Frustrated & Scared

I have a sister who is my "ICE" (in case of emergency) person.
She was with me when I was in the hospital, and she was with
me when I got my port.

She has been willing to be with me when I get chemo, but I
have pretty much told her that it is not necessary for her to come.
It isn't easy for her.  She has more than one job, and a family to
deal with.  I also spend my chemo time hypno'd out, so there
really seems no reason for her to be with me when it takes so
much for her to be there.

She gets pissed at me when I tell her that she should do what
she needs to do.  She wants to be with me when I get my pet
scan results.  I appreciate that, but at the same time, when I
found out that there was a good chance that cancer came
knocking, I was by myself, and I dealt with it.  I think I can
deal with whatever they might tell me.

If the news is anything but good when I get the results, I am
not even sure how I will feel about her being there with me.
A part of me I think will be grateful.  Another part, the
private part, not so much, I think.  She asked me if I wanted
her to stay for the chemo, and I told her I didn't know how I
would feel, and therefore I didn't know how I would be about
her staying or going in advance.  I also told her that if she
needed to do something, then she should just do it.  She got
pissed.  She wanted to know what I wanted.

The thing is, I don't have a clue.

I am so used to doing things by myself.

It was comforting having my friend with me there the one
time, as well as when my other sister was there.  It was
surprising to me.  At the same time, I feel kinda bad that I
am zoned out, and they are just sitting there.

I am really stressed this week, and I am not sleeping well,
at all.  I really can't deal with this stuff.

Tonight I told my sister that if I have to continue with chemo,
I need to change my day of the week.  I chose the day that I
go to suit her.  The thing is, though, that she has only been
there a few times, and going forward, if I need to continue
treatment, I am going to need to find a way to do things
differently, and part of that is moving my treatment day.

She got pissed.  She may not be able to be there for me then.
I get that.  I understand that.  I intend to deal with it, if
necessary.  But she doesn't get that or understand that.  But
says she understands, but only sees how she can't be there.

Since she is the person I depend on in case of need, she
seems to want more from me.  I am not sure what the more
is.  If it is a play by play of more of the same, I can't do it.

I have to live this situation.

I don't need to be giving someone the play by play.  I told
her about my chemo reaction.  I told her about the ER.  I
told her about the things that are the exceptions to the
monotony that has become my life.   Unless she hears from
me, it should be clear that I am "business as usual."

Somehow that doesn't seem to be enough.

I told her that if there is some reason she needs to be there
with me, we could see what we could do to make it a day
that she can be there.

I know that I am not being helpful here.  But, quite frankly,
I don't really know how else to be.  I can consider her for
the 5% that she has been around, or I can do what I need to
do for me.

I am sure there is something lacking here between us.  We
have often been at odds in life.  The fact is she has a heart
of gold, and I know she wants to help, and I am not making
it easy.

But this is not f*cking easy for me.

Sorry for the language.  It is times like this that are the
hardest.  It is times like this that my situation hits home
in an all too realistic way.

I am doing the best I can to moderate my emotions and
thoughts and feelings.  And there are times that I do really
well.  Right now is not one of them.

I am scared about the test results and what it could mean
if it is anything other than a "you're good."  I wanted to
just make it through the end of the year financially because
that is when chemo would end.

The bank account has greatly dwindled, and I have lost
my customer base.  Just because I stop chemo doesn't
mean everything is going to be suddenly OK.

There are a lot of things that concern me, and I haven't
a clue how I will deal with them, should they go from
concern to reality.

I always tell others that worrying doesn't help.  I told
anyone who would listen early on that I would prefer if
they would just send me love when they think of me,
instead of spending energy worrying.

I know it doesn't help.  And til I know the result, I really
could be thinking of other things instead of being in this
horrible state that I am in right now.

But it is hard.
Really, really hard.

I guess I am hoping that by sharing this in some way, it
will help exorcise the negativity and the fear.  I think it
might be helping as I am feeling a bit calmer.

The news just HAS to be good.

To any "powers that be" in the unseen universe, I am
asking for an outcome that has me complete my chemo
as originally scheduled.  And to you, the person reading
my words, I ask you to please send me some good thoughts
in whatever way feels right to you.  I will take all that I
can get.

Thank you.