But the thing is, or so I have been told, even people who pay attention need to hear things more than once, more than twice, sometimes many times. In going with that idea plus the fact that people miss much of what I say it seems that I might have to be repeating myself more than I want to. The irony is then that some will tell me be careful what I say, as I will create a reality by doing that.
I have no idea if I have that much power. At the same time, I am not a big fan of repeating myself, especially when it is the less than pleasant stuff. But sometimes my situation makes it necessary. At this point the repetition is about my impending moving situation.
Some people have very sweetly and generously offered help. They have offered to help me move and to help me find a place to live. The problem is that I have yet to earn money to pay for a place to live, and I am not sure where I will be living, which means that there is no place to move anything. Not just yet, any way. And I have to wonder if I am going to have to get rid of a lot of things, too.
There are so many issues. It is overwhelming and puts me in tears at times.
I was thinking today about how "A" thought he was doing me a favor by sticking things out until I was out of the woods. But if he really wanted to do me a favor, he would have stuck around afterward. As challenging as treatment was, I had a pretty simple life. Get up, eat, go to bed, wake up, get up, try to do something, maybe - likely do nothing - go to sleep, get up, go for treatment and just repeat for months.
Since treatment ended it has been an endless amount of work and networking and phone calls and creativity and trying to raise funds and trying to deal with an endless amount of concerns that someone who isn't dealing with cancer needs to deal with.
The problem is - I am still dealing with cancer, but just not in an obvious way. The last year has taken a big toll on me. Even if I wanted to just pick up and move somewhere, it doesn't mean I could go anywhere I wanted to, even if my situation picked up. In our world, we are judged sometimes unfairly by what people think they know about us. Quite frankly, though, I am scared sh*tless to go get a lease for a year. What if something happens again? And where do I go? If I am somewhere by myself I might be screwed. Having my friend around has been helpful in the smallest of ways, but small is impactful when you are impacted.
When we take things for granted, it isn't always easy to see what someone else is going through. It is a bit odd to consider that moving is a thing we take so much for granted. You gotta move? You find a place and you move. Inherent in that idea, though, is that you have money not only for the place you move to (rent/security/deposit), but that you have money for the necessary cost of moving. And if not the money for the move, have a "wealth" of willing friends to help. Not to mention, you are physically capable of packing and moving boxes.
I am grateful for what people are willing and able to do. But the thing is what I really need hasn't been offered. I need a free place to stay and/or I need a significant cash influx so that I don't have to worry about the cost of renting either for myself and/or for my "stuff."
And to anyone who might think, "Oh it's just stuff. What's the big deal? Get rid of it," while it might sound simple it isn't as simple as all that. I wish it was. And while I could get rid of a lot of it, there are things I can't get rid of for various reasons. Quite frankly there are times I think about what if I knew I was going to die in the next year. I think about how there isn't much of anything that I would need, in the least. In some ways that could be an empowering thought, but there are times it doesn't come off that way. I want to do whatever I do because I choose it, not because life is squeezing me.
It also feels to me a bit like giving up.
Last night I wrote the following on Facebook:
ok...I am gonna think on the wild side...I am wishing for someone who is capable of helping me financially in a big way to show up, hear my story, see potential and want to help. And most importantly, DOES help. Helps me out of the hole I am in and helps me to be where I need to be to really make the kind of difference I know I can in the world of others. Whoever you are, please show up soon. Pretty please. Some days I really feel like I am drowning. I am giving everything I got..and alot of what I don't got.
I really want to believe that somehow, some way this will work out. But things aren't going well. I am really close to the cliff. I have been getting closer for months. I feel like I have been saying for months how bad my situation is, but I have to wonder if anyone believes me. After all, I am busy, I am productive, I am finding ways to do things. It may make it seem like everything really is just fine. But I rarely talk about the undercurrent of issues that I am worried about. I rarely talk about the bigger picture. People see the pieces and parts and must think I am just fine.
The fact is I am scared sh*tless.
This is no freaking way to live. There are times what I am scared about the most is that I will give up if not consciously, unconsciously. And if that happens, I will likely be out of here. I don't like talking about this, or like this, but it is real.
I am exhausted physically, emotionally, mentally.
What I need most is to get my business running. I need to make money. I don't want government money. I don't want handouts. What I want is to do what I know I can. What I want is to be able to do what I have always done, but be able to make a living doing it. I know I can. Well. At least I think I can and I say this because I really would have thought something would have clicked by now. There is so much good that has come my way, I don't want to throw it all away. Maybe it is the platform on which future good will be built.
I just wish I knew if I am missing something, and if so what the heck it is.
No comments:
Post a Comment