Having Doubts

Where did they come from?

It was like I was speeding toward a destination, and then...
suddenly...screech...the brakes were applied. I am still
moving, but I feel like I am skidding. Moving, without
much feeling of control.

I have been feeling numbish. I am guessing everything
just caught up with me. In the last few days I did a couple
of things that needed to be done - for a while. Neither of
which I knew what I would do, or when. I just knew
something would need to be done, some time.

I was feeling fairly good. Doing what I did was like a
weight was lifted.

But...

I am feeling overwhelmed. It is only a matter of time
before I am going to have to move. There is so much to
sort through and organize. There is so much I need to just
get rid of, let go of. I don't know where I am going. I
haven't a freakin' clue.

I think the uncertainty of it all is getting to me. I am
trying to deal with too many things. Every day I try to
do something. But it is so hard. I am so tired.

I have a Pet scan coming up, too. That is stressful for
a few reasons, one of which is the cost that comes along
with it.

I have decided to put Melaleuca on hold. I just can't do
it. I have to invest too much of something I do not have.

I am putting a lot of work into the radio show again, and
that is taking a toll, too. I want to believe that it will pay
off, but it is a lot of work right now with no real financial
return. I am trying to get my head together so I can figure
out things around the financial aspects, but I am just so
not there at the moment.

But I need to be.

But I am not.

Thus. Pressure.

I feel really emotional at the moment. I am not sure why
this moment. I am not sure if it is something specific, or
just the totality of everything.

On top of it all, all I want to do is eat. I have a crazy
appetite. I don't know what that is about. Maybe it is
just my way of trying to cope with the stress. Many times
in my life I have been a stress eater. Maybe the difference
right now is that I am doing my best not to give in, or try
to at least eat veggies.

I have gained back about twenty pounds of what I lost.
I am not sure when it happened, but I am not happy about it.
It is a good thing I didn't chuck all of my clothes twenty
pounds ago.

I am thinking I need to get back to walking every day.
I was doing that for a while and it really seemed to help,
and I really enjoyed it, too. I am also thinking I need to
be more active. I have been using a workout, stretchy
tool and I don't know if it helps, or not...but I like the
way it makes my body feel.

I have also been wondering about changing my diet.
I don't think it has been too bad. However I am back to
eating things with gluten on a regular basis. I am also
eating dairy more than I was. When I lost ten pounds in
a month pre-diagnosis, I wasn't eating gluten and I wasn't
eating dairy. I had a very strict diet of veggies and meat.
And I was walking.

I felt pretty good and my skin was clear. It was pretty
incredible.

I have thought about this more than once, but then I
haven't done it. I am not sure why. I think my incentive
back then was the discomfort I was having when eating.
I kinda - in some ways - felt like i did not have a choice.

Maybe I have too many other things now that are taking
my energies to refocus eating, too. Maybe it's just an
excuse. But I don't think so.

The other day someone was making it seem like I was
making an excuse about not doing something. I was honest
about how I felt: I have a lot going on, and limited energy
and ability to do things. I am extremely overwhelmed.
I am not sure about taking on something else. I don't
know that I can at the moment.

I don't think they got it. Probably sounded like what so
many others might say not to do something. But my
guess is that they don't have the tiredness that lingering
chemo leaves you with. My guess is that they have a
job, and come home and then have something of a life.
My guess is that they may have things that they could
trade in order to get something else done that they say
they want - if they were willing to make it happen.

I don't know that I have anything to trade. Someone
looking at my life might say I do. But they are not me.
And lately I have had more than one person try to tell
me that I am not doing things right.

I don't need to hear that right now.

I really don't.

I know they want to be helpful. But it is NOT.

Imagine you are hanging by a thread. Is it really going
to be helpful for someone to come along and SPECULATE
what might be an alternative for you. SPECULATE,
because no one REALLY knows.

I am feeling very alone again. I am feeling like I am
going against the damn tides. I have asked those who are
on my show to please donate if they think that what I am
doing to support them is valuable to them. We will see
what happens. If I don't get contributions and I don't
get advertisers, then this is just not going to work out
very well. It costs money to be on the station where I am,
and more importantly, I need to make a living, pay bills,
and find a place to have a roof over my head.

It is interesting, too, for me to see how some act in
regard to my radio show. Many, it seems, think they are
doing me a favor by being on there. I am not sure how I
feel about that. It is not what I want to create.

I want to create an environment in which we are like
partners, doing something mutually beneficial. I don't
want it to be where one feels superior, or in some way
having an advantage over the other. I want someone
who seeks a field on which to play. I am not looking
for someone to dominate or be dominated by. I want
to enjoy what I do, and I want those who come on the
show to enjoy their time with me. I never want it to
have a sterile, business transaction feel. I want someone
to take ownership for their interview and not feel like
they are just coming along for a ride.

When I have been on other people's shows, I have made
sure that I promote my appearance. They never asked me
to, but it just seemed to make sense to me. The thing is,
though, I know many don't do it. I am not sure why it
doesn't make sense to them.

