Part 1: Treatment 4

I am not a happy camper.

Today I get to go to chemo again.

And, once again, I am writing in transit.

At least this time I am not sitting here,

crying.

LOL.  As I said that, I started to

feel emotional.  Talk about the power

of suggestion.

I think it is probably good, though.

Last night in a dream I was really angry.

I don't remember why, but I do remember

the strength of the anger.  I suspect I

am numbish these days.  

I would like to think I am in "acceptance"

mode, but I suspect it might be easy for 

me to view numbness as acceptance if 

I am not in touch with what is really

going on.  I am not sure how in touch

I am.

It has been a rough couple of weeks,

more for emotional reasons than

physical ones.  Physically hasn't been

so great, either, and when I look in

the mirror I am saddened by what I

see.  I had hoped my week off I would

feel better, but even just yesterday

after grocery shopping, I was exhausted.

Grocery shopping should not be

exhausting.

I know there are different "shoulds" 

now, but I don't care.  I want what I

want.  I can really be stubborn sometimes.

When I was in the hospital they wanted

to give me some kind of attachment

that would give me nutrients.  I would

have had to walk around with the darn

thing, and have a nurse come and

visit me at home.

I wasn't interested.

Thankfully they didn't insist, or push

more than the initial conversation,

but in my mind I was like, NO WAY.

In that case, I "won" without hurting

myself in the process.  

I get that there are things that have

to happen, whether I want them to,

or not.  But in cases where there are

options, I am not always going to

jump to the conclusions others may

want me to.

That happened the day I met with the

surgeon, the first day of chemo.  

Apparently many people get a port

put in for their treatments and blood

draws.  The idea of it is less than

enthralling for me. 

Everyone was telling me how I should

do it.  Everyone was telling me the

reasons why I should.  No one was

advocating for anything else.

I was emotionally depleted that day

with all the fear they put in place.

I have decided that unless it becomes

absolutely necessary, I am not interested.

But it took a bit for me to get there,

having to work through the fear.

Funny thing is they told me how so 

many wish they had done it before.

I am not sure, but I do not think I am

doing anything the way others 

reportedly do.

I have a baggie that has the hair 

that has come off my head.  I know

it is odd, but so am I. Regardless of

the oddity, I think on some weird,

unconscious level, it is like I still

have my hair.

My friend's mom put marbles in a

baggie and put them in a kitchen

drawer.  By doing that she would

always know where her " marbles"

were. 

They are still in the drawer where

she left them when she passed away.

I am guessing they now somehow

give my friend comfort.

As I was writing the above, the person

I was sitting next to on the train got

curious about what I was doing.

We started talking, and spent the

rest of the trip, actively interacting.

We spoke of so many things, and 

she wanted to take pictures.  

I am usually camera shy, but for

some reason I let her.  She said she

hadn't been smiling much lately,

but she was an easy "audience"

for me, laughing at much of what

I said.  We were like old friends,

having a great time.

She told me that she had missed a

train.  Serendipity?  She said she

believes that everything happens

for a reason.

It was the first time I have spoken

with someone on the train at any

length.  It was awesome.  I asked

her for the video we did.  I was 
thinking of sharing it, if she'd be
OK with it.

Oh, by the way, before I forget...

if you want to post anonomously

on the blog, now you can!  Sorry

about it not being available.  It is

an option, but not an automatic one.

I have taken care of that now.

so back to today...

That train interaction changed my

mood.  It put me in a good one.  

It got even better after I picked up

my new wig.  It is gorgeous.  More

info, and a pic to come.  I am already

trying go figure out how I can pay

the kindness of the wig forward,

as well.  When I figure it out, I will

share it with you.

As I am writing now, it is very late.

I shouldn't be up, but I am.  It just so

happens I just got an image of me

in the mirror just now, with a wig 

cap.  It really is quite surreal.

So many people today commented

on my wig, and said they thought it

was my hair.  What a great compliment

and ego boost.  If I was going to lose

my hair, I wanted to find something

I felt good in, and I think I have.  It

is something that was important to

me, and also something that comes

with an odd mix of feelings.

More to come on this, in the future.

Back again to today...

At one point I rode an elevator with

a lady who was struggling with a 

loved one's illness.  From the sounds

of it, it doesn't look good.  The situation

also seems to reignite memories of

other difficult situations for her.

For as much as I can't truly understand

their collective plight, I told her

that from my perspective, there are

some things that can't be fixed, and

that it is uncomfortable for me, as a

person who people want to fix things

for  - when people say and do things

to attempt a fix for the unfixable.

I told her the best thing she could do is

just be there for him.  I think I said more,

but all I remember was her appreciation,

and another reference to "things

happening for a reason." She had felt

there was a reason we got on the

elevator together.  I also offered her a 
spontaneous, stranger hug as we parted.
Not everyone would be receptive, or 
interested, but I think it did us both good.  :)

screeeeechh...brakes suddenly applied...

I want to write more...but I am tired.

Maybe I will just call this Part 1 of

Treatment 4, and call it a night.

Sweet Dreams.