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Tomorrow will be busy, too, and the next day and the next and the next and the next...Monday will probably be pretty hectic, too. Somewhere in the middle of all of this I have to manage to maintain some sense of sanity and hope that my energy holds up.
I have to admit I feel really out of sorts. Packing things is bad enough, but when you don't know how long you will be somewhere, and you don't know what you're doing after you leave there, and you are tying to rid yourself of things and sort through memories and live in the present it is not fun.
I think I heard once that the things we need to do fill up the space we have to do them in. I am getting down to the wire of what I have to do, and will likely finish just as it has to be done. Amazing how that works. But not surprising. I could have been done a long time ago if I had worked non-stop and if I had been willing to live packed for a time.
Why did I have a need to write tonight?
I was thinking of sharing a letter I wrote to someone that I found earlier today. It is beautiful and in it I am vulnerable. Something tells me to share it at some point. Perhaps I will. I am not sure why anyone would be interested, but that goes for a lot of what I share here. I sometimes wonder what people think of what I write. I suspect that I only share what most never would. Does the sharing publicly bring a certain type of judgment? My guess is yes, at least from some.
But this is about no one but me. I don't write for a single other soul. At the same time, I feel it is important that I share with other souls my experience and knowledge and awareness at this point. So in the midst of "me," are things that are undoubtedly for other people.
I feel a bit lost and confused and disoriented and overwhelmed. There is entirely too much going on and I feel like I have no center. How do we have a center? It would seem that we often use external clues to give us that core, to give us that balance. How many truly can say they have it within themselves at all times, wherever they are, and in all circumstances? I am guessing very few.
Maybe that is partly why I have been attached to certain things over the years. Maybe it gives me a core sense of myself in some way. There are some things I have had for a very long time that survived boarding school and college and have made all the many moves I have made over the years. I have moved on the average every 4 years or so for a long time. In some ways they may have been more me than I even know myself to be.
Who am I? Who am I really? At the core? Do I even really know? So often I find myself reacting to things rather than just being who I am and know myself to be. My eyes so want to close right now. Am I confronted by these thoughts? Or am I just really tired? Maybe it is a combination of both. Who the heck knows? I certainly don't. On top of it all, I am HUNGRY. It is after midnight, and I am hungry. That so is not right.
You should see me. I am laying in bed, computer on lap, hands on keyboard, and at times, typing and at times hands still, eyes closed. Bet I could easily fall asleep this way. Would so not be a good thing - especially for the computer.
Well. I have done what something told me to do. I hope I can go to sleep now and get a much better rest tonight. Interestingly, I heard a few people did not sleep well last night, either. I wonder if something's up.
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