What are you doing over the weekend?

I have said that I wanted to be treated normally,
so what I am about to say may make the idea
of that a bit awkward.

Someone I know once had a friend whose wife
was dying of cancer.  His friend put his wife
on the phone and without thinking he said,
"How are you doing?"  To which she responded,
"How do YOU think I am doing?!" and she
proceeded to go off on him.

I can't imagine how it would be to be in a
situation like that.  I personally have never
known anyone who has had cancer.  Odds
are before this I would have tried my best
to be supportive, if I could get past not
knowing what to do.  I would also probably
have had the best of intentions, but have
done a crappy job.

I can only imagine how difficult it is for
some to talk to me.  Life for me isn't "normal,"
and yet it is likely best to act like normal.
But when one acts like normal one will
ask questions like "What are you doing
this weekend?"

In all fairness, since I have worked for
myself for years, I never really had
"weekends" for years.  I don't get upset
when I hear the question, but I so wonder
if I will in some way disappoint the person
asking with an honest answer.

I wonder how the person will feel when I
tell them I don't have much of a life at the
moment.  That I can't make plans most times
in advance, as I never know how I will feel.
That I live day to day, and that many days
I can't do much of anything but sleep and
visit the bathroom.

I could pretend otherwise.  Most people
who are healthy do.  Healthy people ask
each other how they are doing often
without a real interest in how the person
REALLY is.  Often people don't want to
hear the truth.  They just want to be
polite.

So many times in the past when someone
asked how I was, I knew I couldn't really
say.  I knew they didn't really want to
know.  It is one of those "games" we
play socially.

It also, I suspect, limits our ability to
truly be ourselves and to connect on a
more intimate level.

There is freedom for me in being able
to be honest about my circumstances.
I don't tell you these things in a "woe
is me" way and I am not looking for
pity.

I realize that how this is bumps up
against the game, and it can be quite
uncomfortable in that it doesn't fit
the mold.  But I ask you to play a new
game with me.  I ask you to allow us
both just to be who and how we are.
To be able to be in the moment, call
it for what it is, and to move onto the
next one.

It is about all I can do these days.
For some it may seem to be a sad
place.  But how many times have
we heard, "live for the moment."
And how many times have we
heard that and just kept going?

My circumstances more than give
me the opportunity to truly live
that way.  I would rather it have
been more by choice than necessity,
but when things only come from
choice, they often cannot (or won't)
be chosen.

It is not that I don't think about
the future.  It is more that the
present moment has more immediacy
than it ever has had.  "A" type
personalities would really have
a hard time with how things are
for me at the moment.

I am not one.  But I am a person
who has often wanted to have things
under control.  I have wanted to be
able to manage things in a "predictable"
way.  Over time I have learned that
that isn't always possible - or even
desirable.

Now I am learning even more.
(oh boy! :P)

At the same time, the world outside
of me functions in a very different
way.  As I write that, I think about
a story I just read today about the
world's "oldest family."  It spoke
about several siblings in their 90s
and older (if I remember correctly).

One member of the family is quoted
in regard to the word stress.  She,
I believe, essentially said she doesn't
get what people mean by "stress."

I lived a much more right brained,
organic life than most people I
know before this, and now I have
moved even farther away from what
is often the "norm" for many people.

I was odd before.  I wonder if this
makes me odder still. (Is that
possible?  LOL)

In my chosen way of making a
living, I have spoken to thousands
of people over the last several years.
As I write about my differences, I
think about those I have spoken
with.  Many of them have struggled
to be who they are, and to live the
life they are meant to live - for
themselves, and not the ones others
want them to live.

I suspect that what I have, and am
developing, is not something so far
away from what many might want
and would like.  It probably is more
likely they just don't know how to
get there.

Maybe it is like learning a language.
You know you want to communicate
with that person who speaks Spanish,
but you don't understand a word,
at first.  You go on the best you can,
coping with the situation as it is.

But you know you want things to
be different, so even though you
don't understand, you begin to try
to figure things out, building a
bridge to a future that has a
different result from your ability
to speak the language.

Of course, you have to want it
if it is going to resemble what I
just said.  But there may be times
and conditions that necessitate a
change, whether it is desired, or
wanted, or not.

Other times, you might just walk
away.  I guess what does or doesn't
happen at any stage along the way
depends on how invested you are,
and how important something is to
you.

I guess what I am saying in the end
is that perhaps we aren't speaking
the same language right now, but
that doesn't mean we can't
communicate.

What am I doing over the weekend?

Pretty much the same as any other
day, however I am doing what I can
to get ready for a friend's visit (which
was planned a couple of months ago).

I am very much looking to having
the possibility of a change of pace.
At the very least, I will have company
when I am not sleeping or visiting
the bathroom.

:P