Wednesday, July 10, 2013

I Needed to Write

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So all I wanted to do was go to bed. But something kept telling me to write, write, write. About what? I didn't have a clue. But the feeling just gnawed at me. Quite frankly at the moment I am annoyed, and on edge. I really need to sleep. I slept horribly last night (as you may already know), and today was a long freaking day.

Tomorrow will be busy, too, and the next day and the next and the next and the next...Monday will probably be pretty hectic, too. Somewhere in the middle of all of this I have to manage to maintain some sense of sanity and hope that my energy holds up.

I have to admit I feel really out of sorts. Packing things is bad enough, but when you don't know how long you will be somewhere, and you don't know what you're doing after you leave there, and you are tying to rid yourself of things and sort through memories and live in the present it is not fun.

I think I heard once that the things we need to do fill up the space we have to do them in. I am getting down to the wire of what I have to do, and will likely finish just as it has to be done. Amazing how that works. But not surprising. I could have been done a long time ago if I had worked non-stop and if I had been willing to live packed for a time.

Why did I have a need to write tonight?

I was thinking of sharing a letter I wrote to someone that I found earlier today. It is beautiful and in it I am vulnerable. Something tells me to share it at some point. Perhaps I will. I am not sure why anyone would be interested, but that goes for a lot of what I share here. I sometimes wonder what people think of what I write. I suspect that I only share what most never would. Does the sharing publicly bring a certain type of judgment? My guess is yes, at least from some.

But this is about no one but me. I don't write for a single other soul. At the same time, I feel it is important that I share with other souls my experience and knowledge and awareness at this point. So in the midst of "me," are things that are undoubtedly for other people.

I feel a bit lost and confused and disoriented and overwhelmed. There is entirely too much going on and I feel like I have no center. How do we have a center? It would seem that we often use external clues to give us that core, to give us that balance. How many truly can say they have it within themselves at all times, wherever they are, and in all circumstances? I am guessing very few.

Maybe that is partly why I have been attached to certain things over the years. Maybe it gives me a core sense of myself in some way. There are some things I have had for a very long time that survived boarding school and college and have made all the many moves I have made over the years. I have moved on the average every 4 years or so for a long time. In some ways they may have been more me than I even know myself to be.

Who am I? Who am I really? At the core? Do I even really know?  So often I find myself reacting to things rather than just being who I am and know myself to be. My eyes so want to close right now. Am I confronted by these thoughts? Or am I just really tired? Maybe it is a combination of both. Who the heck knows? I certainly don't. On top of it all, I am HUNGRY. It is after midnight, and I am hungry. That so is not right.

You should see me. I am laying in bed, computer on lap, hands on keyboard, and at times, typing and at times hands still, eyes closed. Bet I could easily fall asleep this way. Would so not be a good thing - especially for the computer.

Well. I have done what something told me to do. I hope I can go to sleep now and get a much better rest tonight. Interestingly, I heard a few people did not sleep well last night, either. I wonder if something's up.

Later gators.

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  1. Not sleeping well can change your outlook on your life. So if you're feeling disconnected with your life that may be part of it. I find, too, siting down with a notebook and writing down what I need or want to change in my life then make some plans. Even little steps to evaluate what is bothering you can lift that "FOG" we sometimes find we are living in. Thanks for sharing.

  2. I think its so important and rewarding to write down our thoughts and express them when the spirit moves us even if we don't know "why" we are doing doing it.

    Writing our thoughts and feelings down on paper not only enables us to begin to release our emotions, it also allows us to process the situation so that perhaps we may gain objectivity and/or a new perspective. Plus, when we do this regularly in the form of a journal, blog or diary it makes a fascinating read many years later.

  3. Here I am at your blog again. I'm meant to read it often it seems. I didn't sleep well either, if that's any consolation.
    I meditate a little before turning out the light. Or read a book. That's more soothing than the computer. Good luck with the packing. Keep your spirits up. I read a fabulous tweet today. It said - success is not final, failure is not fatal. It is the courage to continue that counts.

  4. It was interesting last night. I had no problems sleeping once I lay my head down. But it was like I couldn't allow myself to do that - until I wrote, first. I have learned to listen the last several years to the things that call me, and even more so in the last year. I would often like to understand why things are as they are, but the chances of that are probably slim to none, LOL. Gena, I have found my past writings to be a mixed bag. But because it is mixed, there certainly are some goodies in there. Thanks for your thoughts Katharine. Maybe there is something to what you say. Kalpana, you are welcome here any time. :) I also can't help to wonder if there is something in the world at large that is up, it really seems many have not been sleeping so great lately.

    Thanks for visiting/commenting. :)

  5. Elizabeth, you are always authentic - even when searching for your center. Thank you for sharing your joys and challenges. Although you write "only for you" your story blesses many others. I pray that you find mental, physical, and emotional healing. Best wishes for a good night's sleeo?