Catastrophizing?

Q: How do you publicly manage a personal crisis?
A: With great difficulty

Catastrophizing. I looked it up. It means making something worse than it is. Someone told me today that that is what she thought I was doing. That I was essentially "What Iffing?" too much.

I think my What ifs are valid. I need to make decisions. There are so many things that hinge off of so many other things. That is what the facts are. At the same time, I also recognize that how I am about this has everything to do with things that are likely to be understood better by my unconscious than my conscious.

This person also pointed out that "what you focus on expands." Maybe. Maybe not. But as I said in a previous blog, there are some reasons I don't like repeating myself. But I have done it, in part, as an attempt to clarify things for those trying to be helpful.

I realize that some of the things I am saying are extreme. I even note them as I am saying them. But dammit. This is one of those occasions being so public isn't so helpful. We all have moments that suck. We all have our darker times - we just often don't walk around sharing them.

Am I making the situation out to be worse than it is? No. It is incredibly complicated. Don't believe it? You try it for yourself, and then come back to me and tell me how easy it is to have any semblance of balance. You tell me how easy it is to "trust" or "be calm and peaceful" and let things "unfold for you." How easy it is to listen to what others think you should do or how you should be. How easy it is to function when overwhelmed, when there is more to deal with than you can possibly handle.

I am where I am. I am allowing myself to be there. I am allowing myself to show you my being there. Is it pretty? I know it's not. I will likely find my way elsewhere at some point. It is not like I have been like this for months and it is not like I am shut down. I am doing my best to work my way through. Sometimes I even wonder if people think me bipolar: one moment talking about my distressed situation, the next about something totally unrelated, the next a new Cedonaah, the next...well, you get my point.

Things like this make me so angry. Instead of trying to alter my mindset, how about some empathy and compassion? At times like this I wonder how much I used to do this type of thing to people and how annoying it might have been for them. When someone is in "it" telling them how wrong they are for it is not going to help. Telling them you can help "fix" them is not going to help, either.

I know it comes from a good place. My kind - knowing - words always did, too.

It was suggested to me at one point that I get therapy for my situation. What good is that going to do? It doesn't change any of the facts of my situation. It doesn't make my choices for me, and doesn't make the ones I ultimately choose any easier. And it doesn't give me any money or energy to do anything with.

I already realize/know that how I look at things can empower or disempower. I "know" all of this "stuff." But the world knows a lot of stuff, and still finds things to be pretty messy at times.

I am "just" sitting in a mess I don't like, and am not sure how to get out of it, and of the options I am aware of, I am not really a fan. Are there options I haven't considered? Quite possibly. Are there perspectives I haven't considered? That is possible, too.

But I am where I am at the moment.

I don't know about you, but I am not sure that another person's unsolicited evaluation of me or how I do things has ever really been helpful.

I am learning so much about how to/how not to treat people.

If you are ever upset/worried/overwhelmed/concerned/fearful, I hope you get what you need and not what someone else thinks you need.

PS Special Note: While this blog is a reaction to a particular comment, it encompasses a greater picture. Not all pieces can be attributed to this particular friend.

How often do we get to know what a person we talk to is really thinking? Not often at all. But due to the nature of this blog and how I am approaching things, it isn't too hard to know what thoughts cross my mind. One reason we likely don't say things to one another is because we fear the repercussions.

But if you are going to write as I do, there is no way to filter. It is part of the reason the blog began anonymously. My experience of life is my experience of life. Maybe I have it wrong (I am sure you occasionally get things wrong, too), but it is where I am at. If you are reading my blog and you think I am off about something, you don't need to be attacking me for it. While it is not the same, it is roughly similar to you coming into my head and attacking me for my thoughts since it is not a conversation I have had directly with you.

If you are going to hold my experience of life against me, or think I am going to in some way offend you, please do not read what I write. I don't like feeling like I have to worry about how I say something when all I am trying to do is get it out and understand it.

I certainly hope you understand. Times like this I am at my most vulnerable, and in some ways it really sucks. I wish I didn't feel like sharing was what I needed to do...but I keep feeling like the things I talk about might be helpful for others.

*HUGE SIGH*

Boy am I being defensive, and I hate it.

About to go on the Air...4 PM Eastern

Reality

For as much as I would like to think that anyone who knows me would read every word I write and see every video I create, I know that is never going to happen. In reality, I think I am "lucky" that some people are even interested enough to be the occasional visitor to the world that I am in.

But the thing is, or so I have been told, even people who pay attention need to hear things more than once, more than twice, sometimes many times. In going with that idea plus the fact that people miss much of what I say it seems that I might have to be repeating myself more than I want to. The irony is then that some will tell me be careful what I say, as I will create a reality by doing that.

I have no idea if I have that much power. At the same time, I am not a big fan of repeating myself, especially when it is the less than pleasant stuff. But sometimes my situation makes it necessary. At this point the repetition is about my impending moving situation.

Some people have very sweetly and generously offered help. They have offered to help me move and to help me find a place to live. The problem is that I have yet to earn money to pay for a place to live, and I am not sure where I will be living, which means that there is no place to move anything. Not just yet, any way. And I have to wonder if I am going to have to get rid of a lot of things, too.

There are so many issues. It is overwhelming and puts me in tears at times.

I was thinking today about how "A" thought he was doing me a favor by sticking things out until I was out of the woods. But if he really wanted to do me a favor, he would have stuck around afterward. As challenging as treatment was, I had a pretty simple life. Get up, eat, go to bed, wake up, get up, try to do something, maybe - likely do nothing - go to sleep, get up, go for treatment and just repeat for months.

Since treatment ended it has been an endless amount of work and networking and phone calls and creativity and trying to raise funds and trying to deal with an endless amount of concerns that someone who isn't dealing with cancer needs to deal with.

The problem is - I am still dealing with cancer, but just not in an obvious way. The last year has taken a big toll on me. Even if I wanted to just pick up and move somewhere, it doesn't mean I could go anywhere I wanted to, even if my situation picked up. In our world, we are judged sometimes unfairly by what people think they know about us. Quite frankly, though, I am scared sh*tless to go get a lease for a year. What if something happens again? And where do I go? If I am somewhere by myself I might be screwed. Having my friend around has been helpful in the smallest of ways, but small is impactful when you are impacted.

When we take things for granted, it isn't always easy to see what someone else is going through. It is a bit odd to consider that moving is a thing we take so much for granted. You gotta move? You find a place and you move. Inherent in that idea, though, is that you have money not only for the place you move to (rent/security/deposit), but that you have money for the necessary cost of moving. And if not the money for the move, have a "wealth" of willing friends to help. Not to mention, you are physically capable of packing and moving boxes.

I am grateful for what people are willing and able to do. But the thing is what I really need hasn't been offered. I need a free place to stay and/or I need a significant cash influx so that I don't have to worry about the cost of renting either for myself and/or for my "stuff."

And to anyone who might think, "Oh it's just stuff. What's the big deal? Get rid of it," while it might sound simple it isn't as simple as all that. I wish it was. And while I could get rid of a lot of it, there are things I can't get rid of for various reasons. Quite frankly there are times I think about what if I knew I was going to die in the next year. I think about how there isn't much of anything that I would need, in the least. In some ways that could be an empowering thought, but there are times it doesn't come off that way. I want to do whatever I do because I choose it, not because life is squeezing me.

It also feels to me a bit like giving up.

