Tuesday, July 30, 2013

In Sucksville, Processing

This flower looks much more cheery that I feel. I feel lately like I am on such a roller coaster ride. I had heard recently how many who are empathic are picking up a lot of the energies that are floating around out there, and I find myself wondering how much of what I feel is personal, and how much of it is the "other" stuff, and how much of the other stuff may make the personal feel a whole heck of a lot worse than it is - although it does pretty much suck on its own.

I have been reading Ayngel's book (Sister, Survivor), and in it she plans to talk about me as a "survivor." I asked her today how that fits someone who may not survive. I kinda wondered if I would give a twist to things that I wouldn't intend. She says that a "survivor" just keeps going. A "survivor" keeps trying to find ways to make things work. A "survivor" never gives up. A "survivor" always remembers that s/he is a "survivor."

Ayngel sometimes gets worried about me, given I don't sound so much "survivory" as I once did. I am disheartened at times, to be sure. This journey that I am on has beaten me down. I really, truly don't know what to do any more. I was telling her today that what I really need is someone who knows what they're doing to take pity on me, and help me. My concern is that I would seem "just" like anyone else who needs money, why would they help *me*?

I would like to think that there are lots of reasons to help me. Not only is my heart in the best place, but I am in a good position to really help others, if I could only get help myself. Even if I can't truly work, I have been told that my telling my story has been helpful. It will be hard to continue to do the things I have been doing if things keep going in the direction they've been going.

I am really afraid that my world is shrinking. I am really afraid that if I have to go up to my mom's that it will not be a good thing - in any way. I know that others feel otherwise, but they are not me, and can't possibly truly understand what it is to be me. Plus, my guess is that because it is an option, some might even be "relieved" for me - which is really some relief for them. "She's OK, if she's with her mother." It would be some form of denial, really. Am I truly OK because someone thinks I am? I don't think so.

It's not that I am ungrateful. It's just that so much is headed in a direction that scares the sh*t out of me. Having to sell my things bothers me. Having no other choice bothers me. I thought earlier about how I would like to be at peace with things, surrender to things, but I feel in a way like if I surrender, then I am giving up. I know consciously it is not the same thing, but it doesn't matter. It really bothers me. It bothers me to see others making plans and moving forward and having the ability to do it. I am happy for them. I truly am. It is just that it puts the extent of my unfortunate circumstance that I can't seem to do anything about in my face. It makes me stare at it over and over and over.

I wish I had someone in my life to be there with me, side-by-side. I wish I had someone I could lean on and lean toward. I wish I had someone I could curl up with, and the world could just go away for a while. I have tried to put myself "out there" to meet people, but I just don't have the energy to play the "game." The most interested person scared me, as he said I was the one for him way too enthusiastically, and that was based solely on my profile. We hadn't even talked yet!

I need things that are going to support me right now, not things that will withdraw my precious, limited energy. At the same time, I also fear that I will leave this life without feeling loved by someone. A part of me unselfishly thinks that might be a good thing, as someone won't have to feel the pain of losing someone they care about. But selfishly, I wonder if having that love and support could help me heal and move forward and be in life for a while.

At the moment, I really don't know who or what I am living for. No husband. No kids. Family off living their lives. Friendships have changed. I wanted to believe that I could make a difference in the world, but I don't know how to speak, or where to speak, or how loudly to speak to be heard in a way that seems to matter. It could be I am making a bigger difference than I realize (I often think of It's A Wonderful Life), but I really - for me - need to have something more real and tangible.

In a way I hate to write these things. I suspect there will be some who will want to fix things, or make them better. There will be some who might be tempted to give cliches and quotes. Not that I don't appreciate good thoughts and energy...I do...but when it comes attached to something that tells me how I should be, it doesn't really work for me.

I don't really want to leave this life. I enjoy it a lot when things seem to be working. The problem is that there doesn't seem to be enough of it in general these days. I am frightened for so many reasons, but I would much rather be able to live life and share what I have to offer.

If there are any angels out there, I am asking for help. Pleading, really. I am at the end of my rope. I really don't know what to do and I really need to know that I matter. I need to know that I am not going to be a drain on others, but instead can make whatever difference I may be here to make. I am exhausted mentally, physically, emotionally and spiritually. I have so many more questions than answers.

Inner peace would be nice - especially if nothing is going to change.

Thank you.

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1 comment:

  1. This is my first time reading your post and my heart goes out to you! I have a sister that is a survivor and I know some of what you are going through! I'll be praying for you for inner peace which is what it sounds like you need the most and to find joy! I think you find joy in writing...so just keep writing and sharing and most of all stay positive! God Bless!