Back in October I filed Disability paperwork. It was around the time our dear government shut down. I submitted it, and then waited. I was told it might take a couple of months, so I waited. Mistake #1. If you file for Disability, don't sit back and wait.
Today I called to find out the status. First problem, I had no number they supposedly sent me. Second problem, they should have had my interim address, but did not seem to - which meant they never received my paperwork, as it had the address on it. I kept hoping I was wrong, but the longer I had to sit and wait to hear something from the person I was talking to, the greater my reason for concern.
So then I find out that not only did they not receive it, my claim was denied back in November. There is a 60 Day Appeal period which ends the end of this month. I was given the choice to file an appeal and/or start the whole dang process over again - which makes no real sense to me that you can do both, but whatever.
Which is more expedient? I could not get a clear answer. However I was told an appeal could take up to 12 freaking months, or more! WTh?! What about the compassionate handling for someone dealing with cancer? Well. Once submitted, they will decide if they want to handle things more quickly.
I am also angry at myself. I should have been more organized. I should know if I have copies, and where the heck they are. I have a possible clue - among the many other papers and bills that have been piling up over the last several months, so guess what I will be doing starting next week? I have to now spend time finding something I am not even entirely sure I have.
Provided I find it, though, I am hand-feaking-delivering it to the local office, and taking the post office, another exceptionally run government organization, out ot the equation.
When someone is dealing with cancer, it seems entirely unreasonable to make someone jump through hoops like this. There should be a more expedient way of handling things with proof of diagnosis. I would be willing to bet many people die dealing with cancer before they ever see a freaking penny.
This whole thing is making me very emotional, as it is tapping into things that I am unhappy about. I never wanted to ask for the money, but I have to. I have no choice. The fact is that I have worked for that money, but still, I would rather not have to jump through their hoops for a single cent.
I would be willing to bet many who make the damn rules have no idea how frustrating and upsetting it is to have to deal with this stuff in the middle of everything else. And even putting the emotions aside, physically it is a freaking challenge to have to handle all that needs to be handled.
The times I seem the most calm are the ones that I am not dealing with things. There are times I just can't. Times that willful ignorance is bliss. But it can't always be that way, and I pretty much do the things I have to do right as they need to get done, and not with much time to spare.
I am feeling calmer the more I write. Before I wanted to punch something. I wanted to throw something. I was screaming and yelling, trying to let the feeling of anger get its way out of me. I was only getting more pissed.
I was putting clothes away, and threw them on the bed. No impact. Zero help.
I decided to stop everything, and write this. I had posted a blip on Facebook, but that did not seem to really help, either. My phone just started to ring. I wanted to throw it across the room. I am likely feeling this a lot worse because of all of the stuff I have to deal with, and because of what it all means in the grander scheme of things.
It taps into my financial fears and concerns. It is an awful web I have around this stuff. If I don't have a means to make money, then how do I have value? And why should I even be here? And it is not like I haven't tried!
People are offering to help me, but it involves things I don't really have access to, not the least of which is the "energy time" to do it, and give it focus. Some things require my undivided attention to get done- most things, actually. At that time, most everything else needs to be put aside, while I hope that I do not miss anything important.
One upset upsets the very fine balancing act I have going on. Any upset not only has the ability to create a toppling effect, it usually does.
I am glad I stopped everything to do this. I really hate it that I have these moments that seem to be catastrophic. I seem to be able to roll with so much more now than I ever used to, but when something hits me at the core, the way this has done, rolling is no where near possible. It stops me in my tracks.
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And now I am tired. I think I need to go to sleep for a bit. It seems to have taken a lot out of me. Or maybe it was all that I did yesterday. Or both, plus everything else.
Every time things like this happen, my fears are ignited, too. All of my physical things I pay more attention to, and get scared about what they could mean. It is no wonder there are times I am such a mess.
It am so frustrated about my ability to function. In some ways, maybe I am so desperate to unpack and try to get those things going that I know I can do because I know I can do them. Maybe in some way it helps me feel like I can accomplish something, or better yet, have the illusion that I could actually control a thing or two.
Nothing worse than feeling helpless and at another's mercy. Some people get pissed at me for my attitude sometimes. You try to juggle all the stuff I have juggled, and deal with a seasaw like the one I am on, and have others tell you they don't want to interact with you, or others they control to interact with you, because you might die, and see how well you do.
I am getting angry again. Maybe I should have quit while I was "ahead."
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