Last night I wrote the following on Facebook:

ok...I am gonna think on the wild side...I am wishing for someone who is capable of helping me financially in a big way to show up, hear my story, see potential and want to help. And most importantly, DOES help. Helps me out of the hole I am in and helps me to be where I need to be to really make the kind of difference I know I can in the world of others. Whoever you are, please show up soon. Pretty please. Some days I really feel like I am drowning. I am giving everything I got..and alot of what I don't got.

I really want to believe that somehow, some way this will work out. But things aren't going well. I am really close to the cliff. I have been getting closer for months. I feel like I have been saying for months how bad my situation is, but I have to wonder if anyone believes me. After all, I am busy, I am productive, I am finding ways to do things. It may make it seem like everything really is just fine. But I rarely talk about the undercurrent of issues that I am worried about. I rarely talk about the bigger picture. People see the pieces and parts and must think I am just fine.

The fact is I am scared sh*tless.

This is no freaking way to live. There are times what I am scared about the most is that I will give up if not consciously, unconsciously. And if that happens, I will likely be out of here. I don't like talking about this, or like this, but it is real.

I am exhausted physically, emotionally, mentally.

What I need most is to get my business running. I need to make money. I don't want government money. I don't want handouts. What I want is to do what I know I can. What I want is to be able to do what I have always done, but be able to make a living doing it. I know I can. Well. At least I think I can and I say this because I really would have thought something would have clicked by now. There is so much good that has come my way, I don't want to throw it all away. Maybe it is the platform on which future good will be built.

I just wish I knew if I am missing something, and if so what the heck it is.

You Know. That Thingamabob: Remembering Words (Strategies)

Strategy is such an important sounding word for a way to get something done, isn't it?

This was another piece of what they gave me. Especially with chemo even the easiest of words will be lost, even when on the tip of your tongue. One woman dealing with chemo brain could not even remember her granddaughter's name - which happened to be the same as hers!

Once again, there were things on the list I was already doing. I am not truly sure how helpful it really was. In the case of the woman above, if she remembered that her granddaughter's name was the same as hers, she could have remembered her name.

Unfortunately you don't always know what word you will forget when or how. So these "strategies" had variable rates of success for me. If it helps you, then great. Any little something can sometimes be helpful.

1. Delay
Wait a few seconds before responding (like you really have a choice sometimes? LOL) and relax while thinking of the word (really? how easy is it to relax when you are frustrated as heck?). Although I did have another "delay" technique. I would just say what was going on, or say "stupid chemo brain." As an alternative, I would sometimes try to think of a synonym and see if I could either use that, or get to my original word that way.

2. Sound
See if you can remember the first sound or letter of the word. (Sometimes it will help. Many times it just frustrated me more being "so close")

3. Sentence Completion
In other words try to cue yourself in the context of an expression. Instead of just saying "cup" use "cup of coffee." The rest of the words might just carry you to the word you are looking for.

4. Word Association
Kinda like my delay technique, but instead of thinking of something similar, think of something that relates. For instance a knife and a...(fork). For me, I would just say "it is that dang thing you eat with!"

5. Description
Try to describe whatever it is without using the actual word. (It's kinda like a freaking game. No good at games? Sorry but in the game of chemo brain you may not have much of a choice. Hopefully whoever you are playing with - even if it is just yourself - is a good guesser!)

6. Rhyming
Similar as others above. See if you can find a word that rhymes. (Of course you have to remember the word first to know what rhymes, LOL. But if you know there is a word you consistently forget when you next remember this might be a good one - provided you remember the rhyming word).

7. Situational Context
Where and how and when might the word or object be used?  It could be that big thing in your kitchen that keeps things cold. You know, the...(refrigerator)

8. Spelling
Spell the word if you can't say it. Of course you have to know what the word is to spell it, don't you? (Not really sure about this one for myself).

9. Function or Use
This is kind of like #7. It's what you use to cut your fruit. If you remember that, you might just remember "knife."

10. Category
What category does your word fit in? It is a piece of clothing. It is something men wear. It is something that goes around your neck. Ah, the game continues. It is a "tie."

I sometimes wondered how much of this was developed by those who had experienced chemo first hand, and how helpful they truly were. As you can tell from my - hopefully quasi funny - comments, I wasn't so sure about them. But different people function differently and maybe there is something about it that can be helpful to you.

Do you find any particular technique helpful? If you care to share, please do so below. Maybe your comment will in some way help others. Thanks. :)

Comprehension Strategy/Organizing Your Thoughts

When I was undergoing chemo, chemo was taking me down in the mental arena. I was often more frustrated than I spoke of, and if you were reading what I was writing and hearing what I was saying, it was still a lot.

It sucks. Big Time.

What sucks more is that there are people who don't actually believe it exists. And these are the "professionals" in the environment. Thankfully there were some people who I was able to connect with that tried to help in that department. Whether or not there was a "belief" in chemo brain, or not, they would work with patients to help them have more patience and give them strategies to help.

In some ways I was already doing a lot of what they suggested, and was still frustrated. But I figure there may be some people who might not be doing what I did and not even know what to do so I thought I would share some of what they shared with me.

One suggestion for a comprehension strategy:

*Ask the person speaking to repeat themselves.
*Then say back "I what I heard was..."

Sometimes comprehension is helped by being able to organize your thoughts. 
To organize your thoughts the following was suggested:

*Ask the speaker to repeat as needed (boy did I do that a lot!)
*Ask the speak to slow down (did that a lot, too!)
*Repeat the information spoken as you go along, as needed (see comprehension strategy above)
*Take notes, especially of key words/ideas
*Refer back to the notes when responding, as needed

It helps me that I am not being treated any more. What a difference each day makes that I am farther away from treatment. But sometimes in our all too fast world we need to slow things down and pay attention to what we are doing.

It is interesting how when you lose the ability to do something you once took for granted how frustrating it can be. Even if you are at times stymied by what you need to do and remember, be grateful for your ability to do so. Even in its less than perfect state it is much better than it could be if your circumstances would ever challenge what you think you know about yourself.

31 Countries and Counting

Not sure what to make of this...but it sounds pretty cool, doesn't it?

Freak Out!

A little while ago I called to check on what a POD would cost. I was checking on a POD because I have no idea where I am going to land, and have minimal ability to move myself and/or pay movers.

When I called, all I wanted was an idea of cost. Just so I knew what I was looking at. It wasn't easy to get an answer because I don't know what I am doing yet. But if I decided to move down to North Carolina with the bulk of my things, it appears it will cost me about 2K, through them.

Of course there are other options.  But everything about this is worrying for me. I don't want to be worried, but I can't help it.

First of all, where am I going?

It remains to be seen if I can tag along with my friend, but he doesn't know what he is doing yet. Next, I am not currently paying rent - and couldn't, if I had to. So where can I go and not pay rent? The one option I have is my mother's. She surprised me by suggesting it when I was in NY, but she doesn't really have room for me. I am also not sure it is the best idea. Maybe it would be a temporary fix. But what if a temporary fix becomes more permanent, and more by circumstance, and not by choice? Plus I would then have to pay for storage of my things.

Then there is the issue of even if I can pay rent, where could I rent? Many places want to see tax returns and income. I haven't done my last 2 years tax returns yet. Plus I haven't had regular income. Would a place accept me? 

Where do I want to be? 

