Last night I was wired and felt driven to do some things before I went to bed. It turns out today that I think I know why now.Today my friend tells me that his intention to move has been renewed. I don't know what that means for me yet. But is the last thing I need at the moment (even though I knew it was coming).
My paperwork is in disarray. My life is disorganized. I am trying to get my radio show going. I need to go to the dentist. My car needs work. I am trying to network. My insurance has officially gone up to $660 per month. I am charging expenses on a credit card. I have a large amount of credit card debt. And I still am not making any money.
I am having physical issues and need to handle them, but am not getting clear answers or help. It turns out that one of the proposed "solutions" may not be a solution at all, as what was suggested by one may be a problem with my insurance company.
There are times things have worked out (like the $1500 I needed to start the radio show) and I am trying to be OK, and I am - sometimes. But even fully healthy this combination of factors would be a lot to deal with.
There are times I want to scream HELP. How do I get help? I see people getting major help. But they're the ones that have some asking for help on their behalf. They're the children. They're the ones with families and young children. They're the scammers.
This is not to say I haven't gotten help. Thank goodness for the goodness of others who have been willing and wanting to help. Thank goodness for those who have an open mind and are flexible enough to work with me. Thank goodness for the good in my life.
I am grateful.
But my gratitude is not able to pay the bills. My gratitude doesn't give me more energy (or if it does - it's not enough). My gratitude doesn't give me more than one me to attempt to balance the myriad of things I need to deal with.
Recently I was approached by someone who tells me that he can help me get my story out, help me to get my book written and help to promote it. Well. He costs money, too. Another $1500 to be exact. I am wondering if I should try to do an indiegogo.com fundraiser to raise the funds, but then that means yet another project and things to think through. On top of figuring out how and when I can do the writing. I need to spend time finding lovely people and organizations that would sponsor me and my show. I am convinced more than ever that the show might really be my answer.
And I am still challenged by trying to think about things that require me to be logical. Many of the things I need to figure out would have been difficult before, but it is even harder now.
I have tried to tell myself to be calm. I have tried to tell myself that things have a way of working out. I have tried to tell myself that it will be OK. I have tried to tell myself to take one day at a time.
The logic is really good for giving me what amounts to useless advice in times like this. The fact is a part of me is terrified. And as soon as I thought that I thought, "that's silly," and tried to disregard it. But I am. Nothing in my life at the moment is settled. Nothing. Not work. Not a relationship. Not my home life. Not my health. Not my financial situation. Not one thing. I am really trying to think if there is at least ONE thing. I really am. I don't want to be right about this statement.
I would so much rather have a blindspot.
I remember once seeing a list of life's top stressors. Below is from Wikipedia.com. I am not sure it was the list I saw, but it is helpful, none-the-less. It is hard to know if I fit all of the bolded criteria, but the cumulative number is still relatively high. It also says nothing about the end of a significant relationship - unless it is marriage. For me, though, that has to be in there somewhere, too.
| Life event | Life change units |
|---|---|
| Death of a spouse | 100 |
| Divorce | 73 |
| Marital separation | 65 |
| Imprisonment | 63 |
| Death of a close family member | 63 |
| Personal injury or illness | 53 |
| Marriage | 50 |
| Dismissal from work | 47 |
| Marital reconciliation | 45 |
| Retirement | 45 |
| Change in health of family member | 44 |
| Pregnancy | 40 |
| Sexual difficulties | 39 |
| Gain a new family member | 39 |
| Business readjustment | 39 |
| Change in financial state | 38 |
| Death of a close friend | 37 |
| Change to different line of work | 36 |
| Change in frequency of arguments | 35 |
| Major mortgage | 32 |
| Foreclosure of mortgage or loan | 30 |
| Change in responsibilities at work | 29 |
| Child leaving home | 29 |
| Trouble with in-laws | 29 |
| Outstanding personal achievement | 28 |
| Spouse starts or stops work | 26 |
| Begin or end school | 26 |
| Change in living conditions | 25 |
| Revision of personal habits | 24 |
| Trouble with boss | 23 |
| Change in working hours or conditions | 20 |
| Change in residence | 20 |
| Change in schools | 20 |
| Change in recreation | 19 |
| Change in church activities | 19 |
| Change in social activities | 18 |
| Minor mortgage or loan | 17 |
| Change in sleeping habits | 16 |
| Change in number of family reunions | 15 |
| Change in eating habits | 15 |
| Vacation | 13 |
| Christmas | 12 |
| Minor violation of law | 11 |
Score of 300+: At risk of illness.
Score of 150-299: Risk of illness is moderate (reduced by 30% from the above risk).
Score <150 b="">: Only have a slight risk of illness.
This isn't what life is supposed to be like, is it? Charting something like this seems to indicate that there are stressors and there are tendencies in our human experience. The "funny" thing is that is illness and death seem to freeze everything. Nothing else but the moment matters.
Nothing.
How much of life is about something that we create? If I was sitting in an empty house or empty room and lived within walking distance of everything I needed and grew my own food, life would be a lot simpler - provided that I could walk, and provided the food grew.
So it would seem that things happen in life that we don't want to have happen, and I imagine that even the simplest of scenarios aren't so simple when it comes to the "complexity" of human reaction and interaction within the variable framework of life.
I have no idea what life is "supposed" to be like.
But what I do know is that there are times
I wish it was what might be defined as "easier" or "simpler."
How do I unbury myself before I am buried?
Help please. If you can. I will do anything I can for you. This blog will tell you a lot about me and the things I am up to. There has to be some way that I could do something for you. If you want to help but don't know how - but are willing to explore the possibilities - please contact me.
Of course, just plain 'ole money is good, too. :P
You can donate through my GoFundMe.com/rioj8 page or you could send funds to ThankYou at JoLoPe.com (I get to keep more of the money when it comes through Paypal, FYI).
I know it is not easy right now. I know the last thing you want is to hear another person's difficulties and challenges. I know you probably want to keep your money. I don't blame you. You work hard for it. You may have issues of your own.
Well. The last thing I want to do is ask.
But I need help. It would be awesome if I could have peace of mind around at least one part of my life, and you might be able to help. If you have a willingness to help, I would think there has to be a way. Even $1.00 is helpful. If every view of this blog netted me a $1.00, I would have over $12,500.
It's not like I want the money for a vacation (Although I could certainly use one. I can't even tell you the last time I had one). It's not like I want to splurge on something extravagant. I just want to be able to survive. Can you please help me do that so that I can do the things that I can to help others, and maybe even you?
It is difficult to swim when I am spending my energy on trying not to drown.
Thank you for doing whatever you can.
No comments:
Post a Comment