How to Waste Time, Money & Food

Helping me type - of course

Today has been one hell of a day.

Despite the fact that I really need a break, I was doing things. I was doing things because I have to. I have things that need to get done.

On top of that, I decided to make a cake for my friend's birthday. It is something that I should have done with greater ease but I suspect that good ole chemo brain was not helping. I wanted to do half a cake and I wanted to make the icing. I managed to get through the cake. But when I went to make the icing I screwed up more than once and had to toss what I was doing after spending time doing it.

There are times like earlier today that I get really frustrated. This is NOT how things are supposed to go. I have done these things before, and they have worked out well. It is not supposed to be this frustrating and time-consuming and such an incredible waste.

The last thing I needed today was to bake a cake. But I wanted to. I wanted to because ordinarily it is something I enjoy. I wanted to because I wanted to for my friend. He does so much for me. It is the least I feel I can do to acknowledge his day. I don't think the cake came out too well. But I guess I will find out tomorrow when we go to eat it.

In addition, I was trying to do some cleaning. Every time I cleaned something it only got dirty again. You ever notice that? Nothing ever stays clean for a long time. The minute you go to do something else, what you just did gets undone.

There are times I really want to just throw everything out and just forget I had anything. I get really frustrated with the mess and the papers. I get really frustrated by the list of things I need to attend to. My car really needs an oil change. But I haven't done it. I think my friend worries for me. I hope he has nothing to worry about. Hopefully the car will be/is just fine.

I think he needs to worry more for me about me. I don't not get it done because I am off having fun or being lazy. I don't get it done because I can't handle it. It is just one too many things for me to deal with.

I really think people don't realize what I am dealing with and going through. I really think they don't have a clue. They think they do because the things I talk about are life things. Who doesn't need to change the oil in the car, or clean their house, or do their laundry? Someone once told me to "join the club."

The problem is that I can't join the club. Most clubs have people dealing with the same types of things. And while superficially we may deal with the same things, it is not the same. For starters, I am exhausted. It is a tired song. But I am.

I read today in a magazine that addresses cancer issues that a good percentage of people who deal with cancer still feel tired long after treatment - sometimes YEARS. In addition, it talks about the aftermath of treatment, and how it is worse for some. It occurs to me that there is a slight issue with where that article is. Those who are affected by cancer or those who deal with cancer in some way are the ones who read it. Many more need to know these things that haven't been affected by it.

It is exhausting to always have to tell people that I am not able to be as one might expect. I don't want to say it. I don't want to believe it. I don't want to be it. But the fact remains that it is my experience at the moment and it affects my ability to function and my ability to handle all of the things I need to.

My life has one huge backlog at the moment.  So much hasn't been done for so long. On top of that, I am all too aware that I am going to have to move in the next several months and as I was sorting through my clothes and changing out my closet, I was debating about what to do with my winter clothes. Do I put them in boxes? Will I be out of here before the cold comes again? Where will I be? Will I have to make sure they don't get stored away where I can't get to them, even if other things have to wind up in storage?

Where will I wind up? Will I house sit? Will I be able to move with my friend? Will I be able to find a place to rent? (Should I? Given that I am still not making an income, would I be able to find a place and even if I did, might it be a "dangerous" proposition? How am I going to pay the rent?) Will I wind up back in NY?

So many questions. So many webs. So many things that depend on so many other things. So many things I need to sort through. I have a pile of clothes that I need to get rid of. I have a few bags of other things, too. I have a bunch of boxes in my friend's basement that I either pay to move again and perhaps store or I go through and get rid of things. I don't know that I can afford the former, but don't know if I can physically afford the latter.

I have been trying to do at least one thing every day. But it has been very difficult. It is hard enough to keep up with the present without having to deal with my past and future simultaneously.

And then there is the "small" issue of the chemo port. It is still in. They recommend you keep it for at least 6 months. They told me that if all looked fine at the 6 month mark, we could talk about taking it out. What does that mean for activity? I need to find out. The last thing I need right now is to not be able to lift heavy boxes. Although my body isn't thrilled at the idea at the moment any way. There are days I am in so much pain and discomfort.

So why am I writing? Because I have to. I have to because so many thoughts boomerang around my brain. I have to because I need the release. I need the break. I really need a more significant break, but I am not sure when I will get one. I have things that have to get done. I am tempted to give myself several days to recoup and do some version of "nothing," but there is a whole bunch of somethings that need to be addressed or I will have bigger issues.

Sometimes I just want to go ARGGHHH.

I started with hell and I'll finish with Heaven,
if only it will help me. :P