Struggling...

There is a wide assortment of things that are going through my head the last few days. I have tried to write a blog entry, but it sits as a draft at the moment. Perhaps one day it will be published, and perhaps it will just sit as an unfinished ode of some sort.

I have been feeling very anxious. It seems there is a lot being stirred up inside of me, and it is coming in different ways. I feel overwhelmed, and out of control. The irony, of course, is that I am never in control to begin with.

I am thinking that my inability to get "it" out could be getting to me. I am suddenly acutely aware of what people may think. I am suddenly wondering how I will sound when I express my dismay, anger, fears. 

I am getting to the end of my rope in some ways, and feel like so many previous pleas have been unaddressed by others, what is the point of once again expressing myself? 

It is no different in appearance to anyone "watching" my life unfold. cancer. Feeling alone. Frustrated. Running out of money. Can't work. Tired. Doing all I can, but it is not enough. Don't know what to do. Need help. Finding mostly silence.

But there is a difference - in my world. There are times helplessness creeps in. And futility. Questions about what is the point of my being here. A much lower bank account, and a much greater need.

It is a struggle. At times a huge one. It is difficult to feel like options are dwindling. It is difficult to do anything when most days I do not get out of bed til 11, and wind up back in bed by 2:00, and sleep several more hours, only to get up a bit, eat, try to do something - and usually failing - and then head back to sleep. There have been days I have easily slept 15 hours.

I think about how the easiest thing for me to do right now would be to write my book. But because other things need to be attended to, including attempting to find ways I can have a more immediate income, doesn't exactly support that idea.

I think about creating another fundraising attempt to give me the funds to do it, but it feels like too much work. I don't know that I could create and manage a campaign and delivering on the perks.

I feel when I talk this way that there will be those who think I am making excuses. I am not adverse to working; I just don't have much to work with at the moment. The times that I do have something to work with, I wind up pushing really hard because I feel like I have to do what I can - while I can. Sadly, those moments are rarer than I would like them to be, and the other moments cost me more than I can afford. 

But I have no choice. Not if I want to continue treatment. Which I really do not want to, but am not sure what other choice I have. I hope to be here a while, but the medical profession has significant concerns about what is happening inside this body. If it was up to them, I would be on chemo. Chemo that would not likely stop the cancer, but chemo, none-the-less.

I feel like such a broken record at times, and wonder if there is any point to repeating myself over and over and over. But the thing is...if I stop talking it likely means I have given up.

I don't know at times how to live when I am trying so hard just to survive. I think when people experience me, they mostly see cancer. Yes. It is my fault. I talk about it. A lot.

The thing is, dealing with cancer gives me limited ability to deal with other things. So much of my life and interactions are affected by this thing. I can't get away from it, not the way others can. Others can just choose to tune me out so they don't get brought down, or to a negative space, or whatever reason seems to fit.

I suspect I could talk about it a lot less if I was able to live more easily. That would involve finding a way to have an income. That would involve more people willing to interact more with me than any fears they have.

Yes. I am talking about other people, and not myself. It is not like I am blaming anyone. I am doing all that I can to help myself, and in the process I am hitting some significant obstacles. 

I could say it is all me, but I am not going to. Looking only at me lets others off the hook. Saying it is only me stops any potential conversation that might just help others, too. 

Could it all be me? I have wondered that more than once, but I can't seem to come up with any pertinent answers that are helpful. 

The best I can do is tell myself that I am doing the best I can do, and be open to whatever may unfold for me. I know there are things I have yet to uncover about myself. We all have them. Life is good for hiding those dang nuggets.

But anything else becomes punishing and agonizing, as I wonder what I have done wrong, or how I could better do things "right" - which equates to a "fixed" life. If my life was fixed, then I'd be doing things right, right? Anything less, then I have to be doing something wrong. I must have some blind spot. There HAS to be something, of course.

Well. No. I would have thought that at one time. But not any more. Sometimes life just sucks. Sometimes things we don't want to happen, do. Many times we can't do a damn thing to "fix" it, and if we are lucky enough we may come to understand the role the character of the situation played in our life. There will be times, though, we may not have a freaking clue, but it makes us no less of a person for it, and it doesn't mean we have done a damn thing wrong.

Which, by the way, means that anyone reading this is doing exactly what they need to in regard to themselves in relation to me. It may suck for me to be living in this void while others preciously guard themselves, but I get it.

I understand a lot logically, but it doesn't help me in my situation or help me feel any better about what I have to contend with. I have used a drowning metaphor before, and it works here. I may be drowning, and know that it could be dangerous for you to try to help me if you can't swim. But while I am drowning, all I will see and experience - if anything - in my fight to survive is that there is someone on the shore, if only they could/would help. I will experience those things - maybe - as I ultimately drown.

Yes. I understood why you stood by helplessly watching me go down. And I still drowned.

That would be quite the note to end on. Very dramatic. I debated about leaving it there, but for your sake, I did not. I would have been fine ending it there. It felt like the end. But the thing is it might have sent the "wrong" message. It might sound like I am blaming "you," and I am not.

Having said that, I see others like me who struggle, and I see how they are treated and/or ignored. There is a bigger picture here, and if we are are so "quick" to hold a person responsible for their situation, why does our life involve any form of interaction? If we say something is a person's own fault, then it lets us off the hook of "having" to be responsible for making a difference for another human being's experience. 

What are the chances that some of the ways the world seems to be unravelling have to do with our inability to interact with each other? What if in helping another - even when we think we have nothing to give - even when we may think it isn't our burden to deal with - we get something for ourselves in the process? What if being empathic and making a difference for another makes a difference in the bigger picture, as well as for ourselves?

Are we potentially missing an opportunity when we give someone good wishes instead of giving them a piece of ourselves? I don't know the answer, but I think it an interesting question to ask.

And on that note, I am finished. I am also feeling a bit better. It really does help to write. Good night.