I moved to California fearlessly in 2007. Now I am scared to be anywhere by myself. What if something happens? What if I need help? I HATE saying that. I HATE it. I don't want to live my life in fear of "what if?" But I also discovered something about living in California...I didn't really like being there by myself. I liked it at first, but after a time it felt very lonely and isolated. 

What to do about my "Stuff"?

When I left California I got rid of a lot of things, but I kept furniture and a bunch of other "Stuff." I kept the furniture because I thought it made sense. It cost less to ship than it would to replace it. But now I don't know what to do. If my stuff has to go into storage, I don't know that I should put furniture there. I should probably just get rid of it. Do I get rid of everything and just start over?

And what about my health?

I want to believe that everything is and will be fine. I really want to. But I hurt when I move more often than not these days. How am I going to pack and move boxes? What if I rent a place and then I can't work again? Is it worth holding onto things? Am I going to survive? 

I realize that last sentence doesn't sound very positive, but you try being diagnosed with cancer and see how well you do. If I lived in isolation and didn't have to concern myself with these things, it would be one thing. But I don't. I am being forced to look at everything, and question its value to me and the value of the weight of it on my back. There is a cost for me to hold onto these things, is it worth it?

If one day I have my own place again, I would like to think yes. But will I? 

How do I pay for things?

No matter what happens next a cost is involved. I am not even making money for the most basic of life expenses, how can I afford a move?

So I am not only dealing with the question of where to live, I am dealing with how to live and facing the fact that I am alone facing it all. 

This really is too much to deal with.
I can't be calm in the midst of all of this. I try to be OK most of the time, but it comes through willful ignorance of the looming situation. It comes through not thinking about how the money is running out, not thinking about my teeth decaying, not thinking about my car needing work, not thinking about how I may have to move in just a few months, not thinking about how exhausted I am, not thinking about the fact that I have yet to make money, not thinking about how I am not functioning properly, not thinking about the pain I feel, not thinking about how I must deal with the physical issues I have, not thinking about my almost $700 a month insurance payment, not thinking about how a move to a different state might affect my situation when it comes to my healthcare.

Some days it is really easy not to think about all of these things. But today is not one of them. Some days it comes right up to me and I have no choice but to swim in the overwhelming tide that washes over me. Some days I feel like it is just not worth it. Some days I really feel like giving up.

I am so tired.

And, this my friends, is what life is like AFTER cancer.

Cedonaah (After Midnight)

So...

After some deliberation, I have decided to share another side of myself. It is a sensual side and it isn't something I have shared freely or openly. However, it is a side of me that I appreciate and I know that others do, too.

I am calling it Cedonaah after Midnight.

At the moment, there is only a Facebook page. In time, maybe I will do something else/something more. We'll see.

I decided to have it separate because while I do not feel it inappropriate for those under 18, there are some who may disagree. The images are no "worse" than what one would see in today's media, and there is no nudity.

If you would like to LIKE the page, you can go here. Help me get to 30 (I think) Likes and I can name the page properly. I know this won't be for everyone. But for those who appreciate the sensual, this will be for you.

I Haven't Mentioned...

anything about my teeth/the dentist.

But it is something that is becoming a greater concern.

Prior to chemo they tell you to go to the dentist. Chemo can oftentimes mess with your teeth. Going while you are on chemo can be a bit tricky, if something happens.

Well.

I never went. I couldn't afford to go. Being self employed, once again, I have issues regarding insurance. As in, I have none. And even if I had some, it still would not be the great. At one point I was checking into it, but once the cancer news hit, I wasn't sure how I could pay the bills I had to pay - much less an additional one.

I know I have some things that need to be addressed in a big way. I am a bit embarrassed by this. I am not sure why it is more embarrassing than anything else, but it is.

I haven't asked for financial help lately, but it is not because I don't need it. I do. It is just so damn difficult to keep asking over and over and over and then for people to see my need as no different than their own, or to see me as a scammer, or who knows what? But, obviously in many cases, nothing that prompts them to act.

Even people I know won't ask those who don't know me to help me. I can't say I blame them, I know it is awkward. At the same time, I have spent time and energy asking for help for strangers, so I know first hand it can be done. It also happens that one of my friends got on Facebook after my diagnosis and did just that. The first influx of donations I got were from a number of strangers acting on the request of someone they admired and respected doing the asking.

I have tried to ask for even $1. Sometimes I look at the numbers of people who are viewing my videos and pages and think how much better things could be if every person saw it in the heart to offer even just a $1. Even if I was a scammer, what is a $1?

I continue to see how others are helped in a big way. Not to say that they don't need it, or shouldn't get it, but are that many that tainted about someone struggling to survive their cancer ordeal that they won't help?

I have done everything I can think of to help my case. I have asked for people to vouch for me. I have attached my name and my business name. I have been forthcoming about personal and intimate details, I have invited people to talk to me - get to know me.

Next to nada.

It is just so damn difficult.

There are times I need a holiday from the begging.

It just so happens I am kinda OK at the moment, too. But that will change in a month or two if nothing else does. I am working so damn hard. I have so much to do. I am so freaking overwhelmed at the moment. Even though I say "overwhelmed," it doesn't even begin to describe the feeling I feel. I don't even know what does.

I feel like I want to cry. At the same time, I am oddly numb-ish.

I feel like I am in some Twilight Zone. I feel like I am in the middle of no where. It doesn't help that I am going to have to move. It doesn't help that I am tired as heck. It doesn't help that I am in pain and find it hard to physically move sometimes (and don't know why, not knowing what to "hope" for in terms of a reason). It doesn't help that I am burned out. It doesn't help that I have papers everywhere. It doesn't help that I have issues to deal with that are hanging over my head. It doesn't help that I am doing all that I can to move things forward, and financially things are dribbling.

Don't get me wrong. Thank goodness for the dribbles. I don't know how I could have gotten this far without them. But it doesn't help that I am all by myself dealing with this. There is no husband, boyfriend. No kids. No "great story" that pulls on your emotions.

Even if someone wanted to help, there are very few things that wouldn't have to involve me in some way, any way. While Christina built my site, I was very much involved in the process. If I hadn't been I wouldn't have been happy with things. And this is not to say Christina wouldn't have done a great job, because I am sure she would have. It is just that...

But I am getting off track.

If I ever was on one, that is.

Help.

Please.

I hate to beg. But that is what I am doing. I am begging you to please help me financially. If you are reading this, even $1 would help. REALLY. The ones add up. I see people getting money for the craziest of things. I am not asking for anything crazy. I am just asking for some help to do more than just barely survive. I am asking for some help so I don't feel like I have to drive myself so hard to do the things I am doing. So that I can get rest when my body says I really need it.

Chemo still affects me, even though my treatment is done. I have to try to do all I can to work, and a job would be physically out of the question at the moment - if I could even get one.

I have so much to offer. If you don't want to help financially, then you can help by sharing about me, my story, my need. You can help by asking for hypnosis, by buying a recording (Relatingtocancer.com/mp3s.html). You can help by going to Cedonaah and if you like any of the work giving me a donation. If you need images for work that you do, you can talk to me about purchasing them for your use. You can help by buying advertising with me on this blog, on my World of Perspective Blog, and/or live on my radio show or on my radio show site. I am working on ideas for that, and if the idea interests you, be in touch and I can tell you more. You can spread the word about my radio show and my various blogs. I am looking for major sponsors for the show, and I am looking for creative ways to make that happen.

