At a Loss for Words? (Things You Can Say When Someone Has Been Diagnosed with cancer)

Earlier today someone I hadn't spoken to in a bit told me that a friend of his was diagnosed with terminal cancer. He was given only 6 weeks to live. The person talking to me was/is devastated. He said he didn't know what to say to his friend who is feeling lost.

What was interesting about the conversation was that while he didn't know what to say to his friend, he knew how he felt. What he didn't realize was that all of the things he was telling me were things that were perfect for him to tell his friend.

The first thing I told him to tell his friend, "It sucks."

He told me how he can't do anything for his friend and I told him that he could say something like, "I wish I had magic words that could fix everything and that I can't imagine how you must be feeling."

I told him to tell his friend how amazing he is and how grateful he is to have had him in his life all these years. I told him to tell his friend how sad he is and that if he loves him - to tell him.

I also suggested that he tell his friend to tell him if there is anything he can do for him, to let him know and to let him know that he wouldn't go anywhere. As long as his friend wanted him to be there, he would be (but ONLY if he meant it).

This person told me that he was putting on a brave face and that he kept saying things were OK, but knew they were not. In my experience, that is not in the least bit helpful. Things like that could even on occasion make me angry.

If you know that things are not OK, the best thing you can do is acknowledge that they're not OK - rather than deny the perceived reality - especially if you don't believe what you are saying. I told him he could say he was sorry for saying that things are OK, as he knew they are not.

He said he was feeling lost. I told him he could tell his friend that he was feeling lost, too - as he was losing a damn good friend. I told him to tell him he was angry, to tell him how he feels.

He said that being so close to "death" wasn't something that was comfortable for him. I suggested that he tell his friend that, adding that he can only imagine how much worse it must be for him.

In my experience, those who said things to try to make things better were never helpful. An illness like cancer creates a pretty stark reality that couldn't be any more real for the person chosen to wear those shoes. Odds are good you will not be doing a loved one any favors by denying the reality or stifling your feelings or emotions. As a matter of fact, your feelings and emotions may be an incredible gift for the person you care about.

Is it going to be the case every time?

Maybe not.

However, just know that you are never truly at a loss for words if you speak what you feel with an acknowledgment of the other person's feelings and circumstances.

If you needed this entry, I am sorry. I know it must really suck. Just know that being yourself is one of the things your friend or family member probably needs most right now. If I can help in any way, please be in touch.

Lots of Love,
Elizabeth