Life's Curve Balls (or how to go from having one show airing to three in the space of 5 minutes)

So yesterday I get a call from Dean K. Piper, the owner of The Intertainment Network. It is about 3-4 hours before my 5:00 showtime. The time I have been advertising for quite some time. The time that I was told would be MY time.

Well.
Not. so. fast.

Apparently, despite repeated confirmations, something wasn't right. The time he told me was available on W4CY.com wasn't. OOPS.

I suppose I could have been angry. upset. disappointed. But I wasn't any of it. I was more in the realm of overwhelmed. Now what?

Dean said he would make it up to me. As a result we came to an agreement. My show would AIR LIVE on W4CY.com at 4:00 PM Eastern on Mondays, instead of 5:00, PLUS he now agrees to REPLAY the show on two other of his stations: W4WN.com, at 1:00 PM Saturday (#1 Ranked Women's Internet Radio Station in the world) and W4CS.com at 9:00 PM Friday (The Cancer Support Network which is the only all cancer radio, research and resource center).

The changes now mean 3 times the exposure for guest. 3 times the exposure for advertisers. It now means that I will reach those who are dealing with cancer - without having to have a show that is specific to the topic. It now means a lot of things I think are pretty awesome and - it came from a screw up.

So many times we get so upset when things don't go the way we want them to. So many times. I don't know if I am just tired or more aware, or what. Maybe I am a combination of things. But I have learned an awful lot in the last year without even trying.

Last night I dreamt that I was in college. I dreamt that I was missing classes, and I wanted to leave before the semester ended. A part of me thought, "what's the point?" It seemed inevitable that I would fail. Many of the things that were to happen, projects and tests I wouldn't be ready for and they would be a major part of the grade. But before I actually did leave, I decided that because I was so close I should stay. Who knew what could happen? I figured I really had nothing to lose.

Much of life we don't know what can happen. Much of life throws us curves that can have us wanting to abandon ship. Maybe sometimes it is the right thing to do. But I suspect there are just as many times it makes sense for us to just duck and hope that the curve ball hits in just the right place - giving us something (hopefully a good something) we never expected.

My life has been one thing after another this past year. It seems like it is that way more than it ever was. Whether or not that has been the case, I am not sure. But what I am sure of is the fact that how I am interacting with it is nothing like it used to be. I am much more in the moment, and a lot less willing and able to hold on to the things that don't go the way they are "supposed" to go - at least according to what I have decided should be.

I have to tell you, it is an amazing feeling. It sucks to have to backtrack on some things. It sucks not being able to live up to something I say. We have a culture that tells us being our word is everything. Our culture makes us crazy living up to the arbitrary standards that we have created.

It is amazing how a little thing like cancer can give one some big perspective.

I still have to live among those of you who haven't yet had this realization, and that will be the trick. The best I can say is that I will do my best. It really is all any of us can offer, but somehow we have come to expect that human beings and their choices can be greater and stronger than any twisted turn that shows up.

We can expect all we want. And we are also likely to be disappointed - as long as we believe in the illusion that we actually control our environment and situation. We don't control anything, but if we did, the only thing we truly would have any control over would come in THIS moment. And maybe, just maybe, that is where we harness our greatest selves and power. Maybe if we could loosen things up a bit and recognize these things, we could stop judging each other for our oops moments and stop driving ourselves crazy in the pursuit of what we deem perfect (and it is deem, as what is really perfect, after all?)

So many seem to be amazed at what I have been doing. I, quite frankly, don't know how else things could be. Having said that, it seems to me that this "great power" I seem to have has come from being in the moments as they come. Some suckier than others. Some more of a blur than others. Some more wonder-filled than others. Some tear-filled. Some terrified. Some sleepy. Some confused. Some creative. Some a black hole.

All acknowledged for what they are.

cancer sucks.

It has sucked a lot of life out of me in many ways these past several months. But in between the suckfests has been great growth and an awareness in a way I never before realized. There have been many words I have heard over the years with sayings that sound good, but there is nothing like living a life that truly embues those words with their meaning.

Maybe my words mean something to you. Maybe they sound good. But I promise you that as good as they may sound, if you don't truly know them in the core of who you are, you ain't seen nuthin' yet.

As for the curve balls, even if they are bringing me some really great things, I wouldn't mind if they took a break and wanted to stop for a bit.