I was really tired when I stopped writing last night,
and yet I stayed up until about 5:30 in the AM, I
think. I am not really sure when I passed out.
I don't understand how there can be times like the
other day when I am exhausted to the point I can
not keep my eyes open during the day, but then
have nights like last night in which I am up all
night, only to awaken a few hours later.
I am more of a night owl, in general, but oddly
enough I was getting used to the schedule of
sleeping earlier, and waking up earlier, and was
kinda liking it. I guess we will see what happens
over the upcoming weeks.
So where was I in regard to yesterday?
Hmmm...I know there were other things I wanted
to say...my mind really has been struggling a bit
lately. I don't remember things very well, and when
I left the house the other day to go somewhere, I
had a moment when I had to stop the car and think
about where I was going.
It was almost scary.
If I didn't think this was temporary, I think it would
have scared the sh*t out of me. (Sorry for the
language, if anyone is offended. However I only
use it when it seems appropriate, and the best way
to express myself. In this case, given how I felt,
it fits.)
Yesterday was a very different day than the one
I am used to having. I was only able to avail
myself of one service, so I was there about the
same length of time, but for a lot less scheduled
activity.
Each time I have gone to get chemo it has been
a bit trickier to get my blood, and to get an IV
suitable for chemo. They prefer limited real
estate options: from your wrist up to below the
bend in your arm. Apparently the likelihood of
things "going wrong" are minimized there.
When they were trying to convince me to get
the port, they told me a story of a woman that
they had to stick 8 times. Ironically, she had
a port, but there had been an issue with it (yet
another reason I am not jumping at the "awesome
opportunity" of the port that they are giving me).
I don't mind getting stuck when I compare it
to the alternative. This could be one of those
times when I don't have a choice, depending
on how cooperative my body is. It took 5
sticks and 3 people yesterday to get me where
I needed to be, which is partly why the chemo
that was supposed to start at 3:30 didn't get
going til almost 5:00.
Because I have been listening to hypnosis
while getting my treatment, the time during
treatment flies. I believe yesterday's total
treatment time was 3 1/2 hours. It didn't
feel that way, at all.
It may also have something to do with what
happened last night. I have heard estimates
of 10 minutes of hypnosis can equal an hour's
worth of sleep. I have heard other estimates,
too that involve 15-20 minutes of hypnosis
for the same over all result. Even at the high
end, I had the equivalent of over 9 hours of
sleep.
Just in case anyone is thinking that this might
be a good idea to avoid sleep, hypnosis isn't
sleep. So even if you have hypnosis, you still
need and want to sleep. So be please be wise,
investigate, and proceed with the information
with caution and responsibility to yourself and
those around you.
As an interesting, and perhaps ironic, side
note was when I ordered some dinner. I
ordered an Italian Hero. They asked me
if I wanted American cheese or Provolone.
As I was leaving last night, I passed someone
who said I was "glowing." I found that an
interesting statement. Of course he meant
in a good way, but my sarcastic, wise-ass
self had another thought, but let it go pretty
quickly. Because it doesn't really fit where
I want my thoughts to be, and because it
is rooted in the negative, I don't even really
want to say what it was, but perhaps you
can guess.
During the day I also met with the doctor
and asked a few questions. Because I am
not sexually active at the moment, I hadn't
asked much when told I was going to have
the hysterectomy. My biggest question,
and only question really, was "Are all the
fun parts going to work?" (or something
like that). The answer I got was yes.
Yesterday I was told that since my cervix
was removed, it may have shortened my
vagina a bit, so I will need to control
penetration when the time comes. She
also stated that if it had been a while there
would likely be tightness. That last part
I pretty much expected. I also expect that
the person who gets to be the recipient of
that will be appreciative. Just a hunch.
She also suggested getting something for
lubrication, and also said that if I get to
be sexually active during chemo to make
sure to use a condom, or else the guy I
am with may get some irritation from
what he is exposed to.
I realize for some this may be TMI.
If so, I apologize. At the same time,
since I realize there may be a chance
that the information I share could be
helpful to another, I am sharing it.
Perhaps it isn't helpful to you or anyone
you know now, but if the day ever comes
that it does matter, it may be something
you can pull out of your hat. :) (Personally
I hope there is never a day like that in
which case I have no idea what you can
do with that info, but maybe you can
be creative, who knows? :P)
My train ride home was uneventful, and
ironically I hoped not to fall asleep. I
didn't want to miss my stop, and don't
trust that I will wake up. Oddly, they
didn't even announce my stop last night,
so if I had counted on that, I might have
been in a lot of trouble. It wouldn't have
been a good way to end a long day. As
it was, I got home after midnight.
I think there was more I wanted to say.
But I haven't a clue right now what it
was/is. In time I am guessing it will
come back to me, it usually does. This
is partly why I am a bit hesitant to work.
Over time, I may not have a choice,
though. As I need money to live and
pay bills - including my lovely insurance
premium and what will amount to a lovely
bill for this experience called cancer.
I guess we will see how it goes. I certainly
have no clue what the next several months
will bring. At the same time, a few have
expressed interest in the radio show, and
I still have a book I want to write, so if
I can wrap my head around these things,
it could be a pretty awesome way to spend
my time.
As I share these things, I wonder what people
think. I wonder if they think I want their
money to just have a vacation and sit around
on my butt. I wonder if they wonder if I am
legit. I wonder if anyone feels sorry for me.
I wonder what they are thinking about what I
write. I wonder a lot of things. (Couldn't
really tell, could you?)
At the same time, I don't want these wandering
thoughts to stop me from writing. I suppose I
don't have to do it publicly and set myself up
for the scrutiny. But at the same time, I feel
it is an important part of my growth to be able
to be who I am publicly, perceived warts and
all. I need to know that who I am is OK. Even
if others may not agree, it doesn't change how
OK I am. So many times I haven't been myself
while trying to hide the parts of me that someone
may not appreciate or understand. It is trying
and tiring.
And I have had enough. If I died tomorrow,
it wouldn't matter what anyone else thought.
Even if I don't die for several decades, it still
doesn't matter. I just have often thought it
does.
As I am writing, I find myself also wondering
how much of me I will wind up sharing here.
It certainly could be an adventure, and it could
be a springboard to my next one. So if you
are planning to stick around, you may find out
a few surprising things about me. I hope you
are ready.
I also hope you will stick around once you find
them out, but if you don't, I understand. It would
probably be the best for both of us. Of course,
it doesn't have to be black or white. Maybe there
is some middle ground in there somewhere. How
are your tight rope walking skills?
Thanks, as always, for spending your time with
me. Feel free to let me know your thoughts.
Commenting publicly (below) is easier than ever
now, since I made an adjustment in the settings.
Have a great weekend!
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