Thursday, January 2, 2014

Pack a Little...Pause a Lot

I am down to my last couple of days before moving from this place. I feel like I have a fairly good handle on things, but you just never know. It is hard to pack every. last. little. thing. And that is just the beginning of the fun. Then there is the treasure hunt at the other end, and figuring out where to put it all and discovering things you know you should have gotten rid of.

I wanted to get rid of more before moving, but it hasn't happened. I don't have it in me to do. So all but the obvious to get rid of gets packed.

I am really hoping once I get to the house and get settled, I will be able to...not sure what to say there, actually. Not sure how settled I will get, either. So many papers floating around from incomplete taxes from the last 3 years. Among other things.

"Focus on what you do have. Be grateful." Voices of others echo on my head. Bleh.

Not that I am ungrateful, but there is just stuff I am aware of. I am aware if the immediacy of the moment, of how things not done may never be done. And it is not necessarily a negative thing, although I am sure some will surely take it that way.

So much of life is lived by definition, and yet definitions vary, often because perspectives do.

Before I was diagnosed I was concerned about how I felt. I kept hearing I was OK. Well. I kinda, sorta have been OK. I am still here. Not exactly the kind of OK I was hoping for, though.

I would have preferred the "you're worried for nothing, go home and get some rest" OK. I could still be OK and die, too. Yeah. It sucks, doesn't it? I know very few who would see that as OK in any way.

I am living in a world that I am trying to deconstruct. So many do not see things as I do, which is really nothing new to my experience of life. What is new-ish, though, is my willingness to go toe-to-toe with it, to speak up. To dance with the murkiness of any perceived truths.

However in so doing, I am feeling like I am in uncharted territory. Those I am working with energetically/spiritually have no answers for me, either. Some in the past would have acted like they did.


I wonder how many people think they have the answers until death comes knocking. Death is a bit more absolute when it comes to life's experiences than other things that seem to be "fixable."

Anything that is fixable has the potential to be addressed. Although there are some who would profess to be able to fix the whole cancer thing. The problem is, though, if it truly was/is a fix, why doesn't it work for all people?

Perhaps when it is time to die, it is time to die. Just like when you gotta go to the bathroom, you gotta go. Both things are natural parts of life. Both things just happen. Provided we live life, both are inevitable. And necessary? That last piece I am not so sure about. But both are a letting go.

Can't believe I am comparing death to going to the bathroom? Neither can I. But on some level the analogy works.

I walk through life these days trying to live in a way that doesn't fit the mold we have created. It isn't easy, and can be really frustrating.

Someone who knows what I am dealing with - the move, my health - waited to the last minute to give me what I needed to for something for her. She needed it NOW. I even tried to explain to her it wasn't as easy as she seemed to think it was. I felt pressured.

This is someone who has done a lot for me, so I wanted to help. But the thing it is not like I am sitting around doing nothing. At the very least, I may be sitting around feeling sick. It is really hard to make commitments that involve others these days, especially if they have an expectation that I may not be able to meet. I make commitments with care, and then plan other things around them, knowing how I can't handle much simultaneously. 

I get how important and pressing it was for her that it get done. I just wish she had considered how it would interact with me more. It just really makes me think that even with explanation, many people have no clue what I am dealing with. And if those with an inside track don't get it, how will anyone else?

In some ways I wouldn't care if others got it. But the thing is that I have to continue to interact with others, so I have to do what I can to explain. I also need help. I can't get it if people don't understand why I need it. 

I do not blame a single person who keeps quiet about their challenges. Sometimes I am not convinced that speaking up makes a difference, and occasionally even adds to my level of challenge.

As I lay here, writing, I want to go back to sleep. After a day of sleeping and nausea yesterday, I still have a lot to do before tomorrow. I miss feeling good enough to be able to just keep going. At the same time, I know if I do, the price to pay may be pretty high. I need whatever I can pull together to get through Saturday. Unfortunately it doesn't look like there will be much help.

Guess it is a good thing I can at least do what I can. I would really hate it if I couldn't do anything. But "at least," or not, it still sucks.

Boy, am I tired.


  1. I've made a list of New Years resolutions! There's a lot that I'd like to change/ achieve!

  2. Wow, that's a very heavy post. At the same time, it's very relatable.

    The packing thing, I get that. I had to shove everything I own in two suitcases and leave everything else behind. I still found things I should have gotten rid of.

    As for the cancer, I wish you luck. You're right. I can't know what you're feeling. I've never dealt with it personally, just with friends and family. Good luck.

    This is a very deep blog, and I look forward to coming back to see what else you post.

  3. Cheer up girl! You will be able to pick things up and put them in place! Good luck to you.