I've been missing me

Recently I posted something on Facebook asking
people what inspires them.  I did it when I was
feeling very down.  While what was written was
wonderful, I have found it very difficult to be
and act inspired lately.

I guess you could say I have felt stuck.
In the muck.

And it is no ordinary muck.  Even when I try to
act as though everything is just fine, I don't
always feel that way.  It is like something is
missing.

Today I was speaking with someone who does
intuitive healing work.  While I know it is not
everyone's cup of tea, and there are those who
might think it is a bunch of...muck...I feel
different now.

I feel more like me.

I feel creative for the first time in a while.

I took some more wig images today, and was
playing around with them.  As I played, I was
thinking about how I, as a woman, want to
feel as attractive as I can.  That is why, prior
to my diagnosis, sometimes I would dress up
and take pictures.  I would take lots of pictures.

The ones that would wind up online were the
ones that I felt the best about.  Sometimes I
would take 100s.

For some that might seem to be a wild thing
to hear or even consider for themselves.
At the same time, it is what the pros do.

If the women that we see in our day to day
lives have the advantage of good make up,
lighting, Photoshop, etc...why shouldn't
any "average" woman be able to have the
same?  Technology is making it easier and
easier to have that be a reality.

Of course some would say that we should
accept what is, and find beauty in it.  I
wouldn't disagree.  At the same time, if
a little extra this or that can make someone
feel even better about themselves, why
shouldn't s/he do it?

(I say s/he, but I think it is more likely to
be a "she" thing...curious to know, do you
think I am wrong?)

Once again this conversation is veering in
a direction of a topic I am still not sure I
am ready to discuss.  I guess I still don't
know what I think enough to entertain
a discussion about it.

I think about women, though, who are in
my situation and wonder how they are
working their way through it.  I was
searching images of bald women today
and came across an actress who had
ovarian cancer.  She lost her hair in the
process of chemo, but has continued to
shave her hair even though she is now
healthy.  Her name is Sharon Blynn and
her site is BaldisBeautiful.org.

Sharon talks about how she really saw herself
for the first time when she became bald.
Oddly enough, I think about what Miley
Cyrus said recently about her haircut...
something about feeling more like herself
than she ever has.

Even though Sharon has chosen to stay
bald, she talks about how people would
be benefitted by being in touch with their
inner bald selves.  It makes sense to me
that we can be distracted by those things
outside of ourselves - including the things
we consider a part of us.

I think the journey I am on is one of
discovery.  I just don't know yet what
the treasure is.  It could "just" be that
I uncover and discover more of who this
person is that is packaged the way I am,
and enjoys the things I do.

I got more enjoyment out of playing
today than I have out of almost anything
since my diagnosis.  I feel kinda sad
saying that.  At the same time, I didn't
even realize how much I was missing
of myself until now,
and the discovery of that
is actually
pretty darn
awesome.