Feeling Restless

Today was a difficult day.

It seems like my more difficult days these days
tend to be the ones in mid-treatment cycles.
At least when I am not well, I guess I can be
not well.

But when I start to feel a bit better physically,
it seems my situation starts to take more of a
toll on me emotionally.

Someone told me that they were surprised I
didn't go to bed and curl up like a ball.  They
have said I have been courageous in how I
have dealt with this.  The fact is, I don't know
how to be any different than I am.

And I am not sure if that is a good thing.

When I get like this I feel a sense of urgency.
I feel like I am in a hurry.  I feel like I need to
do things, but am incapable of doing most of
what I need to do.

I imagine part of my anxiety is the fact that
I am not likely to have my taxes done in time
to meet the extension.  I am not sure what that
means, but at least part of it is likely to be a
penalty.  It is the LAST thing I need right now.

Hanging over my head is also the $300+ bill
for anesthesia for the colonoscopy I did not
want.  Although I did finally get around to writing
the doctor that I saw.  I asked for his compassion,
and asked if there is anything he could do to
forgive me the debt, given my circumstances
and the fact that he coerced me into something
that I did not want to do, something that
did not need to be done.  If he remembers me,
which I think he will, he may even feel a bit
guilty, as he told me everything was fine,
when it wasn't.  If it hadn't been for my
persistence, I don't know what would have
happened, but it would not have been good.

As I am writing this, I am having waves of pain
up my spine.  As you may remember, if you've
been keeping up with me, I get a Neulasta shot
when I get chemo so that my blood cells stay
in a good range to keep me healthy.  Usually
I can counter the feeling in my body with a
couple of things over the counter.  For some
reason, it is hitting me differently this week.

Damn it hurts.

I am also nervous about the upcoming pet scan.
I always tell people that worry helps nothing.
I know that.  I believe that.  And yet, I can't
help but have nervousness over what comes
next.

Ideally I will be done soon.  I want to be done
soon.  I want to believe all is well.  But I also
wanted to believe all was well back in May,
prior to my diagnosis - but it wasn't.

I tend to think we have some inner knowing
about things, but I feel like my inner radar isn't
exactly functioning the way it needs to.
Somehow I knew I needed to act back in May,
but somehow I still thought I would be OK.

I was "OK," I suppose.  But the type of OK
is a different one than the one I had thought it
would be.  Some wouldn't even call "this"
OK.  In their world, I certainly would be
generous by saying that.

I really do wish I could go to bed and stay
there in a ball.  I really do wish I could send
the world away.  I really have times, like now,
that things are very difficult to deal with.

I just wish I could be like the doctors and the
nurses and the others who interact with me,
and just go on with life in between contacts.
I am still living, so I guess I am still going on
with life.  But I don't feel like I am living much
of a life.

It is difficult for me to plan anything.  I have
no idea how I will feel.   I have no idea how
my brain will be working.  I have no idea if
my eyes will want to close in mid-sentence.

I have no idea about anything.

It is even difficult when I feel better.  I almost
feel like I should be doing other things.  There
is almost a feeling of guilt.  It is almost like
everything is just fine.

But I think times like that might be like being
in the eye of a hurricane.  I get battered, and
then there is a calm, clear feeling.  But I
know the back of the storm is still coming, and
I will get battered again.

So everything is fine.
But not so fine.

The shores of my mind, body and soul are taking
a beating.  I really don't like saying it like that.
I really try to stay away from the negative images
and feelings.  I really do.

The problem is that there are times I can't help
but say it because it can't help but feel "true."

There goes that feeling again.
Damn that rolling pain.