Saturday, July 27, 2013

Things on My Mind

So many things going through my mind. As much as I hate medicine, I am tempted to take some Benedryl for some mosquito bites (at least what I think are mosquito bites).  I have already tried Tea Tree Oil, Coconut Oil and a banana skin - for minimal to no relief. They just seem to love me this year, and at the moment, I have bites in 3 weird places: my chin, my pinky, and my chest. I was pretty much otherwise covered up, so they apparently found what was available, and they are itchy as heck.

I was told that with the treatment I am on that I think it affects me healing in some way. I have to wait at least a month after my last dose, if I was going to have surgery. I can't help but wonder if the bites will take longer to go away because of it. I could, of course, be making things up, but who knows?

I am going to be having a doctor kind of week. I need to see a general doctor regarding my Mistletoe treatments, and while I am there will discuss my blood pressure situation, medical marijuana, and perhaps my hormones. After my hysterectomy I tried at one point to find out what - if anything - I should be doing as a result of the surgery, the doctor I spoke with took the "cancer" route in the conversation. So I am still without any kind of concrete answer, and today someone was asking me about it, and I didn't know what to say. I am still a bit aghast that the surgeons can remove something so vital to a woman, but then shrug when it comes to what comes next. The place I go has so much that they offer, one would think that they'd be a bit better in that regard.

I am also going to be getting blood work and another dose of Avastin. I am not sure what I think. After coming home last time I started to have questions. I don't really like what the treatment can do, but then the other options aren't so great, either. I will be curious to see what my blood work says. I am really hoping it is no worse than what it was last time, and I wouldn't mind seeing an improvement. There are times I really get scared, and then there are times I am so freaking calm. I guess if I am going to die, a part of me is OK with it. Or maybe it means a part of me knows I am not going anywhere just yet.

I have so much I want to do. So much that I need to do. Every day I wake up with the best of intentions. And every day I don't get very far, at all. Today, Ayngel shared with me a "Spoon Theory" that relates to illness. It was created by someone who has Lupus. There is something about it that certainly fits my situation. I try to explain how I feel to people, and I think they often just don't get it. You can read her explanation here (http://www.butyoudontlooksick.com/wpress/articles/written-by-christine/the-spoon-theory/). I highly recommend you read it. It is a great perspective piece that could be helpful for you to help explain your situation (should you find yourself in one) or to understand what another might be going through.

I still want so much to get a book written. I suspect this blog is that book. But it is not yet in that form, and it has to somehow get there. The idea of going back on chemo scares me for several reasons, not the least of which is how it could affect getting it done. But even without chemo, nothing is happening in that regard. The move is still hanging over me. I still have things to move and pack and sort.

On top of everything else, my body hurts more than usual. I try not to think about it. But it seems to be worse lately. I want to work out, too. That's kinda a joke. But it would be good for me. But that is the problem I have right now. I am trying too hard to survive to do much else. I said this before, and I'll say it again, "Where is Charlie Sheen when you need him?" I really need help so that I can stop fighting to stay at the water line so that I can start getting significantly above it.

What would it be like to get that kind of help?

I am living, instead of existing.
I pay people to do the things that I need to have done, and they do it a lot faster than I ever could.
I have the kind of help I need.
I stopped worrying about where I will live, as I have the means to live somewhere, and am taken care of.
I rest more easily, as I don't stay up worrying.
I write my book and am helpful to others in a way that helps them with their experience of life.
My radio show has depth and a helpful impact on others.
I take better care of myself because I can.
I am not as emotionally drained and it helps my body heal.
I am not as tired physically and can better utilize hypnosis and meditation, and can get more physical activity.
I am caught up with the last 2 years of taxes.
All of my papers are organized.
My credit cards are paid off, so I no longer have to worry about them hanging over my head, and the drain they were on me and the prospect of a financial abyss.
I live simply and focus on good health.

I am wondering what else. I look at this list and think that so many would probably say, "me, too." So often the things I talk about seems to be so very much like everyone else's "stuff." So much so, that I wonder how often it affects how willing someone is to help. One of the differences that I can discern is the fact that I have haven't worked in over a year now, and am not physically capable like many who would likely be reading this. Not only that, but the fact that I have been unable to really take care of myself is likely not helping me get better. If I just tried to stop and take care of myself physically everything else around me would fall apart. Not that it already kinda, sorta isn't already doing that - even with my attempts to do things.

I sometimes wonder how much people really know about what I am going through. I really suspect that many don't have a clue - even when I tell them. Some have told me to find those who understand. The thing is, I don't need someone to commiserate with, I need those around me and aware of me and who can help me to understand. I think Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs starts with the most basic of things.  I can't even really consider much more when even my most basic of needs are threatened.

I really need a break. I really need something different in my life. I just have no clue how that is even possible. Perhaps I should add something about that to the above list: I have the energy, and I am finding ways to experience life and do things and go places. I am enjoying myself - and life - immensely.

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  1. I am an intelligent, compassionate woman, but Elizabeth, I don't know that I truly understand your pain. How can I truly when I'm not experiencing it?! You share your soul with such honesty that I have to re-evaluate my life! I am moved each time I read your writing - it is as beautiful as your spirit. I continue to pray for your total health and healing.

  2. Beautifully written. I hope you get all the help you need, I look forward to reading your book!
    Oh, and those mosquito bites - try lavender. Works like magic here...