As you can imagine, I am having soo much fun. I had wanted to take some stuff to the house in my car the last few days, but wasn't physically able. Today was going to be the day. I am not too upset, because it wouldn't make that much of a difference, and provided I can get out of my parking spot later, I will try to take a few things.
As I was cleaning off my car, I noticed a neighboring car's windshield wipers seemed to be shot. At the very least, the rubber was hanging. Worst case, they're not going to be happy if they need to get somewhere and need them. I was also thinking how grateful I am for my friend. I am not alone if I have a problem. When I was in California, and something happened, I was pretty much on my own, and it freakin' sucked. I did not need my friend at the moment, but it was nice to know things would be OK if I did need him. Having a safety net is great, as it gives some freedom where one would otherwise be restricted. It is even better when it doesn't need to be used, though.
I am taking a few moments to write and defrost. I am mostly done with the car, but not totally. I still don't know if I will be able to get out. There is an icy mound from the plow last night. I am not thrilled about using my energy this way, but at this point, all I can say is "oh well."
Some people are upset for me that I don't have more help, despite requests made in my behalf. I think they are more upset than I am. I believe it is because I am, sadly, all too used to the silence. I would likely be much more upset and even inclined to beg if I wasn't able to do what I can. Quite frankly, being in that position would really scare me, as I wouldn't have my own self to depend on, and if others stayed as silent as they have been, I would have no one else, either. Then what?
Perhaps if it was that extreme I could get some help. Maybe people don't think I need the help. I seem to manage. But they only see one small slice of my life. They don't see me sleeping for hours. They don't see how I can't carry as much as I used to, and have to take many more trips. They don't see me moving slowly so I don't seriously hurt my back. At one point during my last relocation, I could barely move. They don't see the agony I feel when despite trying to function with the details, many slide into frustrating places because my mind isn't working as well as it once did. They see me writing here fluidly, and figure that everything is just fine.
They don't see the hours I have now spent on the phone trying trying to figure out my healthcare situation. They see words that express my concerns, but they can't feel the toll it takes on me to have to go through all of this, and lose my doctors and treatment center, and quite possibly financial hardship help. They can't even begin to imagine how the seemingly little pieces add up, dinging like a cash register in my head. Maybe something is seemingly small, but when added to other things, it is not so small at all. I have been quite fortunate not to have medical bills. Given I am not working, I can barely get by with the things I do need...like healthcare costs, food, gas. How in the world would I pay medical bills? But the thing is...if things do not work out, that is exactly what I will need to be thinking about.
Some would tell me not to think about it, or only worry when I have to. To them I say, you try being where I am and see how well you do, see how easy it is to not consider the potential added complications to an already complicated situation. See how well you do when you have needed help, but most who know of your situation have stood by, silently. See how well you do when you know you have done everything you can - including beg - and still be struggling, constantly on the edge, hoping that somehow you will not fall off the cliff. See how well you do emotionally when you reach out, and no one knows how to help, or what to say, and watch you gasping.
As far as how well I am doing, it is better than some may think. Some will read what I wrote, and think that in some way my life will be made better by pushing my awareness to the side, casting it off like one would should with worry. Yes. I am concerned. Yes it is on my mind. Yes. There are times I am worried. But I do not spend my life and energies there. But just because I don't live there, it doesn't mean the worries won't visit.
I hate talking about this stuff over and over. But the thing is, the situation still exists. The thing is, I meet new people all of the time who have no clue there even is a problem. They figure there has to be help, right? Some organization. Someone. Somewhere. Right? There has to be something I have missed. Some new people do a Google search and send me a list of links that I checked out a long time ago. There is much that sounds helpful and useful, but doesn't live up to how it is perceived by those who only see it on the surface.
Many people are shell-shocked by cancer in part because of what happens as a result of a diagnosis. The diagnosis is bad enough, but it could be dealt with a whole hell of a lot better, if the things around it were more manageble and were handled better. And many of those things around it are handled by those who have no clue what a person is going through, so many things are of little to no use when there is actually someone in need who needs to draw on it, kinda like a fire extinguisher that looks like it would work, but it is really a lamp. You don't need a lamp in case of a fire, but that is what you are going to get.
Cindy Carter of the Cancer Support Foundation told me about an organization that helps people in 2 ways. One of those ways is practical, the other is more comforting. If you were in dire financial need, which would you rather have, something that is supposed to comfort, or a heated home? Apparently, many who donate to that organization seem to think that the comforting thing is what people should have, because that is where their donations go. If you can't get what you need, how comforting is that other thing really going to be? What if you were about to lose your place to live? What good is that thing, however well-intentioned it is?
When I write I often have no idea what is going to come out. There are times I know it can be repetitive for anyone who is paying attention. At the same time, with over 34,000 views on this blog at this point, I am fairly certain there are a good number of people who may be here for the first time, and never return. This may be the only blog entry they ever see. It doesn't matter how many times I have talked about it before. For them, it will be the first time.
Outside of that, this is a topic that needs to be addressed over and over. I wish my situation didn't require it, but putting that aside, even if my situation got better, there are still way too many people facing the same types of challenges, and too little actually being done about it.
Even $1 counts. I can never, ever say that enough. If every time my blog was viewed I got $1, I could go for a very long time not needing financial help from anyone else. But I haven't gotten anywhere near that kind of assistance. You may think $1 doesn't matter, or makes you look cheap, but I can practically guaratee you that - in most cases - someone in need won't see it that way.
Yes. I need help. Yes. I am asking for help. Reluctantly I need to. I have been trying to help myself with my Cedonaah.com artwork, and will continue to. Perhaps you can learn more about it, or would be interested in buying some, or telling others about it? I can make outlet and switch plates, cards, magnets, prints. I can do custom orders. There is so much I can do, given the opportunity.
I imagine in some cases, that also applies to others in need. The problem is being able to do it as a business in the midst of trying to survive. That is a whole other blog entry, though, and I can't go there at the moment.
While I am asking for me, I am also asking on behalf of others in need. If you do not feel inclined to help me, that is fine. You can't help everyone in need, can you? But maybe there is someone or some situation that will speak to you, and if that happens, I ask you to act. I ask you to donate - even if it is "just" a $1. It will be a good thing you do, and if you ever stand where I stand, hopefully others will do the same for you.
If you want to help me, or others, you can also share this blog. The more people talk about this stuff, the better we will all be. Not everyone who understands the issues can help, and those who don't understand them will never even understand why they may want to try to help.
Thanks for listening, and time for me to get moving, in more ways than one! :)
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