Today I saw a psychiatrist. I was a bit reluctant, but thought I would at least do it to satisfy those who thought I should.
As far as I am concerned, there isn't much talking can do at this point. It doesn't change a dang thing about the impossibility of a great deal of my situation.
I told her about many of the things that have bothered me, annoyed me and haven't been helpful to me, and she could see why I would feel as I do. She even went as far as to say that it was good and healthy for me to ignore those who annoy me.
I could not believe she said that. So many these days say you should x, y, z. So many say things need to be communicated, resolved.
I think I am pissing people off lately by my unwillingness to interact. In the past, I would have wanted to be liked. In the past, I would have gone out of my way, exerted energy I didn't have, and tried to play nice.
I am learning that I don't need to address another's judgments of me. I am learning to live with people thinking unkind things about me. I am truly learning to embrace who I am, and love the person who others seem to take issue with.
I have to say there is a lot of wonderful freedom around this way of looking at things. A LOT. I do not feel the pressure to conform to some other person's way of looking at things. I do not feel the need to expend energy to try to resolve something that may not be resolvable. I do not feel badly about myself, questioning if I am in some way not doing "right."
I am really seeing how at times my issues can be a driving force when I interact with others, even though at first, second and third blush, it seems to do with them. It makes me think about things a bit differently. How am I with a person? Am I loving? Am I accepting? Am I judging them? How does what I feel affect what I do, don't do, say?
I can sometimes be the most loving to myself by thinking of myself, first. And, even though it may not seem loving to another to be avoided, it might be the most loving thing I can do for them, too.
When I avoid someone it is because I really do not know what to say, and maybe sometimes it is better not to say anything.
It makes me think about "A" and other people in my life who have left me wondering, and it helps me to realize that for whatever reason it was, they really must have felt there was nothing left to say. Instead of forcing something that undoubtedly would have been unproductive, they did what was best for themselves, and probably did us both a favor.
It really makes me question some of the things I have been led to believe on the last few years. The interesting part for me is that a part of me wasn't always fully "there." It makes me wonder if where I was in relation to some things was exactly where I needed to be, and trying to be what others thought was right wasn't so right - for me. And, despite how others would judge me for it, it is more about them and their beliefs than it is about me.
Interestingly, there are a lot of labels we can use on others and their actions. I think the labels we place on others only wind up serving us, our beliefs and our mindset. Once again, I go back to my recent labels blog. Once again, I say labels are more about us than those we label. Funny how I keep going back there, as if to create a groove in my mind.
How much do I give another of myself? Each time I interact with someone, I am giving them a piece of me. If it isn't OK, it has to stop, and the only person who can put a stop to it is me. If a person I interact with labels me, odds are they are invested in me seeing the errors of my ways. I can agree with them, defend myself in disagreement, or potentially label them in some way, too.
I know there's more to this conversation, as there often is more to many conversations. However the above I was writing earlier, as I was being treated. I had to abruptly end because the treatment was over. So I am going to slightly change gears.
First of all, today my blood pressure was amaazziinngglly better. I think part of it is I asked them to take it manually instead of by the dang automated machine. It was in an excellent range, actually. Thank goodness for the doctor's suggestion recently. It helped, a lot. And thank goodness I wasn't put on medication.
I was so calm when I wrote what I wrote above. In some ways, I wasn't surprised my pressure was lower at the end. Today was an amazing day all-in-all. I didn't like the way I looked, but all day long I was complimented. Tonight I was even complimented on my hair.
I also realized on the way home that I DON'T CARE if I am upsetting someone if I am doing it while taking care of myself. I don't care if I am a victim or am passive aggressive, or any other lovely labels someone may come up with. I am not sure that I am those things, but it could very well be that I am, and if so, so be it. I dare anyone to be in the situation I am in and see how well they handle everything.
Even the psychiatrist today tried to help me reframe "victim." According to her, a victim is someone that something happens to. That makes me a victim, and...so what? (I did say I loved this woman, didn't I? If not, I soooo do!)
I am doing what I have to do to take care of myself, and while it is not my intention to hurt anyone or disregard anyone, or any number of any other "negative" things, I am very clear at this moment that what is most important is that I TAKE CARE OF ME.
In taking care of me, I give myself a core from which to work. Without it, I can't be of much use to anyone, least of which is myself. I could give "fair warning" here to anyone interacting with me, but so much of this blog is not read, I am sure it will be missed.
This is such a great feeling. It is so freeing. So amazing. It resembles how I felt post surgery, and I hope to maintain more of it now. It will be interesting to see where things go from here. I know I have definitely pissed some people off, and probably will continue to. My response? Oh well.
If you don't know me, that "oh well," is quite the accomplishment.
One last thing. Thankfully the Avastin seems to be doing what they hoped it would do. The tumor marker number that was elevated last week has decreased almost by half. There is more decreasing to go. One more treatment, and scans to come.
Damn. It feels good. *I* feel good.
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