I want to feel a level of comfort with a person who is on
the show. I could just do cold types of visits, but I think
it is better if I have a sense of the person ahead of time.
I don't really know how best to convey all of this. Plus,
in the world we live in, who really has time to really
CONNECT, any way? It is a mad dash from one thing
to the next.

Interestingly, when Ken Newman told me about Dan
Pavlik, Dan and I got on the phone together. We talked.
We got to know each other, and we connected. I liked
Dan. I liked the way he thought and the way he operated.
As a result, I spent a lot of time doing things to support
his endeavor which was, Nominated, an independent
feature film.

I spent hours talking to him and his actors. I spent hours
recording video and audio and then editing them. I spent
hours doing what I could to help promote the film,
including helping with the blog he was keeping.

I was invested because we were connected. It is the way
I am. I will do whatever I can for someone if I feel
invested in them, and what they do.

I wish I knew why I felt like it was so important to be
connected and invested. I wish I knew why, because
every so often I am discouraged when others do not see
things MY way.

This is not to say MY way is the right or best way,
but rather that it is the way that I have always been,
and I don't really know how to be any other way. I
would like to say it is a good thing. I really would.
But I am really not sure. It is rare that I find someone
who sees things as I do.

If others saw things as I do, there would be more others
sharing about me and my predicament and the things
that I am offering and do. And they would be doing it
more consistently. I have invested great energy in trying
to help strangers on occasion when there has been a need.

I want to be clear that there ARE those who are doing
what they can to help, and that they are doing it how
they think they best can. I am clear about that. But there
are times that I really feel like I am drowning, and I am
not sure if it is enough.

I have been writing for a long time. I highly doubt this
whole blog will be read by many. Attention spans aren't
that long these days, plus, I don't know how much value
my predicament and concerns have to others.

That's fine, though. I am not really writing for anyone
but myself. I really felt I needed to purge tonight. There
have been so many things stewing. Interestingly, I am
very tired now, and my eyes are wanting to close.

I suppose I should try to get some rest before having to
get up and do a whole bunch of things tomorrow. There
are things I have scheduled for the week, and I don't know
if I will make some of them. I could potentially force it,
but that, I think, would be a problem. I am not sure it
is right to force something I am not sure I am ready for.

The only question then becomes when will I be ready?
And the only answer I have at the moment is...I don't
have a freakin' bloody clue.

Oh, by the way, I usually try to at least re-read a blog once
before reposting. I won't be doing that with this one. So
if it is a mess, it stands.

The other day I was reading about what makes an effective
blog. There were different facets to make it "successful."
"Funny" thing is, I don't want to do anything with this
blog other than what I have been doing. I suppose I could
do more to call more attention and that would be a great
thing. But this is not a business blog. My life is not a
business and I think it would be a mistake for me to treat
it as one.

At the same time, I really do have to figure out how I can
get to the point where I am earning a living. Where is the
balance? "People" try to tell me that I will only be
successful if I do things a certain way. I don't know that
I believe them.

It puts me in a league of my own, or of at least very few.
At times like that it is easy to wonder if I am out leading
the pack, or if I am going in the wrong direction. Part of
the problem - if it is the wrong direction - is that I am only
going the way that I am, because it feels right.

I have to hope and pray I am right. I have to hope and pray
that someone comes along, reads this, believes in me, and
acts on it in some way that is not only beneficial to me,
but is also beneficial to those who seem to think I make
a difference in this world.

Apparently (at least according to some) I have no unique
story to tell. Apparently no one would be interested in what
I have to say because I am "just" another person telling their
story. I am "just" another person who was dealt cancer.

I am not sure I believe that. At the same time, it is scary
to consider spending time and energy to write a book to
tell that story and then to have it go no where. That is, if I
am doing it to make money.

I really don't know what I think of the preset answers that
some will insist are right. At the same time, I have to
wonder what it might be wise to listen to. It would seem
I am missing something.

But...

It is also possible I just haven't gotten to where I need to
be just yet. I really hope I figure it out soon. Whatever "it" is.

I suppose I can be reassured to know that I have already
made a difference in this world. I suppose that knowing I
made a difference for some in some ways is good enough.

But...

As good as that might be, I can't imagine that I am meant
to suffer and/or drown in the midst of all that I have to offer.
If I do, is it my "fault," or is it a part of some greater thing
I don't have all the understanding for? All too often I think
we view seeming lacks as a negative. But the thing is maybe
it is only seeming and maybe it will ultimately create a
positive. But in the midst of the seeming mess, it is very
difficult to have clarity about any potential positives.

On top of everything else, I am having a few issues I haven't
spoken about. But I don't want to go there now. As it was, I
had intended to end this paragraphs ago.

I will just conclude this novella for the moment, hoping that
I have significantly dumped what I needed to before heading
off to bed. One last thing I will mention is that earlier I saw
1010 and 2211. It is interesting to note that the meanings of
these numbers in some way seem to be telling me that good
things are afoot.

In the midst of the mess that my world and mind are at the
moment it is certainly a welcome thought. I just hope it is
a correct one.

Good night.