Often there is no ill will intended. Often people don't even realize how the words come across - until they are the recipient of them at some point.
As usual, I am asking questions.
I am not feeling so great tonight. I am wondering if I need to get a Pet Scan, in some part, to ease my mind, or let me know what I am facing. I am scared. There is so much going on and pending, it is the last thing I need to deal with.
I have been doing way too much. I am not taking care of myself the way I would like to. I don't know how I am going to do that. I haven't done any big statements lately about my money situation, but it is definitely a concern. A scary one. I don't know what to do. I really hope I will somehow work things out, and I will be meeting with Disability people next week. Not sure what it will mean, but hopefully within 6 weeks of that I should hopefully know what, if anything, they are going to do.
It is not enough to live on. But it will help.
I really wish I could get off this ride, but the only way that I can do it is to die and I don't feel ready to do that just yet - and it's not exactly what I have in mind, either.
I didn't sleep well last night. I tossed and turned pretty much all night and had to get up early this morning. For the first time in a long time, I might be able to go to sleep earlier than usual tonight.
I can't help but wonder if I "should" be doing things differently. So often I am so exhausted it is hard for me to sit or lay still without falling asleep. That doesn't help when it comes to meditation or prayer or anything of that family. And even if I "should," I have no idea how I can when most of what I need to do is survive and what immediately shows up in front of me.
Fingers crossed my friend's house sells next week. It will alleviate some of the anxiety and need to move and do some things. At least until he buys his next house...and then it is all of this all over again...and that is only until I figure out what's next.
I am exhausted.
My friend just said something about just wanting to get a break. I know the feeling.
Btw, furniture is still for sale. But I may change my mind about the couch. Instead, I may be posting a picture of my friend's couch, and I will get to keep mine a while longer. Ultimately I would like to keep it, period. In some way, it feels psychologically like I am giving up by giving up my couch. I know that may not be the case, but there is something to it.
I want my own place with my own things that I love again one day. Even better, I would love to have someone special to share it with. I sometimes get scared that won't happen. I sometimes get scared my world is shrinking.
I sometimes get very scared.
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