The Beauty of Self Perception?

Have you ever heard of Photofunia?  They have some awesome, fun effects that you can play with  when it comes to your images.  I rediscovered them today when I was looking at photo apps for my iPad.

The above image is one that I took about 6 or 7 years ago.  I thought it might be a fun one to get the "Warhol" effect.  

In the last few days I have revisited different images of myself.  I have done this in part as a way to try to come to some peace around my self perception.

I had written previously about how I have viewed myself in life, and how there were seeds planted a long time ago that have me uncomfortable viewing myself attractive, even when I think I am.   When I posted the picture of me without a wig, I got several compliments about how "beautiful" I am.  

It brought me nearly to tears.

I also was recently telling someone about how I have been taking a lot of pictures of me and how I kinda felt funny about it.  At the same time, I felt like it was in some way a record of things as well as a way for me to say to the Universe, "I AM HERE.  Look at me.  Look at this.  I AM HERE."

I know that there are things rumbling around in my unconscious that have me at odds with myself. I just don't know exactly what they are.  As I think about the possibilities, I suspect there are elements of other things from my childhood that have gotten into the mix.  

I have been told that extra weight is a form of "protection."  And if I feel unconsciously like extra weight is unattractive, then perhaps there is a part of me that thinks that I am somehow protected from being hurt as no one would be interested in me or pay attention to me.  And yet, here people are telling me that I am not only attractive, but "beautiful."  

*I* can't be beautiful!  That is for other people.  

And yet, it would seem I am.

As I write this, I feel TERRIFIED.

I am also crying.  

I guess I hit onto something.

If I am beautiful, then people will pay attention to me.  There goes me being invisible.

If I am beautiful, and people pay attention to me, and I am no longer invisible, it would seem I would be more vulnerable.  If I am invisible, then I can't get into any trouble or difficulty, can I?  Or so, the seeming logic may dictate.

If that is the dynamic, or even part of it, I could see why I might feel as scared as I am.  

I am definitely going to have to explore this more.  

Such a tightness in my chest as I say that.

Wow.  Such terror.