on this image. I kinda liked the way it
came out in general, but not so much in
terms of my complexion, and the weird
things that happened with the picture.
So I cheated with Photoshop. Sorry,
couldn't help myself, LOL.
In my life I have often hated having my
picture taken. I have
the way I have looked. Now that we are
in the "digital" age, it is so much easier to
control the output, especially when an
image is just me. I can just take 100s
pictures and delete most of them. It takes a lot of patience, which
apparently my artistic side has.
I can then take an image I would have not liked because of my
roseacea, and I can clean it up. In general I don't do anything
with moving my face around, but by the time I am done, I can
have an image that I can appreciate. I know it may be stretching
things a bit, but pictures and lighting don't always give me what
I see when I look in the mirror. So maybe it isn't the worst thing.
Why am I telling you this?
Good question.
I suspect part of it is because I think that there may be some who
could look at my images and think, like one person did, that I am
photogenic. They may wish they could look that good. Odds are,
given my experience, I bet that the person who might think that
could look awesome, too, if they had all the "friends" and patience
I have.
One might also wonder why all the images.
I have thought about this, and I have come to partially conclude
that it is one of the best ways I can do anything to make myself
feel better. I really haven't had much of a life the last several
months, and when I look in the mirror without all of my "friends"
it can often get me down, especially if I am tired or have recently
had chemo.
It is also a way for me to exercise my creative self. It can be
annoying to try to work on things the way I feel, but I sometimes
feel I need to push through.
Guess it is better than spending my days in bed.
Maybe.
Sometimes I think I may push too far. My body obviously wants
rest, but I am determined not to give in. But even if I don't give
in, I don't always get to do what I want to do. I get to do whatever
I can manage to do.
There can be a big difference between the two.
I was thinking before that I wish I knew how to describe the world
that I exist in at the moment. I feel like many probably don't have
a clue of what it is like for someone in this "state." I likely can't
speak for every person who has ever had chemo, and I wouldn't
want to even try. At the same time, if I could figure out how to
describe this world in some way that would make sense, perhaps
it would help someone to interact with a person who might be
going through what I am. I tend to think many people would
avoid the contact because they don't know how to interact.
I used to be one of them.
I was speaking with a friend the other day who said that she sees
me as bigger than the cancer. That cancer is a small part of who
I am. She was clear to point out that she wasn't diminishing my
experience, although I understood what she meant without the
explanation.
As we spoke, she also speculated that those who cannot speak to
me see the CANCER as bigger than me. The idea of it has
swallowed me up, and in some way, I disappear in the cloud
of the label.
I could see how that could happen. It is a very scary thing, and
there is a lot that isn't known. There is a lot that is speculated on,
and possibly misunderstood. It also, good or bad, turns out that
for many it is a disease that is "chronic." It is something that
people can live with. There is even a woman who was diagnosed
with cancer that was supposed to be terminal, and she is still going
strong. (I believe her site is CrazySexyCancer.com).
There are lots of elements to this symphony.
I also think there is something to this about me claiming my space
in the world. For so long I sought to be invisible. Now I am
telling the universe "I am here!"
Look at me. I am here.
So if I am going to be here, I am going to be here in any way that
suits me at the time. And if at times I look and feel glamorous
and attractive, woo hoo! LOL.
Speaking of which, I think it is quite paradoxical to look awesome
and have a label that says something about cancer. I wonder
sometimes if I am trying to say that just because I had an ugly
diagnosis, I don't need to look or feel ugly.
I am sure there are all kinds of ways to analyze this, and analyze
me. I am sure it happens quite naturally. I also think there are
times I may seek to figure myself out before you try to figure
me out. There are times I feel so vulnerable, I think I am, among
other things, defending myself and my actions.
There was a time I would never have laid myself this bare for
critical assessment. For as much as I would love to say I didn't
care what anyone thinks, I would only be lying if I did. I do
very much care - much more than I would like to.
At the same time, I am no longer allowing myself to block my
expression because of what you, or someone else, might think
or say. I don't often think about it, but when I do it can be
quite unsettling.
I have often felt (in the past) that my life has been the way
it has because people did not like or accept me. I felt like there
must have been something wrong with me. That I was too ugly
or too fat or wasn't "cool" enough.
Thankfully that isn't so much the case, but I suspect there is
some residue that remains. It was something so deeply embedded
in me. My grandmother used to tell me that I was picked on
because people were jealous of me. How could they be jealous
of ME? There seemed to be nothing to be jealous of, so what
she said made no sense to me and was of no help.
While any of that could very well have been true, I see now
how there are other things that could have, and still do, come
into play. I see now that what others think of me isn't any of
my business (I am not sure if there is someone to credit for
that idea; I have heard it more than once, but never credited).
But even if it isn't my business I, like anyone, have things
that unconsciously affect me and take me on incredible
emotional rides from time to time.
What a journey this has been, and continues to be. Don't you
just LOVE being stretched in ways that don't feel stretchable?
Um. Yeah. Me, neither. :P
I have no idea where all these things will wind up, but they
are having quite the time swirling around within my psyche.
As good as Photoshop is, it is too bad it can't help me adjust
and/or get rid of a few things in there with a click or two.
(Hmm...gives me an idea for some possible hypnosis....)
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