If you are at a loss of what to do, but want to help, you could always just talk to me. By having a conversation, maybe something will come up that will help.

Believe me when I say I would rather not be doing this. But there is just no way to get around it. I need help. And the only way I am going to get some is to ask. It is how I have been able to receive what I have gotten so far.

Believe me when I also say it sucks, big time, to have survived treatment for cancer only to have to find a way to survive day-to-day. It is a bit like surviving a shipwreck, but winding up on an island in the middle of no where, with no one else there, hoping to survive and barely able to keep my eyes open and body moving in the midst of a storm.

It might be a slightly extreme parallel, but in some ways it isn't too far off.

What would you do, if it was you? How do you think you would feel?

If you can help financially, the best way is to use Paypal the address is Thankyou AT Jolope DOT com. (I spell it out to try to avoid spammers). The second best way is through my GoFundMe page (GoFundMe.com/rioj8).

Thank you.

How about Black AND White?

Quote: What Your Heart Feels

Quote: At the End of the Day (Denzel Washington)

Want a Quick and Easy Way to Promote Yourself?

This coming Monday, April 29 I invite you to my show WorldofPerspectiveRadio.com. I invite you to call in and to share about yourself and what you do. Depending on how things go, you could have a few minutes, or maybe even more.

I have this wonderful platform, and I want to use it to help others. So, if you are available any time between 4:00 and 4:50 PM Eastern time, please go to WorldofPerspectiveRadio.com and call in.

Details are in the upper right column. If you have any questions, please just ask!

This is the perfect opportunity for those of you who are too shy to do a long show/interview. Call in with your "elevator speech" that you've been practicing and refining. If you are looking for work, you can call in and tell what you are looking for. If you need a resource, you can call in and say what you need. If you need anything at all, you are welcome to call in and see if anyone who listens can help.

You never know what is possible until you try!

I look forward to your call.

Elizabeth

For Someone Diagnosed with cancer (Video)

(Might also be good to watch if you know of someone diagnosed...
it may give you an idea of what they're going through)

For the Camera/Video Shy (Video)

 

How to be Positive/How to Stay Positive (Video)

Wondering how to be or stay positive? 

Maybe you are asking the wrong question.

 

Easy as Cake?!

What do you do when you can't do what you want to do? You improvise.

Somewhere I have cake pans. But they were never unpacked, and are buried. What I do have are bread pans. So a couple of days ago they became cake pans.

I needed icing. But I didn't have the energy to go out and get some. I have made some before. I could do it again, right?

Well...not quite. But after a lot more effort than it was probably worth, I made something. It is not really icing like though. I it kinda like cake with candy, LOL. But...I kinda like the way it tastes any way.

It was not my best effort. But in the absence of "best" it was an effort that seemed, at least, to be appreciated, and that is good because now a couple of days later I am still in bed. Did not feel great when I woke up this morning.

I have come to realize that when I am busy working, it is difficult to have the energy to network. I want to do both, but I seem incapable of doing it a the moment. I hope I will be able to do both soon. As it is I will be doing some featured speaker presentations in the next few months, and those are "have tos" so hopefully I will manage. Come to think of it one is coming up next week. I gotta figure out my plan.

Oh. What. Fun.

(Not quite as bad as that, but I am soooo tired at the moment it is hard to be enthusiastic about much of anything).

I have so much I want and need to do and it is difficult to manage. I so need help. She says, as her eyes want to close at 1:30 in the afternoon.

Doing my best to live, in spite of the things that would want to hold me back, but the Piper is a bit greedy at times.

Bleeding Heart Liberal? (Video)

Into the Archives & Bringing the Past Present

Me 2007 - Did I even know who I was?

It is nearly 2:00 in the morning, and I am wide awake. My mind is going a thousand miles per hour. I started looking at old images and started to fiddle, a lot.

(It doesn't help that I have a cat that is meowing mournfully and loudly and consistently, either...I swear, she is driving me a bit crazy at times lately!)

I am once again having a sense of urgency about everything.

Why is that?

I really wish I knew.

I suddenly also want to share more of myself. I want to share those things that were once hidden. I want to bring my past self out of hiding. I want to bring her to the world, to the present.

Same Time, 2007

There is so much to me. So much. If you are a complete stranger I wouldn't know where to begin. If you are someone who knows me, we may have already started. I want all of me in one place, whole and complete.

I just want to be myself.
Past. Present. Future.
For once.
Forever.

How to Waste Time, Money & Food

Helping me type - of course

Today has been one hell of a day.

Despite the fact that I really need a break, I was doing things. I was doing things because I have to. I have things that need to get done.

On top of that, I decided to make a cake for my friend's birthday. It is something that I should have done with greater ease but I suspect that good ole chemo brain was not helping. I wanted to do half a cake and I wanted to make the icing. I managed to get through the cake. But when I went to make the icing I screwed up more than once and had to toss what I was doing after spending time doing it.

There are times like earlier today that I get really frustrated. This is NOT how things are supposed to go. I have done these things before, and they have worked out well. It is not supposed to be this frustrating and time-consuming and such an incredible waste.

The last thing I needed today was to bake a cake. But I wanted to. I wanted to because ordinarily it is something I enjoy. I wanted to because I wanted to for my friend. He does so much for me. It is the least I feel I can do to acknowledge his day. I don't think the cake came out too well. But I guess I will find out tomorrow when we go to eat it.

In addition, I was trying to do some cleaning. Every time I cleaned something it only got dirty again. You ever notice that? Nothing ever stays clean for a long time. The minute you go to do something else, what you just did gets undone.

There are times I really want to just throw everything out and just forget I had anything. I get really frustrated with the mess and the papers. I get really frustrated by the list of things I need to attend to. My car really needs an oil change. But I haven't done it. I think my friend worries for me. I hope he has nothing to worry about. Hopefully the car will be/is just fine.

I think he needs to worry more for me about me. I don't not get it done because I am off having fun or being lazy. I don't get it done because I can't handle it. It is just one too many things for me to deal with.

I really think people don't realize what I am dealing with and going through. I really think they don't have a clue. They think they do because the things I talk about are life things. Who doesn't need to change the oil in the car, or clean their house, or do their laundry? Someone once told me to "join the club."

The problem is that I can't join the club. Most clubs have people dealing with the same types of things. And while superficially we may deal with the same things, it is not the same. For starters, I am exhausted. It is a tired song. But I am.

I read today in a magazine that addresses cancer issues that a good percentage of people who deal with cancer still feel tired long after treatment - sometimes YEARS. In addition, it talks about the aftermath of treatment, and how it is worse for some. It occurs to me that there is a slight issue with where that article is. Those who are affected by cancer or those who deal with cancer in some way are the ones who read it. Many more need to know these things that haven't been affected by it.

It is exhausting to always have to tell people that I am not able to be as one might expect. I don't want to say it. I don't want to believe it. I don't want to be it. But the fact remains that it is my experience at the moment and it affects my ability to function and my ability to handle all of the things I need to.

My life has one huge backlog at the moment.  So much hasn't been done for so long. On top of that, I am all too aware that I am going to have to move in the next several months and as I was sorting through my clothes and changing out my closet, I was debating about what to do with my winter clothes. Do I put them in boxes? Will I be out of here before the cold comes again? Where will I be? Will I have to make sure they don't get stored away where I can't get to them, even if other things have to wind up in storage?

