#5 The Pre Game Show

I did not sleep well last night.

Wondering if it had to do with treatment today.
My arms are still bruised from last week's fun.
I am wondering how that is going to affect
things this week.  If I am bruised, does that
mean they won't stick there? If so, I only
have a place or two left.

I want to make it through the next two weeks.
After that I have a week off, and the following
week I am considering getting a PICC.
Apparently it is an alternative to a port.
A less invasive alternative.  At the same time,
it is one that requires more on my part, and
it is something that stays on/attached to my
arm for the time it is needed.  A port is under
the skin, and put in a different place (chest
vs arm).

A friend wrote me after my last entry,
encouraging me to get the port.   Apparently
of those he knows who have gotten it, the
greatest hurdle was the psychological impact
of having it inside of their body.  I totally
get that.

I am not sure that that is what it is for me.
I won't discount it. But at the same time,
if I do not need to have something so invasive,
then why do it?

I imagine for some it is a quick and "easy"
fix.  It is under the skin, and it isn't something
that has to be paid attention to.  As with
anything, there are tradeoffs.  

There is a tradeoff with my hair right now.
I still have some.  But is not any that I
can go out in.  I am getting balder by the
day.  Whenever I wear a wig, I have to
manage the little hair I have, and it is a
pain in the butt.

Is it worth keeping what I got?

Probably not.

At the same time, I am unwilling to shave
off what is there.  I was thinking recently
that it almost seems like it is coming out
on my terms when it comes out in my
hands.  I realize a shave could also be on
my terms, but it doesn't quite feel that
way.  It almost feels like a "have" to.

I was also thinking about how soooo
many people have told me to shave my
head.  Apparently it is the thing to do.
But it is not the thing for me to do.
Not yet, any way.

Maybe in the end I will wonder why I
didn't do it sooner.  Maybe in the end
I will wonder what I was attached to.

However it feels like the long good
bye of a good and life long friend.

I know some people are incredulous
about how I am reacting to this
situation.  But that could be said of
any perspective one has in relation
to anything human beings relate to.

There is a lot we do not understand
about each other.  And yet, in an
effort to relate we either try to
understand, we accept, we battle
and campaign for our own perspective
and understanding, or we just plain
ignore what the situation is for another.

On a small scale, it is a minor irritation.
On a larger scale, it can mean a full
fledged war.  The small things may seem
almost silly, but if you think about it,
what often is the case is that the
biggest difference between the
small and the big is likely to be the size.
The dynamics that play out are remarkably
similar.

If we could relate to the dynamics of
things instead of the things themselves,
I wonder if it would leave more
room for tolerance, and lessen the
potential for conflict.  It would seem
to me that the answer is likely yes.

It is such a dreary day outside.

I love the rain.  In the past, if I got wet
it would be no big deal.  It even got to
the point that if my hair got wet, I
would be fine because I always knew
it would be just fine when it dried.

Yup.  Back to my hair.  Things I used
to take for granted.  Now I have to
worry how my wig will be if it gets wet.
Now I have to care what happens.

It sucks.

I got to the point where I didn't care,
and now my situation seems to
necessitate that I care again.  I
don't want to care, but it will mean
walking around bald.

Maybe one day.

Of course it begs questions about
what meanings things have.  It begs
lots of questions.

It is so easy to focus on the physical,
tangible world because it slaps us 
in the face all of the time.  And yet,
even though it seems we are defined
by its parameters, we are not 
those parameters. We may come 
to believe we are, but when we do
we often also limit ourselves and
our possibilities.

What truly is "real"?

Where did our picture of reality
come from?  Throughout time
challenged realities have changed
the landscape of the world in
which we live.

I am going to go for now.

I think I have some landscaping to do. :)

Have a great day.