I think I have mentioned before that once I wrote what I think my mother was thinking when she was pregnant with me. It wasn't positive. Was it right? I have no idea. I have asked her about other things that she doesn't remember, and things that I do remember she seems to have forgotten. So I have no plans to ask her if what I got was right. Besides that fact, we are two very different people, I suspect if I told her what I got - and it turned out that I was right - it would freak her out.
(Interestingly, I don't know if she ever found or reads this blog, so who knows what she really may know about things? I certainly have never told her about it.)
Why do I mention these things?
Because once again I am visiting them. I am thinking about how the DNA changes in a cell and the cell can no longer die. I am thinking about how the cell having everlasting life kills off the organism that houses it. I am thinking about why I am here. I am thinking about what happens next. I am thinking about wanting to survive, but for what? I am wondering what it would take to be able to be the person I know I can be in the world. I know I have so much to offer. I know it. There is no doubt in my mind about that. But I just don't know what is stopping me from doing what I can and being who it is that I might be meant to be.
I wonder if it is me. I wonder if my need to be hidden and not here all these years has somehow translated itself into my being invisible. And then I think about how miserable that is, if that is the case. Why would we have a dynamic that sets us up in a way that we can't alter it in some way? If it is it, why do I have such an incredible blind spot that is stronger and bigger than any conscious, known desire to be something more, something different? Can I get to the point that I will die and have not been able to access it?
Then I think about what if this is how things are meant to be. I wonder if there is some reason this was the route in life that I was meant to take because of what it would offer me in terms of lessons and learning, and what it might ultimately offer others as a result - something that would not have otherwise been accessible - except through this means.
I keep wondering if I am doing things "wrong." If we don't get what we want, what we need, we have to be doing something wrong, right? So much of what we are told these days is that if we want success we have to be a certain way, think a certain way, do life a certain way. I saw something posted on Facebook recently that had a whole long list of what successful people do as opposed to those who weren't considered that.
It kinda rubbed me the wrong way.
It troubles me when only certain things, certain ways of talking, of doing, of being are deemed to be "successful" or "unsuccessful." Despite how my life looks and feels to me, how do I know that I am not successful? Why does success have to look and smell and be a certain way?
The other day I also saw someone on Facebook talk about how a particular profession was out of the question for her young daughter. I know it was said in jest, but it made me think about how much influence others can have over us. What if her daughter wanted to be that thing, then what?
Interestingly someone who I believe was a stripper was recently in the news for all of the money she had from her years working. I believe it was around a million. Odds are I am guessing there are those who would have taken great issue with what she chose to do. But she had a MILLION dollars from doing it.
If one goes by money alone, it would seem she was a success.
I am not sure why I am going off on this tangent. It just seems to be where my head and fingers are taking me. So much of life is a big question. It seems to me that those who are seemingly successful think they have it all figured out. These gurus will tell you, too, how to be successful a/k/a have money. The thing is, though, some of these people have a turn in life and suddenly they are the ones potentially without answers.
It seems that when things have been going better for me, I had more answers, too, and thought I knew that much more. But for all that I thought I knew, it really feels like I know nothing. It seems that the circumstances in life often dictate and validate what we think we believe. Things are going well? I must be doing something right. Things aren't going well? What am I doing wrong?
I haven't changed who I am at the core, but my life has drastically taken a turn. What's the difference?
There has to be something more than meets the eye. There HAS to be. There have to be things that transcend what we think we know about life because if there weren't, things would add up the way we think they are "supposed" to. If we did x and then y we would always have z. But it doesn't happen like that.
Add to all of this that I feel deep inside of me that something is "wrong" about how we do and view things, and it doesn't help. Because if I was "right," shouldn't I have a life that looks much different than it does? Shouldn't I be "successful?" I can't possibly be right if everyone else is going in a different direction - and they're the ones that everyone else is paying attention to.
Or can I.
How many people through time have gone a different direction, and found the thing that no one thought they would find "over there?"
It would be all too easy to do things the way other people say - at least in theory. The problem is that the feeling I feel is so dang strong. It just doesn't fit. I wish I knew how best to verbalize it and make it tangible in a way that helped me be more at peace and have more of what I need.
Something tells me that I am doing exactly what I need to do and doing it exactly as it needs to be done, but man oh man...it certainly doesn't feel like enough. I don't feel like enough. Do you know how much I know about a lot of different things? What do I not know that is "the" thing that I need that is the "magical" kingdom opening key?
The irony, of course, would be if I was already standing in the kingdom, and did not know it because I think that the way things are is not the way I think things should be.
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