Monday, January 13, 2014

Let the Sun Shine In

I am feeling tired today. 

It is amazing how much work can go into a meal. The hours of prep. And then, within moments, everyone is done. A fraction of the time passes, and all that remains is a big mess to clean up.

I enjoyed yesterday - but no where near how much I used to. It made me feel "normal" for a little while. I miss the more social parts of life. I miss interacting with people.

A few days ago I spoke with someone who I had not spoken to in a while. He had had a heart attack. When I told him how people could not speak to me because of the diagnosis, and questioned how he might be/react, he said something to the effect of, "You're not going to stop talking to me because I had a heart attack, are you?"

I am glad for those who can still interact with me. It makes me sad when people won't talk to me. It some cases it makes me a bit mad, too. But I have to really be angry to feel it any more, as a part of me just shrugs it off. Perhaps it is tiredness, as I just don't have it in me to care sometimes.

If it wasn't for the fact that I have a need, I probably would just deal with this quietly. There are times I almost regret telling anyone anything. I don't know that I could have gotten this far without detection, but I did not even try.

Plus, it would have been exhausting to attempt. I do not know how those who do it manage.

I have been thinking about the "right" way to do things. Some people certainly think they know what it is.

In practically any context, you will find variations and opinions on what is "right," but in some contexts, variations are more expected, and in some cases, striven for.

One of those arenas is in regard to cooking. A novice cook will question every word in a recipe. They will make sure they have every ingredient in the exact amount called for. 

On the other end of the spectrum is the chef who knows what can replace another ingredient, or what can be left out totally. They can mix ingredients no one else ever thought of. They can do things never before considered.

In some regards, I think the difference between the two is a willingness to fail. I imagine a chef has experimented and failed many times along the way to success.

Another difference comes from experience. The tenth time making a recipe is very different than the first or second. Each time it is made, something different might happen, and each time that it does, there may have been something to learn. Perhaps adding a bit too much spice or choosing the wrong one by mistake will net something unexpected. 

What is the "right" way to live life? What are the "right" things to say, or do? No one really knows, we just drive each other crazy with our interpretations of what we believe - including ourselves.

I had been thinking earlier about something I grew up believing, and given the context, it made sense. But the thing is I didn't note it physically somewhere, so *poof* it went. But the point I would have made is that many of the things we believe come from the context in which they are created and fostered. 

If one can see that, then one must consider that the version of correct can certainly vary by circumstance and person.

So why did I go down this particular path? I haven't a clue. I am sure there was a reason I had in mind when I started this blog entry hours ago, but I have no clue at the moment.

I am now on my way home from treatment. Tumor marker is down a bit. Blood work doesn't show any surprises. For the moment, I continue to chug along.

I already want to go to sleep, but won't be able to for a while. I may stop at the apartment on my way home as there is still stuff there. I do not want to, but picking up a few things can't hurt, and it is pretty much on the way.

Tomorrow I may just try to sleep. I hope if that is the way I feel, I can give myself that. After tomorrow, I need to try to figure out where my Disability paperwork is. 

I don't have much in the way of expectations for myself, but I have to get things going financially. I just really don't know how that is going to happen, though. It really is hard enough to survive right now, It is difficult to do much of anything to surpass it.

I am just going to have to hope that somehow, some way, things will workout.

At some point I may have to post a couple new recipes from dinner last night. I was mostly pleased with the way things turned out - especially for a first go at 'em. 

I was so tickled when one of my guests asked me what brand of refried beams I was using. I was very nervous making them. Next time they will be made differently, but for a first time, I thought they were not bad at all :)

Oh! I just remembered what I had forgotten. Somewhere along the line I learned that in order for me to get the "benefits" of being sick I had to look sick, and sound sick.

There came a point that I realized that that was not exactly true, and it was an empowering realization. But the thing is that I am starting to realize that many people need that "look" to believe a person is ill or needs help or in order to "excuse" them when they somehow are perceived as faltering in how they "should" be...which I think was partly how I got to the conversation about the varying shades of "right."

It is nearly 7, but it feels sooo much later. I would love to sleep, but I am afraid I will miss my stop. I just hope I will sleep well tonight. I suspect I will need it. I an glad I got as much done as I did before treatment, but I sure wish it had been more.

Oh well.

Oh, and one other thing...looks like listening to my gut about the week's delay was quite OK. That makes me smile. :)

Have a good night.


  1. Cancer is tiring. I nursed my mother through it. My sister has it now. My mother was positive, my sister is. Still, there are people who "can't handle" someone else's illness. I don't know what to say to such people. Thanks for sharing your story so openly. Congrats on the recipes, too.

    1. Thanks Melinda. Sorry to hear about what your family is going through. I also acknowledge you for being able to be in "it" with them. So many can't be, and it really sucks.

  2. Hey there. I want you to know that I get your blog posts via email and that I read each and every one of them. I can appreciate what you are going through to a point, but of course I can't fully understand. As for need to look sick and sound sick to get the 'benefits' .. that I do get. I suffer from Fibromyalgia and Connective Tissue Disorder and have chronic pain every day. Unless I'm moaning and groaning and under the covers in my pajamas, people want me to go out and play. I look too normal. Take care!

    1. Thanks for letting me know about your visits. There are times I wonder if anyone is paying attention :p Sorry to hear what you deal with. I am sure it is a challenge. Lots of love to you, and if you think there is ever a time you'd like to guest blog about your experience, please just say the word.

  3. I hope you sleep peacefully tonight. And I will be pondering your comparison about novice cooks and more experienced ones, because I am still basically a novice cook, myself.

    1. Thanks Anna :) I hope you are enjoying dipping into the cooking pots. It can be a lot of work - but so much fun, too...and often worth it, if for no other reason, a story to tell.