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Saturday, August 4, 2012

Part 1: Treatment 4

I am not a happy camper.

Today I get to go to chemo again.



And, once again, I am writing in transit.

At least this time I am not sitting here,
crying.

LOL.  As I said that, I started to
feel emotional.  Talk about the power
of suggestion.

I think it is probably good, though.
Last night in a dream I was really angry.
I don't remember why, but I do remember
the strength of the anger.  I suspect I
am numbish these days.  

I would like to think I am in "acceptance"
mode, but I suspect it might be easy for 
me to view numbness as acceptance if 
I am not in touch with what is really
going on.  I am not sure how in touch
I am.

It has been a rough couple of weeks,
more for emotional reasons than
physical ones.  Physically hasn't been
so great, either, and when I look in
the mirror I am saddened by what I
see.  I had hoped my week off I would
feel better, but even just yesterday
after grocery shopping, I was exhausted.

Grocery shopping should not be
exhausting.

I know there are different "shoulds" 
now, but I don't care.  I want what I
want.  I can really be stubborn sometimes.

When I was in the hospital they wanted
to give me some kind of attachment
that would give me nutrients.  I would
have had to walk around with the darn
thing, and have a nurse come and
visit me at home.

I wasn't interested.

Thankfully they didn't insist, or push
more than the initial conversation,
but in my mind I was like, NO WAY.
In that case, I "won" without hurting
myself in the process.  

I get that there are things that have
to happen, whether I want them to,
or not.  But in cases where there are
options, I am not always going to
jump to the conclusions others may
want me to.

That happened the day I met with the
surgeon, the first day of chemo.  
Apparently many people get a port
put in for their treatments and blood
draws.  The idea of it is less than
enthralling for me. 

Everyone was telling me how I should
do it.  Everyone was telling me the
reasons why I should.  No one was
advocating for anything else.

I was emotionally depleted that day
with all the fear they put in place.

I have decided that unless it becomes
absolutely necessary, I am not interested.
But it took a bit for me to get there,
having to work through the fear.

Funny thing is they told me how so 
many wish they had done it before.
I am not sure, but I do not think I am
doing anything the way others 
reportedly do.

I have a baggie that has the hair 
that has come off my head.  I know
it is odd, but so am I. Regardless of
the oddity, I think on some weird,
unconscious level, it is like I still
have my hair.

My friend's mom put marbles in a
baggie and put them in a kitchen
drawer.  By doing that she would
always know where her " marbles"
were. 

They are still in the drawer where
she left them when she passed away.
I am guessing they now somehow
give my friend comfort.

As I was writing the above, the person
I was sitting next to on the train got
curious about what I was doing.
We started talking, and spent the
rest of the trip, actively interacting.

We spoke of so many things, and 
she wanted to take pictures.  
I am usually camera shy, but for
some reason I let her.  She said she
hadn't been smiling much lately,
but she was an easy "audience"
for me, laughing at much of what
I said.  We were like old friends,
having a great time.

She told me that she had missed a
train.  Serendipity?  She said she
believes that everything happens
for a reason.

It was the first time I have spoken
with someone on the train at any
length.  It was awesome.  I asked
her for the video we did.  I was 
thinking of sharing it, if she'd be
OK with it.

Oh, by the way, before I forget...
if you want to post anonomously
on the blog, now you can!  Sorry
about it not being available.  It is
an option, but not an automatic one.
I have taken care of that now.

so back to today...

That train interaction changed my
mood.  It put me in a good one.  

It got even better after I picked up
my new wig.  It is gorgeous.  More
info, and a pic to come.  I am already
trying go figure out how I can pay
the kindness of the wig forward,
as well.  When I figure it out, I will
share it with you.

As I am writing now, it is very late.
I shouldn't be up, but I am.  It just so
happens I just got an image of me
in the mirror just now, with a wig 
cap.  It really is quite surreal.

So many people today commented
on my wig, and said they thought it
was my hair.  What a great compliment
and ego boost.  If I was going to lose
my hair, I wanted to find something
I felt good in, and I think I have.  It
is something that was important to
me, and also something that comes
with an odd mix of feelings.

More to come on this, in the future.

Back again to today...

At one point I rode an elevator with
a lady who was struggling with a 
loved one's illness.  From the sounds
of it, it doesn't look good.  The situation
also seems to reignite memories of
other difficult situations for her.

For as much as I can't truly understand
their collective plight, I told her
that from my perspective, there are
some things that can't be fixed, and
that it is uncomfortable for me, as a
person who people want to fix things
for  - when people say and do things
to attempt a fix for the unfixable.

I told her the best thing she could do is
just be there for him.  I think I said more,
but all I remember was her appreciation,
and another reference to "things
happening for a reason." She had felt
there was a reason we got on the
elevator together.  I also offered her a 
spontaneous, stranger hug as we parted.
Not everyone would be receptive, or 
interested, but I think it did us both good.  :)

screeeeechh...brakes suddenly applied...

I want to write more...but I am tired.
Maybe I will just call this Part 1 of
Treatment 4, and call it a night.

Sweet Dreams.




2 comments:

  1. Another wonderful piece. Your writing gets more and more evocative. You have a real gift ...

    ReplyDelete
  2. So gooooood Elizabeth!!! I love your telling of your encounters!! Can't wait to see pictures and video!!
    You are AMAZING!! Thank you for sharing your journey with us - you are an inspirations! I love you....xoxo

    ReplyDelete