Catastrophizing?

Q: How do you publicly manage a personal crisis?
A: With great difficulty

Catastrophizing. I looked it up. It means making something worse than it is. Someone told me today that that is what she thought I was doing. That I was essentially "What Iffing?" too much.

I think my What ifs are valid. I need to make decisions. There are so many things that hinge off of so many other things. That is what the facts are. At the same time, I also recognize that how I am about this has everything to do with things that are likely to be understood better by my unconscious than my conscious.

This person also pointed out that "what you focus on expands." Maybe. Maybe not. But as I said in a previous blog, there are some reasons I don't like repeating myself. But I have done it, in part, as an attempt to clarify things for those trying to be helpful.

I realize that some of the things I am saying are extreme. I even note them as I am saying them. But dammit. This is one of those occasions being so public isn't so helpful. We all have moments that suck. We all have our darker times - we just often don't walk around sharing them.

Am I making the situation out to be worse than it is? No. It is incredibly complicated. Don't believe it? You try it for yourself, and then come back to me and tell me how easy it is to have any semblance of balance. You tell me how easy it is to "trust" or "be calm and peaceful" and let things "unfold for you." How easy it is to listen to what others think you should do or how you should be. How easy it is to function when overwhelmed, when there is more to deal with than you can possibly handle.

I am where I am. I am allowing myself to be there. I am allowing myself to show you my being there. Is it pretty? I know it's not. I will likely find my way elsewhere at some point. It is not like I have been like this for months and it is not like I am shut down. I am doing my best to work my way through. Sometimes I even wonder if people think me bipolar: one moment talking about my distressed situation, the next about something totally unrelated, the next a new Cedonaah, the next...well, you get my point.

Things like this make me so angry. Instead of trying to alter my mindset, how about some empathy and compassion? At times like this I wonder how much I used to do this type of thing to people and how annoying it might have been for them. When someone is in "it" telling them how wrong they are for it is not going to help. Telling them you can help "fix" them is not going to help, either.

I know it comes from a good place. My kind - knowing - words always did, too.

It was suggested to me at one point that I get therapy for my situation. What good is that going to do? It doesn't change any of the facts of my situation. It doesn't make my choices for me, and doesn't make the ones I ultimately choose any easier. And it doesn't give me any money or energy to do anything with.

I already realize/know that how I look at things can empower or disempower. I "know" all of this "stuff." But the world knows a lot of stuff, and still finds things to be pretty messy at times.

I am "just" sitting in a mess I don't like, and am not sure how to get out of it, and of the options I am aware of, I am not really a fan. Are there options I haven't considered? Quite possibly. Are there perspectives I haven't considered? That is possible, too.

But I am where I am at the moment.

I don't know about you, but I am not sure that another person's unsolicited evaluation of me or how I do things has ever really been helpful.

I am learning so much about how to/how not to treat people.

If you are ever upset/worried/overwhelmed/concerned/fearful, I hope you get what you need and not what someone else thinks you need.

PS Special Note: While this blog is a reaction to a particular comment, it encompasses a greater picture. Not all pieces can be attributed to this particular friend.

How often do we get to know what a person we talk to is really thinking? Not often at all. But due to the nature of this blog and how I am approaching things, it isn't too hard to know what thoughts cross my mind. One reason we likely don't say things to one another is because we fear the repercussions.

But if you are going to write as I do, there is no way to filter. It is part of the reason the blog began anonymously. My experience of life is my experience of life. Maybe I have it wrong (I am sure you occasionally get things wrong, too), but it is where I am at. If you are reading my blog and you think I am off about something, you don't need to be attacking me for it. While it is not the same, it is roughly similar to you coming into my head and attacking me for my thoughts since it is not a conversation I have had directly with you.

If you are going to hold my experience of life against me, or think I am going to in some way offend you, please do not read what I write. I don't like feeling like I have to worry about how I say something when all I am trying to do is get it out and understand it.

I certainly hope you understand. Times like this I am at my most vulnerable, and in some ways it really sucks. I wish I didn't feel like sharing was what I needed to do...but I keep feeling like the things I talk about might be helpful for others.

*HUGE SIGH*

Boy am I being defensive, and I hate it.