Where will I wind up? Will I house sit? Will I be able to move with my friend? Will I be able to find a place to rent? (Should I? Given that I am still not making an income, would I be able to find a place and even if I did, might it be a "dangerous" proposition? How am I going to pay the rent?) Will I wind up back in NY?

So many questions. So many webs. So many things that depend on so many other things. So many things I need to sort through. I have a pile of clothes that I need to get rid of. I have a few bags of other things, too. I have a bunch of boxes in my friend's basement that I either pay to move again and perhaps store or I go through and get rid of things. I don't know that I can afford the former, but don't know if I can physically afford the latter.

I have been trying to do at least one thing every day. But it has been very difficult. It is hard enough to keep up with the present without having to deal with my past and future simultaneously.

And then there is the "small" issue of the chemo port. It is still in. They recommend you keep it for at least 6 months. They told me that if all looked fine at the 6 month mark, we could talk about taking it out. What does that mean for activity? I need to find out. The last thing I need right now is to not be able to lift heavy boxes. Although my body isn't thrilled at the idea at the moment any way. There are days I am in so much pain and discomfort.

So why am I writing? Because I have to. I have to because so many thoughts boomerang around my brain. I have to because I need the release. I need the break. I really need a more significant break, but I am not sure when I will get one. I have things that have to get done. I am tempted to give myself several days to recoup and do some version of "nothing," but there is a whole bunch of somethings that need to be addressed or I will have bigger issues.

Sometimes I just want to go ARGGHHH.

I started with hell and I'll finish with Heaven,
if only it will help me. :P

For the Record

Alexa.com tells you information about websites. If a website doesn't have much traffic, it may not even show up with a rank (on the other end of the spectrum, Facebook is #2). I thought I would check out my blog and radio show. I think the last time I checked the blog it was around 10 Million. I think. Because I don't remember, I thought I would make a record of it so that when I next look, I will have something definitive to compare it to. 

While the numbers may not be all that impressive to some, it means something to me that they are even being ranked. I think it is pretty awesome. And I love that something seems to be happening. Here's to my continued movement - UPWARD ONLY - Please! LOL.

Sometimes I debate about how open I should be about everything - especially now that I am looking for people to come and be guests and advertisers. But I keep thinking that it will be of interest to those who might be sitting on the sidelines wondering what to do or how to do it or if they should do it or how it is for someone else or...any number of things.

Any new venture has one thing in common. It's new. At the same time it is built upon what has come before. Even the birth of a baby is built upon what came before. The parents had to come together. And how they got there was part of it. And the full grown adult that you are is built upon that baby self, a child self, your teen self, your young adult self, and so on. Nothing is without what came before.

And who and what these sites have - and will - become has everything to do with who I have been before. It is my hope - and wish - that those who jump aboard see value in jumping aboard. That they see value in who I am and what I have accomplished thus far and want to be a part of it. 

Of course I could try to make myself sound impressive. Of course I could do all kinds of marketing manipulations. But the thing is...I only want to be who I am. And if there is no value in that I guess I will know soon enough. Until then I will keep doing my best to chug along, and if you want to join the train, it is my desire that there always be room for people with kind, open and generous hearts and spirits. If you're one of them, I hope you'll jump aboard.

Choo. Choo.

The Greater the Investment...

Have you ever noticed that the more invested in something you become, the more likely you are to continue to invest in something that is heading south?

I was thinking about that today.

I was thinking about how I stayed in a bad relationship a lot longer than I should have because I thought I was "getting close." I had also thought about all that I had invested already. It seemed to make more sense to me to stay in it that to back out and go somewhere else.

I played a game once that in order to continue to play you had to pay. I wasn't going to do it. But then it seemed like I was pretty close, so I paid. But I didn't make it. But I had already paid once. So I paid again. But I still didn't make it. So I paid again. I had to be closer. I was close the first time.

I don't remember if I paid til I won, or if I stopped. But the more I invested, the more I felt I had to invest in order to get out of it what I intended to get out of it. I  bet that is a reason why games like Sugar Crush Saga are so seemingly successful. If they play off of that piece of how we operate as human beings.

I have never been a gambler, but it seems to me that gamblers are at the effect of this effect - some more than others.

In thinking about this, I found myself really curious about something. A few somethings, actually.

Why do we think that keeping going will give us a positive outcome?

How can we be so sure that what we think we know is better than what we think we don't know?

How do we know that if we just took a couple of steps in another direction - abandoning where we are - in a sense "giving up" - that we wouldn't find an easier solution or a better option?

We have come to believe that giving up is a bad thing. There are tales of those who gave up just as they were about to find diamonds (I wish I could remember the story, and whether or not it is "true," but it doesn't really matter - the over all effect on someone is most likely the same) and how much they missed out because they-just-didn't-go-one-step-farther.

It occurs to me that when we are at the effect of something, we really don't have the control we think we do. Consciously we would never want to admit it, so we will defend our actions logically. After all, who is going to quibble with logic, right?

Well...funny thing is, many people do - especially when it is someone else's logic, and not their own. Many people could look at my situation much more objectively than I ever could.  And they could see how it wasn't working, and probably never would. And they could tell that staying in wasn't going to help, but was only going to dig me deeper. But for me - I was that much closer to what I wanted (I just had to be)

It might be easy to kick myself for choices I have made, especially in that regard. But I promised myself when I went into it that no matter what happened, I was going to be without regret. I had to know and I knew if I didn't do it, I would always wonder "what if?" and I preferred to know rather than live with the what if.

I could have also done things differently. I could have seen the signs for what they were and I could have taken a different route. It never occurred to me that there was another What if? It never occurred to me that there could have been a whole different life ahead of me if I had taken that path. But the thought of losing the person that I had come to think of as so special is what drew me to the direction I wound up taking. I knew what I would be losing if I chose to move away from him, but I really didn't know what I was losing by going toward him.

Hearts Beat by Cedonaah

I went with the seeming certainties, and I went with a choice that seemed to minimize my losses.

Was it the path I was meant to go on? Some would say yes, because it is the one I chose. The fact is I learned a lot from that experience. I think I learned enough that I would consider there to be many lessons learned, enough that they will never be repeated.

At the same time, I learned things that gave me perspective that I could never have had without having been there myself. I used to judge some people in my life for their choices. It made no sense to me what they did. It would make more sense if they...

It is so much easier to talk about how you would walk in someone else's shoes than to actually walk in someone else's shoes. And the fact is that someone else's shoes won't always fit us, either so we have no idea what it really is like, because we couldn't fit into them. We also have different things we enjoy and like, so we may not even like them. Since we don't like the style, we never even would want to even try them on. We have a discomfort about something that keeps us away from them. But for someone else, it is a different story. For someone else it fits perfectly.

The shoe metaphor is a rich one. There are so many different angles that could be taken. The fact remains that for as much as we may be alike, we are all very different. Who we are is a conglomeration of things that is unique. No two people will ever experience life exactly the same way. There are times people will view something and one will come away wounded while another will come away enriched.

There was something I had read about two sisters whose father I think was an alcoholic and beat them. One became successful and had a mostly positive outcome and the other was the opposite. When asked why they were the way they were, they both said something to the effect of "Well look at how my father was. It was the only way I could be."

So once again, I started out one way, and diverged onto a different path. That seems to happen with me a lot. I would say it is mostly a good thing. It just seemed natural to go from where I was to where I got to. It took no effort at all.

