I Can (?)

Previously I wrote about going to California
for a seminar in 2006.  It had been the first
time I had travelled in quite some time.

I was so not used to it that I left a bag at
security.  To make matters worse, I didn't
even realize I had done that until after I
was sitting at the gate for a bit.

In a panic, I ran back to security, and was
able to get my bag.  What a relief.  At the
same time I was so emotional.  I think I felt like I was on the precipice
of something.  I just didn't know what.

I pulled out my cell phone and was talking to a friend of mine, pacing the
airport, and at one point I looked out the window, and I saw the image that
you see above.

"I can."

It was interesting to see that.

Was it a message?
It sure felt like it could be one.

Eventually I calmed down, and I went on the first of many trips that year.

Little did I know what was going to be happening,
and that I would not only move to California, but
be back on the east coast, interacting with a diagnosis
and repercussions of cancer.

When I look back on things, there is so much that I
have done that has been built on the back of other
things that I have done.  Recently someone said she
read a quote that made her think of me.  It had
something to do with the idea that disparate things
can come together and make some sort of sense.

If I hadn't made strides to make my first AOL Hometown
webpage years ago, I might not have much of what I do
now.  At the time it wasn't like a "professional" site, but
it was something that I could build upon.  It was something
I could learn with and from.

So many times people never start something because it
will be something less than perfect.  I knew - even in its
imperfect form - it was what I had to do.  But it didn't
start that way.

Someone I was familiar with had offered to make me
a website/page.  I had put her off because I was aware
of the fact that it wasn't going to be easy.  I had worked
for a design firm and I knew it would likely be a pain
in the butt.

But one day I decided to take her up on her offer.

The problem was, I think I waited too long and thought
I would get more than I think she was planning to give.
She seemed frustrated by our back and forthing regarding
details.  I also got the impression that it would be a static
page that I wouldn't be able to update.

When I realized it wasn't going to work for either of us,
I decided to work with what AOL offered.  It was a
start.  I began with one really big page of info, and then
branched off to several other pages.

Professional, or not, I was proud of what I had accomplished.
One night I had been working on updates for hours.  I had
worked through the night.  At one point a message popped
up that essentially said "we hope you have saved your work,
because if you didn't, you are about to be screwed, because
we are going to kick you out, as you have been on XX hours."

I don't remember the exact number of hours, but I want to
say it was at least 10.  Thankfully I had been saving most
of my work, but I still wasn't happy they didn't give me an
option to save before kicking me out.  (What kind of
customer service/programming is that?)

So many times I have had to do things on my own.  In the
process, I have often learned a lot more than I might have
wanted to.  At the same time, it would seem that what I have
learned has in some way come into play at some point or
another.

When I think about "I can," I want to believe that I will find
my way through the things that will be occurring next.  I
WANT to believe that.  Somehow I feel like that message is
just as pertinent to me today, and maybe even more important
than it was when I was terrified and pacing the airport.

Even though I am not in an airport now, there are times that
I am equally terrified, and others, maybe even more so.

While I don't have to know how to do something to know that
"I can," the how would be such a big help and relief to know,
you know?  Although the list of things that I now know I
didn't know at one point, so even if I was told it was a how,
it might have been difficult for me to understand or believe
before its time.

Ah.  The freakin' great paradoxes of life.  Or maybe it is more
accurate at times to say Aaarrrrghhhhh!