Suddenly it has gotten cold! Last winter was
so mild, I think it was rarely ever as cold as
it was early yesterday morning. It was in the
40s, and it is still only fall.
But you are not going to find me complaining
about it. I love the cool weather. I would
much rather be on the cool side than sweating
through the humidity of the higher temps.
I love the feel of cooler weather clothing. I love sweaters. I love clothes
that you know you are wearing. I love how the cooler weather exhilarates.
It is odd to contemplate wearing winter coats. I don't think I wore one
even once last winter. I also wonder how it will be to interact with a
wig with winter wear and any possible snow. I would have to say the
most ideal weather for a wig is sunny and moderate with little to no
wind.
***
Yesterday I spent some time talking to someone I met on the way home.
We were talking about many things, and I shared with her about this
blog, and how I was in the process of announcing to the world that I
am here. She asked me if I felt that I had made changes.
I told her that the most recent video I did, and much of what I say here
is indeed "evidence" of a change. I told her there was no way I would
have done much of what I have done here prior to this.
I also told her things about my life. And she made a comment akin to
"when you think you got it bad..." In other words, I think my story made
her feel like hers wasn't so terrible. I laughed and said, "I am glad I can
make you feel better."
It also got me thinking about the details of my life. Many times those
who hear what I have to say are amazed about the details. There was
a time when I would have thought my story stood out, and I would have
been miserable about my contrast with the lives of others. The
comparisons would often leave me sad, mad and jealous because it
would point out what I lacked.
It hasn't been like that for a while, though.
I am not sure when it changed. I also can't be certain about what it is at
the moment, although I do wonder if there is a part of me that is "resigned"
to the "fact" that this is my life. I wonder if somewhere along the line I
became numb.
I read a quote today that says that the world we live in is based in cause
and effect. I read it. I re-read it. And I pondered the statement. Is it
truly cause and effect? I tried to think of something that might be without
cause.
I didn't really come up with anything, but as I typed that, I thought about
when someone seems to do something without cause. Have they truly
done it without cause, or is it just that the cause isn't known or clearly
understood?
And then it made me wonder if indeed the world is all based on cause
and effect, how often could we be at the effect of a misassigned cause,
and then what effect might that have?
Do we need to know the cause of something, or only that there is one?
Do we even need to know that there is one?
If we were living in the moment, truly living in the moment, I don't
know how often we would even consider (or have to consider?) the
seemingly causal nature of the world.
We could just live.
It seems to me that when we find ways to explain things, we can then
find ways to "fix" them. It also seems to me that that isn't living in the
moment. I think the nature of the "fix" seems to be something that is
futuristic. It isn't OK today, but it will be tomorrow, when...
I think about the world in which we live.
So much is planned.
So much is done with the idea that there will be not only A tomorrow,
but many of them. So much is done with the idea that it isn't complete
or done until the end result is achieved, and if you fall short of the end,
you have failed.
If each moment we lived was embraced in totality for what it offers us,
and we let each moment unfold into the next, it could really mess with
things. For one, wedding planners would be out of jobs. :P
Where I go for treatment there is a "survivor tree."
People on there have survived 5 years after their cancer diagnosis.
I am not really sure what I think about that idea, among other reasons
there doesn't seem to be a lot of names there. At the same time, I
walked away from it yesterday thinking that I would be one of those
people.
It gives me something to aim for.
It gives me something more than this moment.
Do we really need to have a future goal in mind to give reason to
the moment in which we live? It would seem that is what planning
does for us.
A focus on the future gives us meaning in the present.
Take away the future goal,
and then what do we have in the present?
There is a cause and effect dynamic that isn't exactly empowering.
I suppose the key is to have an empowering perspective and
do what you do, and if part of that is living with a plan for the
future in mind, then that is what you do. Planning, would be,
after all, how you choose to live this moment in the present.
And maybe that is a gift unto itself, as long as we allow it to be.
I say that as I think about all of the stressing that often goes into
things that are planned.
***
As I contemplated what to write next, uncertain which way to
go, I was sitting here, touching my face. I felt the smooth skin,
interspersed with the bumps of my roseacea. I had to work on
working with the thoughts I have about the roseacea, and the
fact that I am not "supposed" to touch my face.
But...
It was nice to feel the caress. To feel the warmth of my hands
against the cool skin of my face. It was nice to close my eyes
for a moment and enjoy. To be aware.
To be present with me.
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