Maybe that is the way life is meant to be. Maybe we are not meant to force ourselves onto other paths and roads and to put ourselves in neat little boxes. If we were meant to do that, wouldn't it seem to be easier to do? It's funny, though, because when it comes to other people it can be all too easy to do.

How much of our life do we live living up to what others think we should do and how we should be? How much of our life do we live going along with the unconscious streams that carry us along? How much are we driven by our desires? How much are we driven by the lessons we might need to learn?

How much of our life do we truly live?

And what if truly living was all of the things I mentioned above?

Hmm.

Having Doubts

Where did they come from?

It was like I was speeding toward a destination, and then...
suddenly...screech...the brakes were applied. I am still
moving, but I feel like I am skidding. Moving, without
much feeling of control.

I have been feeling numbish. I am guessing everything
just caught up with me. In the last few days I did a couple
of things that needed to be done - for a while. Neither of
which I knew what I would do, or when. I just knew
something would need to be done, some time.

I was feeling fairly good. Doing what I did was like a
weight was lifted.

But...

I am feeling overwhelmed. It is only a matter of time
before I am going to have to move. There is so much to
sort through and organize. There is so much I need to just
get rid of, let go of. I don't know where I am going. I
haven't a freakin' clue.

I think the uncertainty of it all is getting to me. I am
trying to deal with too many things. Every day I try to
do something. But it is so hard. I am so tired.

I have a Pet scan coming up, too. That is stressful for
a few reasons, one of which is the cost that comes along
with it.

I have decided to put Melaleuca on hold. I just can't do
it. I have to invest too much of something I do not have.

I am putting a lot of work into the radio show again, and
that is taking a toll, too. I want to believe that it will pay
off, but it is a lot of work right now with no real financial
return. I am trying to get my head together so I can figure
out things around the financial aspects, but I am just so
not there at the moment.

But I need to be.

But I am not.

Thus. Pressure.

I feel really emotional at the moment. I am not sure why
this moment. I am not sure if it is something specific, or
just the totality of everything.

On top of it all, all I want to do is eat. I have a crazy
appetite. I don't know what that is about. Maybe it is
just my way of trying to cope with the stress. Many times
in my life I have been a stress eater. Maybe the difference
right now is that I am doing my best not to give in, or try
to at least eat veggies.

I have gained back about twenty pounds of what I lost.
I am not sure when it happened, but I am not happy about it.
It is a good thing I didn't chuck all of my clothes twenty
pounds ago.

I am thinking I need to get back to walking every day.
I was doing that for a while and it really seemed to help,
and I really enjoyed it, too. I am also thinking I need to
be more active. I have been using a workout, stretchy
tool and I don't know if it helps, or not...but I like the
way it makes my body feel.

I have also been wondering about changing my diet.
I don't think it has been too bad. However I am back to
eating things with gluten on a regular basis. I am also
eating dairy more than I was. When I lost ten pounds in
a month pre-diagnosis, I wasn't eating gluten and I wasn't
eating dairy. I had a very strict diet of veggies and meat.
And I was walking.

I felt pretty good and my skin was clear. It was pretty
incredible.

I have thought about this more than once, but then I
haven't done it. I am not sure why. I think my incentive
back then was the discomfort I was having when eating.
I kinda - in some ways - felt like i did not have a choice.

Maybe I have too many other things now that are taking
my energies to refocus eating, too. Maybe it's just an
excuse. But I don't think so.

The other day someone was making it seem like I was
making an excuse about not doing something. I was honest
about how I felt: I have a lot going on, and limited energy
and ability to do things. I am extremely overwhelmed.
I am not sure about taking on something else. I don't
know that I can at the moment.

I don't think they got it. Probably sounded like what so
many others might say not to do something. But my
guess is that they don't have the tiredness that lingering
chemo leaves you with. My guess is that they have a
job, and come home and then have something of a life.
My guess is that they may have things that they could
trade in order to get something else done that they say
they want - if they were willing to make it happen.

I don't know that I have anything to trade. Someone
looking at my life might say I do. But they are not me.
And lately I have had more than one person try to tell
me that I am not doing things right.

I don't need to hear that right now.

I really don't.

I know they want to be helpful. But it is NOT.

Imagine you are hanging by a thread. Is it really going
to be helpful for someone to come along and SPECULATE
what might be an alternative for you. SPECULATE,
because no one REALLY knows.

I am feeling very alone again. I am feeling like I am
going against the damn tides. I have asked those who are
on my show to please donate if they think that what I am
doing to support them is valuable to them. We will see
what happens. If I don't get contributions and I don't
get advertisers, then this is just not going to work out
very well. It costs money to be on the station where I am,
and more importantly, I need to make a living, pay bills,
and find a place to have a roof over my head.

It is interesting, too, for me to see how some act in
regard to my radio show. Many, it seems, think they are
doing me a favor by being on there. I am not sure how I
feel about that. It is not what I want to create.

I want to create an environment in which we are like
partners, doing something mutually beneficial. I don't
want it to be where one feels superior, or in some way
having an advantage over the other. I want someone
who seeks a field on which to play. I am not looking
for someone to dominate or be dominated by. I want
to enjoy what I do, and I want those who come on the
show to enjoy their time with me. I never want it to
have a sterile, business transaction feel. I want someone
to take ownership for their interview and not feel like
they are just coming along for a ride.

When I have been on other people's shows, I have made
sure that I promote my appearance. They never asked me
to, but it just seemed to make sense to me. The thing is,
though, I know many don't do it. I am not sure why it
doesn't make sense to them.

I want to feel a level of comfort with a person who is on
the show. I could just do cold types of visits, but I think
it is better if I have a sense of the person ahead of time.
I don't really know how best to convey all of this. Plus,
in the world we live in, who really has time to really
CONNECT, any way? It is a mad dash from one thing
to the next.

Interestingly, when Ken Newman told me about Dan
Pavlik, Dan and I got on the phone together. We talked.
We got to know each other, and we connected. I liked
Dan. I liked the way he thought and the way he operated.
As a result, I spent a lot of time doing things to support
his endeavor which was, Nominated, an independent
feature film.

I spent hours talking to him and his actors. I spent hours
recording video and audio and then editing them. I spent
hours doing what I could to help promote the film,
including helping with the blog he was keeping.

I was invested because we were connected. It is the way
I am. I will do whatever I can for someone if I feel
invested in them, and what they do.

I wish I knew why I felt like it was so important to be
connected and invested. I wish I knew why, because
every so often I am discouraged when others do not see
things MY way.

This is not to say MY way is the right or best way,
but rather that it is the way that I have always been,
and I don't really know how to be any other way. I
would like to say it is a good thing. I really would.
But I am really not sure. It is rare that I find someone
who sees things as I do.

If others saw things as I do, there would be more others
sharing about me and my predicament and the things
that I am offering and do. And they would be doing it
more consistently. I have invested great energy in trying
to help strangers on occasion when there has been a need.

I want to be clear that there ARE those who are doing
what they can to help, and that they are doing it how
they think they best can. I am clear about that. But there
are times that I really feel like I am drowning, and I am
not sure if it is enough.

I have been writing for a long time. I highly doubt this
whole blog will be read by many. Attention spans aren't
that long these days, plus, I don't know how much value
my predicament and concerns have to others.

That's fine, though. I am not really writing for anyone
but myself. I really felt I needed to purge tonight. There
have been so many things stewing. Interestingly, I am
very tired now, and my eyes are wanting to close.

