I am Tired...But then...

It is getting harder and harder to get
out the door the morning of chemo.

It is getting harder and harder to get

myself to sleep the night before chemo.

It is getting harder and harder to get

myself to do the things I need to do to

prepare the night before.

It is getting harder and harder to get

myself to do what I need to prepare

days before.

Maybe unconsciously I figure if I don't

do the things I need to, I am not going

or won't need to go.  If I don't go to

sleep, the day of chemo will never come.

I more than suspect this needs to be

come to terms with somehow.  After

today I will be one third of the way

through, with 12 more to go.

Part of what I am feeling likely has to

do with the Port issue.  Today I will

consult with someone about the Port

and the PICC.  

I am hopeful s/he will tell me that an

arm port is a possibility.  I have

decided that part of my resistence

to the Port is definitely psychological.

It isn't so much about it being in me,

even though I am not thrilled about

that, either.  It is more about where

it is placed, or even more to the

point, the scar it will leave.

I think I will be able to handle it

better, if it is in my arm.  I think I

might prefer the PICC, but it will

mean more care and caution, and

likely cost, as I will need to flush

it atleast once a day, and maybe 

twice, and I will have to buy the

supplies to do that.

SKIP TO POST CHEMO

I am feeling much better now.

Amazing what a difference a day

makes.  

The nurses were able to find a

vein pretty easily today.  It only

took two tries.  They feel so 

badly about doing it.  I really

tried to put them at ease, as I

am really OK with it.

At one point in my life my sister

called me a wimp when it came 

to pain and physical things.

When I hear tales of other 

people's experiences, I tend to

think I need to get rid of that

conversation in my head.  The

nurses often seem surprised 

by my choices and how I react

to things.

I was really happy, too, that 

I did not have to get a brain

MRI.  I was told to get one

after I described symptoms

that, to me, sounded like what

they refer to as chemo brain.

The nurse told me the doctor

was just being careful.  When

I thought about it, though, I

didn't want more radiation.

My body has been through so

much.  

I really suspect that many 

people just do what the doctor

says, and do not ask questions.

I was told the Port, if I got one,

would be put in my chest when 

I was first told about it.

When I looked online - the thing

I did not want to - I read that

some people got ports in their

arm.  Interestingly, and 

intriguing to me, is that many 

do not seem to know about an

arm port.

When I had my consult yesterday

I was told that an arm port was

a possibility, no problem.  It was

a relief.  I would so much rather

have it there for various reasons.

So...I am getting a port...and...

even better, I dare say I think I

feel good about it.

As I think about it, I wonder if it

was my intuition guiding me in the

search.  I would have been in such

a different place about getting one,

if it had to be in my chest.

The "bad" news about it is that 

I have to keep it for approximately

3 months after the chemo is complete.

The reason is that they will do a 

follow up scan, and if there is any

reason they feel they need to do

more chemo, it is best if it is still in.

Given that anesthesia is given to 

take it out and put it in, and the fact

that the procedure has risks, it 

makes sense to me.  But I am mixed

in my feelings about it, as you might

imagine, especially if you know me.

If, at any point I need to fly, I can

probably look forward to a TSA 

patented patdown, as the port is

made of titanium, so I will definitely

beep if I was to go through a metal

detector, and I refuse to let them

body scan me.  If that happens, I 

am sure to come back and share my

experience.

Last night the driver who took me 

to the train told me that he would

like to open a center for abused 

women.  It was an opportunity for

me to share a past relationship

experience with him, and offer 

some perspective.

He, like many people (one of which

used to be me) doesn't understand

why a woman would stay in an

abusive relationship.  In speaking

with him, I not only shared what 

happened with me, but also insight

regarding how our unconscious 

mind works, and how it contributes

to an unhealthy situation.  I 

explained that for some, pain can

be how the unconscious mind says

it is loved.  Take away the pain, and

the person feels like they will lose

that feeling of love.

I know it sounds wild to some, but

we make unconscious associations

all of the time, and once the 

association is made, the unconsious

mind now considers it familiar, and

therefore comfortable.  As a result

it fights to maintain it, and seeks

it out over and over.

It was an amazing conversation that

we got to have because it took 

forever to get to the train because

of unanticipated construction.  I 

didn't actually think about that til

now.  My train was also delayed,

Maybe as an insurance policy for me,

but even with the construction delay

we still made it in time.  

That is two weeks now I made it to 

the station in time for my scheduled 

train, only to be delayed by the train, 

itself.  So many weeks due to my

treatments and scheduling, I had to 

move to a later train.  A bit ironic.

I also had a interesting conversation

with the morning driver about different

facets and experiences in my life.

He was fascinated by me.  He thought

my stories were great.  I find that 

others do, too, and I am not yet sure

what that is telling me, other than perhaps

perhaps reaffirm for me that I need to

write, talk, and share.  Perhaps it was 

showing me that in my presence and 

experience I have value.

I spend so much time alone.  It isn't 

good for me.  I feel so energized when 

I get to share things with people.  I even

told one of the hospital workers 

about a homemade cream for my hair 

that worked really well.  I just now need

to find the recipe.  I can be a sharing

information machine, when given the

opportunity.  I told another woman

about a Reiki Group that might help

her mother.  

It is no wonder the person going to

treatment wasn't the same one going 

home.

I have been exploring, and asking 

questions..it would seem I might just

be getting answers.  I am also

reminded of a short tale I wrote

called Living Life in Reverse.  If

you click the title, you can read it 

for yourself, if you like, and let me

know what you think.  

I am really liking how I am feeling

mentally at the moment...now my 

body just needs to catch up.