One of those days...

Today is one of those "bad" days that
I am trying my best to ignore, and act
like everything is just fine, even though
things feel like they are going in slow
motion.

I have so much to do, and it just seems
to take forever since it is difficult to
have the motivation to even just get
started.  On top of that, I have someone's
voice from therapy in my head telling me
to be careful what I do one day, even if
I have the energy, because it may have
me crash a day or two after, or more.

I really hate trying to balance what is
"known" and to be looked out for with
the ignorance that might allow me to
be without a particular symptom.

I am not doing a very good job.

On top of everything else, I am really
aware of the idea floating around in
my head of things getting worse.  I
haven't figured out how to shake it or
work with it - and it scares me, big
time.

Then there are those of you who want
to fix things for me.  As I thought of
what I wanted to say in this regard, I
wondered how I would come off
sounding.

I want you to know that I appreciate
every single person who cares enough
for me to want to fix me and my
situation.  It means a lot to me that
you care.

The thing is, though...you and I both
know that you can't fix this.   And when
you say things to me (the biggest one
being about me and my hair) that
attempts to fix things, it doesn't really
work.  Odds are someone has already
said the thing you have. I wish your
words were more magical than anyone
else's and that things would suddenly,
magically get better, but I can tell you
that pretty much won't happen.

Before I was diagnosed I started to
look at how we live life with those
around us.  I already was seeing how
so many react to what others think
we should do, and how often it doesn't
align with what we think is best for
ourselves.

I tend to think there are many problems
that are a direct result of people not
listening to their own inner voice and
vision.

Granted there are times we can be led
astray by those things jumbling around
in our head, but I tend to think that we
are often just fine as we are even if it
doesn't fit someone else's standard and
pre-conceived notions of what is
"right" or what is "best."

Of course this could just be my way
of rationalizing the choices I make.

It could also be that the way I am
doing things is the way that I need
to do them, for me.  As odd as it may
sound, I am almost intrigued by what
is happening with my hair and my
experience of it.  If I decided to shave
it off I would lose that.

I know it is probably (likely) difficult
for you to read what I write.  If I were
you, I am not sure I could.  It seems to
me to be human nature to read something
and want to fix it.  I recognize now how
much I tried to do that in the past, and I
cringe.  I cringe because I can't help but
wonder how my attempts to be helpful
may have been met in the same way that
I am reacting to those who are reaching
out to me.

I have said before that I just want to be
treated normally.  As I say that I realize
that when our interactions revolve around
what I write it would be difficult to step
outside that sphere.

But if you really want to help me that
truly is the best way for you to do it.
Treat me normally.  Talk to me about
what is going on with you.  Talk to me
about life, about what you love, interact
with me.

The conversations that are the most "normal"
are the ones that are the most beneficial.
Quite frankly, I don't even know much about
what is normal at the moment, as my life has
never seemed all that "normal" to begin with.

However I would welcome creating whatever
that would be.  I would welcome getting to
know you and interacting with you and just
being in the space within the world with you.

I have a yearning to connect.