Of course, there are a whole range of reactions people might have, and yours may be one of concern for me. It may also be that you just stumbled into it, or that a key word you were searching that really had nothing to do with the topic brought you here. (I have found a few people have wound up here exactly that way. So wonder what their reaction was, LOL).
I was trying to do something in relation to my site when I HAD to take a break. That is how I wound up here. I needed to release some steam. I can't tell if what I am dealing with is stress, chemo, something I haven't identified - or all of the above.
Pre-chemo things like what I was trying to do might also be difficult. There would be times I would just give up - sometimes not long after I began - because it was just too much over my head. There was someone who would sometimes help me with web stuff, and when that would happen I might ask him to "just do it" for me. Sometimes it worked. Other times not so much. There would be times I would have to just hack something together myself, or just not do it.
The way I feel right now, I just want to say FUCK IT.
It is a reaction to my situation, and certainly not an empowering one.
But it is a very real one. I am dealing with just way too much.
But I can't fuck it. I can't give up. I can't stop. I have to keep going. Not because I want to, necessarily, but because my survival depends on it. I would imagine that could be a good and bad thing. Bad in that I feel a lot of stress to keep moving - even when I don't want to. Good in that I have to keep moving - even when I don't want to.
All of these things that I have been questioning, all of these ideas I have...they may sound good. But in the midst of all of the stuff I have to deal with, there are no easy solutions. People tell me to take a break. I want to. I really do. But I don't know what that is. I try to do "mini" breaks, and they feel good, but I need more. I haven't had a real vacation in like forever. Well, not quite, but it might as well have been.
Not that that is the answer, really.
It bothers me, too, that I feel lacking. I don't feel like I am myself. I am not your "average" person trying to do the things I am. I could try to pretend that I am, but when I do, I seem to pay the price when I can't do anything for a few days. I am doing all I can to be all that I can, and it just doesn't feel like it is enough.
I am constantly having to explain to others how things are for me because their assumptions would have them think inaccurate thoughts about the most basic and simple things. Someone doing something as simple as asking me to call them sometimes just isn't a good idea.
It is difficult to explain how I am, and how I feel. So much seems to fall through the cracks. So much isn't done nearly as well as I would like it to be. I worried a bit about getting back into the "professional" world because of that. People expect "professionalism," which often seems to equate to perfectionism, or something a close second.
I want to write a book. I know it is in me, and I know it will come. Will it be now? I don't know. But the wheels might have turned a bit yesterday after meeting Ken from The Umbrella Syndicate. Maybe one step has been taken. I know it is the first of many more. And maybe it will happen on its own schedule, just like so many other things I have been doing. At the same time, I feel a bit of pressure now about it - and it is not the helpful, encouraging, driving type.
I just barely got my radio show up and running, and there are still things to do. There is only one me, and I am having a hard enough time dealing with one major thing - much less adding another thing. Plus there is the "small" issue of having to pay him. That makes it another thing, as I need to raise the funds to make it happen. And that could be another project unto itself if I Indiegogo it.
Some people say they want to do things - but never do. Some people make excuses as to why they can't or won't do something. I have been one of the some on many occasions. But this is different. This is not that.
I think we might want to be careful when dealing with people and what we think we know. There are times I want to grab people and tell them what I know about how abrupt life can be. I want to tell them to get moving. At the same time, sometimes where we are and what we do is absolutely perfect for where we will one day be.
With that said, I am where I am. And it sucks at times. But it is where I am. I am doing the best I can with what I have got. For some it won't be enough. For others it might seem like I am doing a lot. As for me, I need to find some peace around the situation I now find myself in, because a lot or a little, it's all I got.
I feel a bit better now.
*Whew*
Thanks for listening.
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