The last time we spoke, I was an emotional wreck - scared - terrified - given all that I was going through. At the time I was undergoing chemo, and was not in the best place.
Was that why we haven't spoken since? Nothing. Not one word. At one point I was told through someone else that she was going to send some financial support. As far as I know, it never came.
I really care so much more about the loss of communications than I do about something that never happened. I have learned that I can't count on something until it shows up. For that reason, I am never upset when someone says they'll do something, but then doesn't.
What is bothering me, exactly?
I am sad. I am sad that someone I care about is off having some wonderful things happen in her life, and I am not a part of it. It is something she had been working for, and things seem to be moving forward in the direction she has wanted for so long, and I can't even give her a congratulatory embrace - even if it is "just" on the phone.
I debated about sending her a message - one she may not see, or even acknowledge. Does she not want me in her life? Is what is going on with me too much of a "downer" for all of the joy she seems to be experiencing?
Maybe it has nothing to do with me, that phone call, my tears, fears, or cancer. Maybe we have just diverged paths, and I will just have to wish her well in spirit, and at a distance.
It just sucks. I feel so separate from people I once knew and felt close to. I think what hurts isn't so much what SHE is doing, as much as it is the isolation I feel.
The pain goes much deeper than one person's actions, or lack of action. I think what is happening is just stirring the brew.
People talk about the physical repercussions of cancer often, but little is ever said about the toll it can take in other ways - including relationships.
While what is happening likely has nothing to do with me personally in regard to my situation, I am fairly sure given my other experiences, I cannot discount it totally.
And I really am not quite sure what to do about it.