I suppose I should try to get some rest before having to
get up and do a whole bunch of things tomorrow. There
are things I have scheduled for the week, and I don't know
if I will make some of them. I could potentially force it,
but that, I think, would be a problem. I am not sure it
is right to force something I am not sure I am ready for.

The only question then becomes when will I be ready?
And the only answer I have at the moment is...I don't
have a freakin' bloody clue.

Oh, by the way, I usually try to at least re-read a blog once
before reposting. I won't be doing that with this one. So
if it is a mess, it stands.

The other day I was reading about what makes an effective
blog. There were different facets to make it "successful."
"Funny" thing is, I don't want to do anything with this
blog other than what I have been doing. I suppose I could
do more to call more attention and that would be a great
thing. But this is not a business blog. My life is not a
business and I think it would be a mistake for me to treat
it as one.

At the same time, I really do have to figure out how I can
get to the point where I am earning a living. Where is the
balance? "People" try to tell me that I will only be
successful if I do things a certain way. I don't know that
I believe them.

It puts me in a league of my own, or of at least very few.
At times like that it is easy to wonder if I am out leading
the pack, or if I am going in the wrong direction. Part of
the problem - if it is the wrong direction - is that I am only
going the way that I am, because it feels right.

I have to hope and pray I am right. I have to hope and pray
that someone comes along, reads this, believes in me, and
acts on it in some way that is not only beneficial to me,
but is also beneficial to those who seem to think I make
a difference in this world.

Apparently (at least according to some) I have no unique
story to tell. Apparently no one would be interested in what
I have to say because I am "just" another person telling their
story. I am "just" another person who was dealt cancer.

I am not sure I believe that. At the same time, it is scary
to consider spending time and energy to write a book to
tell that story and then to have it go no where. That is, if I
am doing it to make money.

I really don't know what I think of the preset answers that
some will insist are right. At the same time, I have to
wonder what it might be wise to listen to. It would seem
I am missing something.

But...

It is also possible I just haven't gotten to where I need to
be just yet. I really hope I figure it out soon. Whatever "it" is.

I suppose I can be reassured to know that I have already
made a difference in this world. I suppose that knowing I
made a difference for some in some ways is good enough.

But...

As good as that might be, I can't imagine that I am meant
to suffer and/or drown in the midst of all that I have to offer.
If I do, is it my "fault," or is it a part of some greater thing
I don't have all the understanding for? All too often I think
we view seeming lacks as a negative. But the thing is maybe
it is only seeming and maybe it will ultimately create a
positive. But in the midst of the seeming mess, it is very
difficult to have clarity about any potential positives.

On top of everything else, I am having a few issues I haven't
spoken about. But I don't want to go there now. As it was, I
had intended to end this paragraphs ago.

I will just conclude this novella for the moment, hoping that
I have significantly dumped what I needed to before heading
off to bed. One last thing I will mention is that earlier I saw
1010 and 2211. It is interesting to note that the meanings of
these numbers in some way seem to be telling me that good
things are afoot.

In the midst of the mess that my world and mind are at the
moment it is certainly a welcome thought. I just hope it is
a correct one.

Good night.

How do we decide what is important?

How do we decide what is important?

It is something I have been pondering today. There is nothing like a critical illness and needing to pack and move to get you thinking about things.

I look at so much of what I have and ask myself if I really need it. For many things the answer is no. That is likely the answer for most things, except that my mind finds reasons to keep stuff.

Even if I live to be 100, I will never get to do all of the things I want to do, or think I should do. There is so much that just ain't gonna happen. I think about my aunt who passed away. She had so many things around her that she loved. And now? I don't know what will happen to them, but they likely won't ever belong to someone who values them the way she did.

Is the "stuff" worth valuing?

Over the years so many books have crossed my hands. Each time I have moved I have paired down what I have only to build on the collection in my new place. The fact that I have a Kindle Reader has curtailed that a bit. But the fact is that I like the tangible. I like the things in my hand. I like being able to flip through the pages, and I like not being on electronic equipment of some type all of the time.

a pizza I made today - from scratch

It's a good thing we can't cook virtually, or we'd be in trouble. Of course convenience meals and microwaves do a good job of getting us pretty close. I read somewhere recently that many of the younger generation don't know how to cook )from scratch). If they're just eating healthy and raw, that is one thing. But the fact is that it isn't that.

There was a time in my life when I played a Domestic Goddess. I did everything a good housewife should. And for the most part, I would say I enjoyed it. I liked cooking and baking and did what I could to find interesting recipes. I found so many that at one point my then boyfriend joked that if he said he liked something he'd never see it again. He liked to have some consistency in what we ate. But i wasn't having it. :P

Of course, in retrospect I might have considered that a bit more, but at the time I didn't see what the problem was. It is interesting to note that we both grew up with the same types of foods on a regular basis. For him it was comfort. As for me, i wanted to find variety. Same type of thing, but two different desires and reactions.

In so many ways we were different. But that is not what this blog is about. But what exactly it is about, I am not really sure. Just like what happens so many times. I sit down to write with one thing in mind and it brings up other things.

So...

Back to the beginning.

How do we decide what is important?

Funny.

I went back to the beginning to see where I began. Apparently it was important to me to stay somewhat on track - or at least get back on track...but I had forgotten where I started.  Isn't that what much of life is like?

We start somewhere, and wind up somewhere else, forgetting where we began. Sometimes in the process we lose our way. At other times we may find something special in the process. If we are stubborn and stick to a plan we might just miss out.

How do we know what is the "best" way to go? I ask because I really am not sure. I think my logical self likely "wins" to the expense of the unconscious, intuitive self. Do you know how many times I have kept something to never touch it again? To forget that I even had it?  There is such a pull on me to simplify my life, but I am not being as cooperative as one might be. There is so much I could probably get rid of and never see again, and it would likely be no big deal. It might be a little one, though. But it is not like I wouldn't be able to get over it.

And the thing is...

One day, I will be joining my aunt. And most of the things I leave behind probably no one else will care about, either.

In the end, I suspect there is very little that really, truly matters. As a result, a lot of the stuff we have just gets in the way of what really, truly is important.

Going to the Right

I know when I get burned out. I go and be creative. I look at images I have, and I see what I can do with them. In a way, I am creating "work" for myself as the creation ultimately winds up being upload and shared every which way.

I am not sure it is a good thing. But it is something that I really need from time to time. It is really difficult using my logical, left brain these days and when I do this type of thing, it gives my brain a break.

I have also been trying to clear out stuff. Since a move is coming, I will have to do it sooner or later. It is exhausting. I don't know how I am going to do it when the time comes. But hopefully whenever that is, I will have done enough to help things along that it won't be as bad as it would be if it had to be right now.

As I type, my eyes just want to close. It is hard to always feel like I am running, or need to run.

Earlier I was reading Mare Cromwell's book, Messages From Mother.... Earth Mother. She is going to be a guest on my show on Monday. I thought it would be helpful/interesting for me to see what she is up to and what all the "noise" is about. If you care about the earth (and I certainly hope you do, given this is the only place we can call home for now) then it might be an interesting conversation for you to partake in (Monday, 4:00 ET, WorldofPerspectiveRadio.com).

Look at that...talking about trying to get away from work, and winding up in "work" territory. I guess I really can't help myself. I keep thinking if I can get to the point that I find some sponsors maybe I can do things differently. What I am really hoping is that I don't get to that place only to find that "there" isn't the place I think it is.

