So I decided to store a few things, and go back where I needed to go. In the process of storing, though, there seemed to be a leak. I called out for help, and when the person came, they callously moved my stuff, and it got damaged in the process.
In particular there was an old game. I opened the box and saw the damage. I debated about keeping it any way, or just getting a new one. But I really did not play the game any more. Was there any point in getting a new one, really?
When I think about this in relation to my life, it makes sense. I sometimes wind up doing the things someone else wants me to do. There are times it costs me my "game."
I am finding myself a lot less likely to play games these days, and yet, there is a part of me that wishes I still had them. I am letting stuff go - in some cases - rather reluctantly because I feel they no longer fit the idea of something I want to have.
When most everyone plays games, and wears masks, it is very difficult to be the one who doesn't. Most people "fit" because they are willing to play along.
Stopping playing can almost be akin to coming to a dead stop on the freeway, while vehicles zoom past you. It is dangerous to stop there - you may just get hurt. But the thing is, sometimes you don't have a choice. It just is what needs to happen.
There are times I wish I could again play the game. There is comfort there. There is a sense of belonging there, fitting in.
There is also a sense of collusion. People are misled to believe that the game is what is necessary to function and to fit in. You only need to look at those who don't play for validation of this "truth."
But when it is time to give up the game, there is no going back. Even if you do try, it doesn't feel the same. It isn't as easy, or as seamless as it used to be. It can be downright uncomfortable, even worse than the discomfort of walking away from it, and that is saying something.
At this point I don't want to go back, but the thing is I do not know what moving forward looks like. It is uncharted territory and at times quite lonely. When you are outside of the game everyone else is busily playing it is difficult to get their attention, and if you do, you might get the evil eye for distracting them. You might also get people who have no idea what to do with you because you don't fit their parameters, or play by the rules.
It isn't one-sided, either. Once you step out of the game, you aren't quite sure how to play with those in it any more. There is a perspective that comes from being outside of it that does not fit within the game's boundaries.
The feeling of being lost can live there especially because you can no longer go back and fit. But you do not know where you do fit.
If you try to go back, and somehow succeed, it could be at a great personal cost. You may have surrendered a part of your soul to be in a place you should no longer be. You may act like you are OK and happy, but it is all just part of a well played game.
You ever try to walk away from a game? You are called a "sore loser" a "quitter," all kinds of unflattering things. We have been taught from an early age that it is never a good idea to quit a game.
Quitting, in general, has a bad reputation. And yet, we not only know how to do it, we are capable.
Why should we know these things and not respect one's ability to act on them? Because it ruins the game.
Sometimes a game is just between two people, and if one walks away, there is no longer a game. You may have quit, but the other person had no desire to.
The result? If they are going to continue to play, they need to find a new person who will play the game with them, who knows the rules as you knew them, preferably. It has the ability to make all kinds of havoc when you stop playing the game - in other people's lives, as well as your own.
Society tries to tell us we need to play life by the rules of the game. It tries to tell us it is for our own good and well-being. But people break rules all the time. Apparently a rule of any kind can be broken, and yet we think that the institution of rules is the "answer" to the problems we face in life. And because we believe this, those who dare to step outside of them are not viewed kindly.
I suspect we are all meant to stop playing the game. I suspect there may be some cases in which people who feel they can't stop are jealous of those who do, and the only way to deal with it is to do whatever they can to make that person come back - or regret that they ever left.
Those who do something in the face of discomfort aren't acting out of fear. There is something within that speaks louder than the fears of what will happen as a result of their actions. For that reason, I think it possible that those who act to keep a level of comfort, quite possibly could be acting from a fearful place.
When you feel you have nothing to lose, fear can no longer play a role, and fear plays a huge role in The Game. When you stop playing The Game, you have taken away fear's ability to affect your actions, but it still has the ability to greatly affect those still in The Game. And fear will whisper in their ear when they notice that the framework it is built upon might be crumbling.
Fear is only as powerful as those it holds captive. But fear is wise. It will never make it look like what it is, so when people act from a place of fear, it could very well look like a place of love and conviction, and other "good" things.
I have no idea if I am "right" about any of this stuff. It is just coming to me, and I am sharing.
I suspect a great part of life's learning comes from The Game. After all, you only have perspective when you can see from a different vantage point. The Game offers that opportunity, provided we are willing to step outside of it.
I also know that we change - even when we don't want to, or aren't looking. As a result, one day we may come to a totally different perspective about something we have known our whole life.
Why that moment? My best guess is that things were building to that moment, and that moment needed everything that came before it for it to happen. It could be that everything that came before shifted the frequency of the message that was there all along, but we could just not hear it.
It is in a moment that we find a precious piece of ourselves that we find a precious peace within ourselves. Perhaps it is then that we know that fear has no role in what we are doing.
If we have to work really hard to maintain something, maybe, just maybe, it is not meant to be maintained. And, maybe, just maybe, if something resonates for us and we act on it despite its seeming illogical nature, we are having a moment in which we have stepped outside The Game.
And, maybe, just maybe, that is a GOOD thing.
Addendum: I was getting ready to share this, and saw the following quote from St Augustine, "Miracles are not contrary to nature but only contrary to what we know about nature."
What about life is miraculous, but we just don't know or realize it? What if all the pain and fear and confusion and...are all apart of a greater picture, and are a part of a picture outside of our current "knowing"? What if what we think we know of these things being "bad" is just a lack of human knowledge and awareness of a greater whole?
It kinda sucks, I think. Lol. But maybe that is just a part of The Game, too. Maybe it has us think we what think so we can't know what we know. Hmm. I wonder...