Scared

Last night I spent time doing something I
didn't want to do.  I was reading about
things that relate to chemotherapy.

Specifically I was reading about the port
and what it is like without.  I was told
by the doctors that chemotherapy is "hard"
on the veins.

I didn't ask what that meant.

Exercise is hard on the muscles, but
ultimately it is a good thing.  However,
in reading about veins and chemotherapy,
I wound up feeling really scared.

I am at the moment adamant that I do
not want the port.  At the same time,
it was difficult getting a vein the last
visit.

It occurs to me that the people who are
treating me are treating this in some way
like "business as usual."  This is not to
say they are callous or indifferent, but
rather they have in some indirect way
made me feel like this isn't that big of
a deal.  We treat this, and then go on
with life.

Last night my situation became scary
real for me.  This is serious sh*t.

It could be I would be just fine with the
port.  It could be I would be just fine
without.  I just don't know what to do.
What has me so adamantly opposed to
the port, I am not sure.  But what I am
sure of is that it is VERY strong.

But is it the "right" choice - for me?

I wound up crying last night.  14 more
treatments to go.  It seems like an
eternity.  How will my body be?  Am
I going to have enduring effects from
my choices?  Why did I agree to chemo?
Am I making choices from fear?  What
if I stopped?  What don't I know?  What
don't I know that I should know?  What
do I need to do that I am not doing?
What can I do to make things better,
or at least prevent things from getting
worse?

I spoke with a naturopathic doctor
yesterday.  She told me two things that
in some ways were interesting.

I had asked her about platelets.  Mine
had taken a dip since the last blood work.
If they go too low, they won't do
chemo.  She told me that Sesame Oil
eaten, or rubbed on the skin, will help
raise their count.

She also told me that I should be eating
fermented foods, and mentioned sauerkraut.
I hadn't eaten sauerkraut in quite some time,
but just recently bought some.

It turns out that when I went to the grocery
store just a few days ago I happened to buy
Sesame Oil, as well.  Haven't had any of
that in a bit, either, but felt I should get
a bottle.

So...

According to some this means I am
"listening" to my intuitive guidance.  I
imagine some would call it "coincidence."

I find it interesting.

I also wonder how whatever it is is
affecting me in other ways.  Is it that
strong voice that says no to the port?

I wonder if the level of significance - or
perceived significance - of the choice
is what makes me question things.  It
wasn't like I stood in the grocery store
and agonized over whether or not I
should buy sauerkraut.  I just did.

When it came to how things initially
unfolded with my situation, there was
clarity around my choices.  I knew I
needed surgery.  I knew what I needed
to do, and things happened so quickly,
I didn't have time to sit and wonder
if I was making the right choice.

I wonder if I am needlessly agonizing
over something that isn't an issue.  I
am wondering if the answer is right in
front of me, and I am questioning it,
based on my fears.  If so, I wonder
why the difference.

Something keeps telling me it's OK.
That I am OK.  That I will be OK.
This, as I watch my hair disappear.
This, as I am tired as heck.  This,
as I have aches and pains and bruises.
This, as I hope that my left hand is
OK after being the main point of
entry for the chemo last time.

OK it says.

OK?

Are these things truly OK?  Am I
truly OK?  What is OK?  Maybe OK
is nothing like what *I* think it is,
in which case, everything must be
just fine and dandy.

When I woke up this morning, I wanted
to just go back to sleep.  I wanted this
to just be over.  Then I thought about
life...and what if it was over?  I thought
about what comes next.

It scares me to say I don't have a clue.
It scares me to say that I want a life that
is worth living, and sharing, but wonder
how much I have to give.

I actually know I have a lot to give, but
have felt so incredibly stymied.  I don't
know what is blocking me from being
able to be the person I know I can be.

And I don't know what I don't know.

And for as much as I want to be here,
I don't want to be here miserable or
sick or incapacitated.   I hate seeing
and feeling the changes in my body.

I try to tell myself it is just temporary.
I look at Shannon Miller (Olympic
gymnast) who is now (ovarian) cancer
free, and she looks amazing.  I tell
myself that can be me, too.

I try to tell myself there is a bigger
picture here that I have yet to see.
I am just not "there" yet.  There are
things I would not have experienced
if I hadn't had the experience of
getting "there."

I look at the time remaining for
treatment and it scares me.  It feels
like forever in a treatment sense,
but not long enough for me to know
what "life changing" choices I will
be making.

There is an urgency for me given
my financial situation.  It is one that
I like to forget about, but it is one that
lurks.  Even if I manage to get to the
end of the year, without help I will
have nothing to begin the new year
with.

I want to stop worrying.

I do.

At times I am fine.

Last night and
today, not so much.