Frustrated and Overwhelmed.

I am wondering how many people will read a blog called "Frustrated and Overwhelmed." It occurs to me that those who have a "rubbernecking" mentality might want to view the mess that is behind it. Some people seem to have a train wreck mentality. What does this train wreck look like? Then there are those who might want to stay away from anything that might seem negative, so the title might as well be "Steer Clear."

Of course, there are a whole range of reactions people might have, and yours may be one of concern for me. It may also be that you just stumbled into it, or that a key word you were searching that really had nothing to do with the topic brought you here. (I have found a few people have wound up here exactly that way. So wonder what their reaction was, LOL).

I was trying to do something in relation to my site when I HAD to take a break. That is how I wound up here. I needed to release some steam. I can't tell if what I am dealing with is stress, chemo, something I haven't identified - or all of the above.

Pre-chemo things like what I was trying to do might also be difficult. There would be times I would just give up - sometimes not long after I began - because it was just too much over my head. There was someone who would sometimes help me with web stuff, and when that would happen I might ask him to "just do it" for me. Sometimes it worked. Other times not so much. There would be times I would have to just hack something together myself, or just not do it.

The way I feel right now, I just want to say FUCK IT.

It is a reaction to my situation, and certainly not an empowering one.
But it is a very real one. I am dealing with just way too much.

But I can't fuck it. I can't give up. I can't stop. I have to keep going. Not because I want to, necessarily, but because my survival depends on it. I would imagine that could be a good and bad thing. Bad in that I feel a lot of stress to keep moving - even when I don't want to. Good in that I have to keep moving - even when I don't want to.

All of these things that I have been questioning, all of these ideas I have...they may sound good. But in the midst of all of the stuff I have to deal with, there are no easy solutions. People tell me to take a break. I want to. I really do. But I don't know what that is. I try to do "mini" breaks, and they feel good, but I need more. I haven't had a real vacation in like forever. Well, not quite, but it might as well have been.

Not that that is the answer, really.

It bothers me, too, that I feel lacking. I don't feel like I am myself. I am not your "average" person trying to do the things I am. I could try to pretend that I am, but when I do, I seem to pay the price when I can't do anything for a few days. I am doing all I can to be all that I can, and it just doesn't feel like it is enough.

I am constantly having to explain to others how things are for me because their assumptions would have them think inaccurate thoughts about the most basic and simple things. Someone doing something as simple as asking me to call them sometimes just isn't a good idea.

It is difficult to explain how I am, and how I feel. So much seems to fall through the cracks. So much isn't done nearly as well as I would like it to be. I worried a bit about getting back into the "professional" world because of that. People expect "professionalism," which often seems to equate to perfectionism, or something a close second.

I want to write a book. I know it is in me, and I know it will come. Will it be now? I don't know. But the wheels might have turned a bit yesterday after meeting Ken from The Umbrella Syndicate. Maybe one step has been taken. I know it is the first of many more. And maybe it will happen on its own schedule, just like so many other things I have been doing. At the same time, I feel a bit of pressure now about it - and it is not the helpful, encouraging, driving type.

I just barely got my radio show up and running, and there are still things to do. There is only one me, and I am having a hard enough time dealing with one major thing - much less adding another thing. Plus there is the "small" issue of having to pay him. That makes it another thing, as I need to raise the funds to make it happen. And that could be another project unto itself if I Indiegogo it.

Some people say they want to do things - but never do. Some people make excuses as to why they can't or won't do something. I have been one of the some on many occasions. But this is different. This is not that.

I think we might want to be careful when dealing with people and what we think we know. There are times I want to grab people and tell them what I know about how abrupt life can be. I want to tell them to get moving. At the same time, sometimes where we are and what we do is absolutely perfect for where we will one day be.

With that said, I am where I am. And it sucks at times. But it is where I am. I am doing the best I can with what I have got. For some it won't be enough. For others it might seem like I am doing a lot. As for me, I need to find some peace around the situation I now find myself in, because a lot or a little, it's all I got.

I feel a bit better now.
*Whew*
Thanks for listening.

Yogurt Drops (Recipe - of sorts) | Video

So easy...

See if you can figure it out from the video.

Triple Play Day (Video)

I Found a Dime: Is that you?

When my aunt passed away there was some conversation about how someone told one of my cousins about how she was left dimes by someone who died. I had never heard this before, but apparently if you look online, there are people who believe that the dead leave dimes for their loved ones.

My cousin found a few dimes after that.

The "funny" thing? I am finding dimes, too. Now I don't know that they weren't mine to begin with. But if I am finding loose change that is mine, why is it not a quarter, a penny, a nickel? Why is it a dime?

For me it is interesting to note it. As to whether or not I believe it's my aunt, I don't know what to think. At the same time, if there is a chance it is her letting me know that she is still around, I will take it. I have spoken to her a few times, and have asked for her help. There is so much uncertain and unclear about my life and if she can help spur something along, I certainly would not mind.


In the meantime, I am aware of having .10 more now than I did earlier today. WoO HOo! I am rich.

Lean Into Life (Image) | Quote

Such Profound Sadness I Feel Today

Yesterday was the Boston Marathon, and as you likely know by now, it was a day to remember, but not for good reasons. A few moments ago I saw a picture of a 7 year old boy who was killed while waiting for his father at the finish line. I think I heard his mother and sister were there, too, but "only" wounded.

I cannot imagine the devastation this family must feel, and quite frankly, who would want to? Who would want to feel the pain of something - especially something that would seem to be avoidable?

But what isn't avoidable is the pain we feel for another who has been hurt. I can't help but think that is what makes us human. It is our ability to feel what another might. But it would seem that there are things that happen that put aside that for what someone might deem a "greater" reason or cause. I would like to think that if the person or persons who did what they did yesterday thought about what it would be like if it was someone they knew and cared about that would be wounded, maimed, killed, would they have taken the steps they did?

It is only a guess, but I would think there are no words that can truly console a person who has been affected by a tragedy of this magnitude. And yet, we as people, seek consolation. We are uncomfortable with discomfort. We are uncomfortable with pain. We are uncomfortable with disappointment.

And yet these things which are very much a part of life will likely never go away. We can't legislate it away. We can't wish it away. We can't control it away. The only thing we can do is find a way to "dance" with it. The only thing we can do is find our own way to be in the midst of the things that cause us pain and discomfort.

And what that means may vary from person to person. Many people who become advocates of something have returned, like a Phoenix, from the ashes of an experience that caused them pain and had the potential to kill them, if not literally - in spirit.

Some say if an illness is not dealt with at a "cause level," it is not going to be treated properly. Treating the symptoms often causes more problems. I can't help but wonder if we are becoming so reactive to things that we are interacting more with the symptoms of a problem, rather than the cause itself.

We could say we know the issues, and THAT is what is causing the problem. But what if there is a deeper level that is missed by what we think we know?

People talk about "World Peace." The idea of it sounds wonderful, doesn't it? But how can the world be a peace when the individuals in it are not?

You will deal with it however you do. And there may be darkness before the dawn. It is cliche to be sure, but being someone who has come through some incredible darkness, who wondered if I would ever see the light again, I believe that there can be light if you just go far enough. Sometimes we may not get that opportunity, but there is no way to know whether or not it is there unless we...just...keep... going and doing the best we can with our given circumstances.

Sending a hug to anyone who wants or needs one.
Feel free to send one back.