Freak Out!

A little while ago I called to check on what a POD would cost. I was checking on a POD because I have no idea where I am going to land, and have minimal ability to move myself and/or pay movers.

When I called, all I wanted was an idea of cost. Just so I knew what I was looking at. It wasn't easy to get an answer because I don't know what I am doing yet. But if I decided to move down to North Carolina with the bulk of my things, it appears it will cost me about 2K, through them.

Of course there are other options.  But everything about this is worrying for me. I don't want to be worried, but I can't help it.

First of all, where am I going?

It remains to be seen if I can tag along with my friend, but he doesn't know what he is doing yet. Next, I am not currently paying rent - and couldn't, if I had to. So where can I go and not pay rent? The one option I have is my mother's. She surprised me by suggesting it when I was in NY, but she doesn't really have room for me. I am also not sure it is the best idea. Maybe it would be a temporary fix. But what if a temporary fix becomes more permanent, and more by circumstance, and not by choice? Plus I would then have to pay for storage of my things.

Then there is the issue of even if I can pay rent, where could I rent? Many places want to see tax returns and income. I haven't done my last 2 years tax returns yet. Plus I haven't had regular income. Would a place accept me? 

Where do I want to be? 

I moved to California fearlessly in 2007. Now I am scared to be anywhere by myself. What if something happens? What if I need help? I HATE saying that. I HATE it. I don't want to live my life in fear of "what if?" But I also discovered something about living in California...I didn't really like being there by myself. I liked it at first, but after a time it felt very lonely and isolated. 

What to do about my "Stuff"?

When I left California I got rid of a lot of things, but I kept furniture and a bunch of other "Stuff." I kept the furniture because I thought it made sense. It cost less to ship than it would to replace it. But now I don't know what to do. If my stuff has to go into storage, I don't know that I should put furniture there. I should probably just get rid of it. Do I get rid of everything and just start over?

And what about my health?

I want to believe that everything is and will be fine. I really want to. But I hurt when I move more often than not these days. How am I going to pack and move boxes? What if I rent a place and then I can't work again? Is it worth holding onto things? Am I going to survive? 

I realize that last sentence doesn't sound very positive, but you try being diagnosed with cancer and see how well you do. If I lived in isolation and didn't have to concern myself with these things, it would be one thing. But I don't. I am being forced to look at everything, and question its value to me and the value of the weight of it on my back. There is a cost for me to hold onto these things, is it worth it?

If one day I have my own place again, I would like to think yes. But will I? 

How do I pay for things?

No matter what happens next a cost is involved. I am not even making money for the most basic of life expenses, how can I afford a move?

So I am not only dealing with the question of where to live, I am dealing with how to live and facing the fact that I am alone facing it all. 

This really is too much to deal with.
I can't be calm in the midst of all of this. I try to be OK most of the time, but it comes through willful ignorance of the looming situation. It comes through not thinking about how the money is running out, not thinking about my teeth decaying, not thinking about my car needing work, not thinking about how I may have to move in just a few months, not thinking about how exhausted I am, not thinking about the fact that I have yet to make money, not thinking about how I am not functioning properly, not thinking about the pain I feel, not thinking about how I must deal with the physical issues I have, not thinking about my almost $700 a month insurance payment, not thinking about how a move to a different state might affect my situation when it comes to my healthcare.

Some days it is really easy not to think about all of these things. But today is not one of them. Some days it comes right up to me and I have no choice but to swim in the overwhelming tide that washes over me. Some days I feel like it is just not worth it. Some days I really feel like giving up.

I am so tired.

And, this my friends, is what life is like AFTER cancer.