Thursday, August 22, 2013

An Attempt at a Release

I should be in bed. I am going to have a long day tomorrow. But I wanted to write first, to release some stuff.

Today was an emotional day. But it wasn't emotional for any reason you might suspect. It was emotional because I was trying to get some things done that required me to be physical, and in the middle of doing them I heard a crash.

What crashed?

The rod in the closet. All of the clothes came crashing down. It was the last thing I needed. My back, which was doing much better, started to hurt like hell as I moved the clothes. It was hard to bend. It was hard to move. It was hard to get up. Everything just freaking hurt like hell.

It is the last thing I need right now.

I find I do so much better when I don't have extra things to deal with. The minute something gets thrown into the mix, it is just too much. I was even in tears at one point, and could barely move when it was all over.

My friend was telling me about something he had seen years ago about someone who has a very high success rate working with people who have back problems. One woman had tried everything, and got to the point she couldn't even walk. She had to use a scooter. A week after she met with John Sarno she was doing much better. She even got to the point that she could jog.

John Sarno would talk to those who came to him. He would assess if they had any "real" physical problems, and if they didn't, he would talk to them, and have them attend a 3-hour seminar. John believes that in cases in which there seems to be no "real" cause for the pain, the source is in one's own mind. The mind is doing the person a favor by distracting them from emotional pain they are feeling, by giving them physical pain that can be in the neck, shoulders, back.

This is nothing that comes to me as new news. I have known about Louise Hay and her book You Can Heal Your Life for years. In it, there is a "menu" of physical symptoms and the correlating mental state. Guess what lower back pain is. Seriously. Take a guess if you don't know.

It has to do with money concerns.

I have had those for months. And even more recently, as I am worried what will happen in the next couple.

Coincidence? Perhaps. But I can't totally disregard it. I have asked the doctors about the pain, and they seem to think it is my back - nothing more. They think it might just be coincidence that it is bothering me now, that it is not in any way related to what has been going on with me in the last year and a half.

Something for me to think about for sure. Because I probably have pushed down a lot of stuff as I continue to try to cope and survive.

I am also brewing/stewing a bit because I called my oncologist's office last week to ask to speak with him. The last visit the person who works with him gave me an answer of "because the doctor says so" when I asked about an MRI they want me to have. I have been thinking about the Pet and MRI that they scheduled me for in a few weeks, and I have questions. I am not sure I want the tests. They should know by now that I don't just say, "Yes, sir," and do what they say.

Because I felt brushed off, I decided to go straight to the oncologist, who has not called me back. I feel a bit at odds with them at the moment because I haven't been able to have the conversation I feel I need to have.

It isn't the first time. I remember sitting in a room talking about a port that everyone thought I should get, but that I did not want. Unfortunately, they won that battle ultimately as my veins got hard to access with the chemo, and I didn't have much of a choice. I am more or less OK with it, but I think it is a bit more on the less side overall. Anyone who remembers has asked if I am happy to have it. I think they are surprised I don't give the standard YES that so many others seem to.

I am feeling really anxious. Money. Health. How to deal with health. My back. Moving house. Being unable to move much physically. Trying to live while in a state of flux. Watching my bank account dwindle. A cat that may soon have to be put to sleep.

I haven't been going to sleep until nearly 2:00. Tonight it needs to be sooner. I haven't felt this stressed in a while. That dang rod in the closet. I know it may seem small, but it really pushed me over the freaking edge today. That's what happens when you are living in survival mode. Just one too many things, and it is all too easy to come crashing down.

Plus, for anyone wondering about the potential opportunity to speak next month...I am disappointed to say I wasn't chosen. I am sure the event drew some really wonderful speakers, I just wish I had been one of them. I will still likely go, and I will be sharing more info for anyone who might be in Maryland then. I am sure it will be quite an event.

As I think about what has been going on, it feels like things are lining up in the minus column a bit more quickly than the plus one. No wonder I ain't feelin' so great. I feel like I want to cry. It's kinda there. The lump in the throat, the eyes that feel a bit more watery than usual. The tightness in the chest. It is all there, but all I want to do is yawn.

Am I avoiding the pain? As I said that I shifted in the chair to the feeling of incredible pain. I guess I have my answer. Why is that tears flow so easily sometimes, and right now they want to, but are not? Is it that scary to my unconscious to feel the pain of feeling alone, helpless, scared? I have felt those things many times before. MANY. Why is this time different?

Is it that I am building up emotional scar tissue? Is it that I just need to be numb for a while? Is it that I just don't know what to do at this point?

A tear or two.

But then it stops.

Even writing tonight doesn't seem to be helping in the way that it often does. Tears have streamed down my face many times when blogging.

Is it just hard to be nose-to-nose with a brick wall? Is it that my unconscious feels defeated but doesn't want to admit defeat? Is it that I have a concussion and a broken nose from banging my head up against the wall as many times as I have? Is it that to admit defeat means that nothing I have said or done means anything? Is it that I feel like no one is listening, or can hear me through the wall? Is it that I feel trapped?

So many things lately have gone through my mind. So many things I have no idea how to reconcile. So many questions. So many things I just don't understand. Quite frankly, as much as I hate to admit it, I think a part of me is resentful of some things. A part of me feels like she is smiling through the pain.

One of the guys who spoke with the doctor mentioned above about his back pain smiled a lot, too. Too much. Apparently the body isn't too happy about that.

That thought almost did it. A few more tears. It almost came. I think there is something to me having to be so strong all of the time. Even when I talk about things when I feel less than strong, it's like I am supposed to be OK. I am supposed to be able to handle it. I am supposed to be able to figure things out. I am not supposed to struggle. I am not supposed to be anything but OK at the core because nobody knows what to say or what to do. So I feel like I am supposed to smile and say, "It's ok, everything will be OK, I am OK, really." I am supposed to make others feel OK when I don't feel OK. I don't want people to stare at me when I am in pain, and feel sorry for me, but I want their attention. I want to interact with them.

I soooo appreciate those who just allow me to be me. Those who recognize that they don't have to fix anything, but offer what they can in the way of support. The other day someone was suggesting a number of things and I said that I just didn't know what to do with it all, and tried to explain my problem. In turn, she asked me if I would like for her to talk to a few people for me, and have them contact me. Did I? You bet I did. I loved her for making that offer. If only others could see how simple it would be to help me in a way that is helpful, and not beyond their ability.

Dang. Dang. Dang.

I have a push pull thing going on. I don't want it to be about me. But if I am always focused on the other people then it never will be about me. If I don't find a way to awkwardly share my dilemma and limitations, no one will know how much in need I am. I need help. So it needs to be about me, at least at times, and I resent some of those who don't get it, and make me feel badly for how I feel and how I am.

I don't want to be walking around going "woe is me," but I need to find a balance somehow, some way. I sometimes wonder if those who don't offer help don't realize I need it, or if there is something else going on. It gets difficult to have to constantly be explaining my situation. I want things to be as "normal" as anyone around me would like them to be. I just don't know what that is any more, and quite frankly, there is a whole lot of "normal" that I really want no part of any more.

I am tired. And a bit more peaceful. But there's stuff there. I know it. I guess it will come out whenever it feels like it, why would it be different than anything other time?

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