Tossed & Turned

I tossed and turned last night. I kept waking up. I woke up this morning feeling horrible, and anything but rested. I have so much going on right now, and I guess it is adding up.I have been thinking a lot about how much people want positive.

I was watching an artist talk about his young son and his music. His 3-year old son had no interest in the music that wasn't the kind that was positive and up, telling his father to change it to something else whenever he heard something he didn't like because it was sad.

I recently watched as Talia Castellano received so much support as she seemed she might be knocking on heaven's door. She is a beautiful girl. Besides that, she doesn't really ever talk about the "downside" to cancer. I have seen her more than once say she doesn't want to talk about it. I don't know that she has ever cried in a video. I have no idea if I am wrong, however, if I see things the way I do, perhaps others do. It seems that while she may talk about it, she rarely, if ever, shows the other side. People know it exists, but she never seems to really show that side of things, always seeming to be so positive. And she has people everywhere aware of her and supporting her.

I heard Dustin Hoffman talking in an interview about how many musicians are ignored once they get older. When he was working on Quartet, he said many of them seemed very grateful to be a part of it, and to "get the call."

I am not sure where I am going with this, however it would seem that there is some commonality, perhaps between what happens with a senior citizen and someone who is ill. Maybe it has very little to do with what the person is going through and more to do with how the person who interacts with them feels about the interaction. If a person feels "good" about someone who is ill, maybe they will help them and interact with them. If the person makes them feel badly or sad, then maybe not so much.

I don't really know. I don't know that there are any real answers, but that has never stopped me from looking for them.

I wish I could say that being all positive was what was "the" thing to do. But the thing is, I am not so sure. So many people are having issues when it comes to having cancer, and many people just don't have a clue about what goes on. They don't have a clue until it comes visiting them. And then it often likely is a pretty stark reality. So much isn't known before it needs to be known because it isn't talked about.

A part of me didn't want to know what to "expect" when I was going through treatment. I did not want to find myself expecting certain things. If I didn't know something, then maybe I wouldn't have a certain experience or reaction. The problem was, though, without some idea, things that needed attention could be ignored because I would not know that it was something to be concerned about. And then there was the unnecessary trip to the ER because there was unnecessary concern. Although had it been something, it would have been a clot, and that wouldn't have been a good thing. It is something that could have had me dead thing.

So where does the line between realities get drawn? Is a line supposed to be drawn?

I feel like in many ways much of what I am going through has to do with the fact that I am alone dealing with it. Those who have a close group of family and friends and those who have jobs and benefits could likely have a very different experience. In a case like Talia's, she is also a child, so she doesn't have the same kinds of living concerns an adult like me would have.

If I didn't speak up about my concerns, I wouldn't have gotten the help that I have gotten to date. If I had been silent, my need would have been even more desperate than it is.

There is such an array of life experiences in all aspects of life. We can not all possibly be in and appreciate and understand and know all of them and their unique characteristics. But what we can know is the core of what makes them tick inside of us. We can know the human side to it. We can identify with the feelings and the emotions, and we can use that identification to either help or as an excuse to turn away.

I suspect we know what others feel so that we can be kinder to another. But if we reject a person and/or their circumstance because we fear it or are uncomfortable with it, the opposite will happen. I don't think it is malicious or intentional. Most likely it is just an unconscious reaction.

I don't always like the way I feel, either. But it is the way I feel at the moment I am feeling it. Recently I did a 10-15 minute video in which I sobbed. At the end I actually felt better. Did anyone need to see me that way? Who knows? The thing is that I did it, so I am guessing that it might be helpful for someone at some point. Maybe it will be for someone who is going through their own stuff and thinks that they're alone in their devastation. Maybe it will have just have been for me. Maybe the fact that I can bare my soul like that gives me a level of freedom I never before had, and maybe it doesn't matter if anyone else watches it ever.

As I type, I am laying in bed. I don't want to move. It has taken so much to move the little I have today. But I have to. I have a lot of work I need to finish in the next couple of days. I keep thinking, "if I can get to this..." "if I can get to that..." "if I can make it to..." I keep thinking that at some point I will find some reprieve. At some point I can take it easy and take care of myself. I am not sure that is going to ever happen.

On the other side of the weekend are other issues to deal with. And 3 months from now is not that far away and other things to deal with. I guess that the "good" part is the fact that I am even here to have this experience. And while that would be a really positive - and upbeat - way to end this, I can't just leave it there.

I could. Sure. But the thing is, what is the QUALITY of my being here? I don't want to just be here for the sake of being here. In my head are concerns. In my head are fears. In my head I don't know how I am going to make it financially and what that means for my health insurance, and ultimately my health. Sure I could say it doesn't really matter what I think - what is, is and proceed to put it aside. But there has to be a balance so that the idea of living in the moment doesn't somehow create problems for the future yet to come.

This week I will be getting new blood work. Fingers crossed I don't have bigger issues to deal with.

My eyes just want to close.
I think I may have to go
back to sleep for a bit.

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