Last night I dreamt a lot.
They weren't good dreams, either.
I have been wanting to remember them so I could write them down so I have been trying to replay them while I slept.
In the first dream that I remember, I was in an environment in which it seemed something like college, but I was not college age. I think I was the age I am now. Maybe. Whatever I was, I felt like I was simultaneously in the same "place" as the others, and not.
At one point someone told me to be on the lookout as one of the girls was going to play an embarrassing trick on me and that it was going to involve "shit." I went to sit at a table with a number of the girls and the one who was going to do it came over with a big box to give me (kind of like the one flowers go in). The girl next to me told me that the girl who gave me the flowers had changed her mind, that the box was safe to open. I wasn't sure that I believed her. I wondered if that was somehow part of the "trick."
As I was sitting there, someone came over from my right, and pretty much threw the shit at me, and it landed beside me. I wanted to call the police. I also think I got up and made a big announcement to anyone who was there that that was it. I was close to being done (graduating?) but I had had enough, and I was leaving. They had won.
Then I was in some stores in New York City. It was like a mall, I think. I can't remember what was going on, but at some point I was also driving my car. It seemed really dark, and at one point I think I turned left in a lane that may not have been a lane. Then at another point, I was in some apartment-like buildings, and I was going to find my car, and my car keys. I think I might have been retracing my steps.
At one point I saw them on the ground near something orange. A girl was picking them up. She said something about how the orange thing had to do with needles, and that something should probably be done in regard to cleaning the keys, or making sure they were safe. I didn't care. I just wanted my keys, and I wanted my car.
I wound up in a place with another woman who told me that I needed to contact the police, that they had my car and it had been in an accident, and they needed to talk to me. Arrest me, really. I think. She gave me a slip on paper with a cop's name on it and phone number and told me to call him. She also told me that they knew it wasn't me, but they were tired of those who got away with things, so they were going to get me because they could. It was a set-up. I was flabbergasted. I hadn't done anything. All I had been doing was sleeping.
I went somewhere to sit down and call him, and put the ear piece in. He and I spoke briefly and he was claiming that I had taken a drug (a legal one, but one I shouldn't have been driving with) and that I had caused a problem as a result. That's about as far as we got, when the girl who gave me his number in the first place (and who I thought was helping me, and on my side) came over and cut the headset cord and disconnected us, and tore up the paper with his name and number into little pieces and tried to take it away.
There were a number of people around, so I thought there had to be witnesses to what was happening to me, but there seemed to be no one. There was a guy sitting next to me at first, and I thought if I called the cops, he would validate the craziness that happened, but then I realized it was someone different sitting there, and he claimed to know nothing of what happened, even though I think he knew everything. I felt like I was being set-up again, and like the original conversation was a set-up for something even more.
The next thing I know, the guy sitting next to me shows me something in his hand, and it is something that apparently recorded everything that happened, and will show me in a bad light, and he is going to file it that night. I go to reach for it, knowing it is probably not a good idea, and there are photographers taking a picture. I knew they would somehow make it seem that I was trying to cover up what I did, when I hadn't done anything! They all seemed to do things to set me up to do things that they could manipulate and make things worse for me. I seemed to be acting in a "predictable" way. It seemed that the whole thing was a set-up for an investigative show. I couldn't tell if it was for "real" or if it was one of those shows that make it seem like it is.
**
In these dreams my decisions only seemed to make things worse. They also were all reactive to what was going on with me. It didn't seem like I could trust anyone.
I don't think I would say I feel people are out to get me or that I can't trust anyone so it's either something subconscious, or it is perhaps representative of something else. I definitely felt out of control in these dreams, and like I couldn't seem to get to where I wanted to get to. "Shit" was getting in the way.
I cried some before I went to sleep last night. I am not sure what is going on with me. I am emotionally wrecked. Yesterday I was at the conference in the morning for a bit, and at one point I started to cry, and I couldn't stop it. I thought about leaving, as I didn't want to draw attention to myself. But I thought that would be the easy way out, too. I wanted to see if I could stay for a bit, so I went to the ladies room.
Someone asked me if I was OK, and it only made me cry more. At one point I felt my legs might go from out from underneath me. I couldn't stop the crying, and I didn't know where to go. I landed by the wall, trying to curl up and just sobbed. The person wanted to help, but how could I explain what I was feeling? I didn't even know. Besides it was a long story. Besides she was there for the event. I didn't want to take her away from it. But she not only stayed, she encouraged me to cry, and let whatever needed to be let go, go.
As I write this, I am in tears again. I haven't cried much in the last few months, even though there was a time I cried almost every day. The woman asked me at one point if I thought I was depressed. I told her I sometimes ask myself that question. I am struggling to just survive these days, and I don't just mean financially. I sometimes wonder if I am giving up my "right" to be here. I am not doing all that I can to take care of myself, and when I think about it, it sometimes is "what's the point?"
I am also exhausted. It takes a lot of time and focus and energy to do things - even the most simplest of things - and I just don't want to do a damn thing. A part of me has had it with the shit, and just wants to walk away. If I am not welcome here, then I don't want to be here.
Having said that, I know I am welcome here. People tell me how valuable they think I am and how important what I have to say and do is. A part of me believes it. But another part says if that really is true, why aren't you making money? Why are you struggling? Why can't you seem to share the you and the message that so many, including yourself, thinks is of value? And then I think that I am doing that. That this blog is one way. The radio show is another way.
But there is no money attached. Can it be valuable if no money is attached? Can *I* be valuable if no money is attached? Of course, I know the answer is yes. But somewhere inside of me that question lives and breathes. I am trying to figure out what it is. If I had money, would I still feel this way? I suspect the answer would be yes. I think I would still want to find ways to feel valuable.
One of the best jobs I ever had was my last full time job, over 12 years ago. The paycheck was the plus. I loved that job, at least while the woman that hired me was still there. About 2 months after she hired me she gave notice to her job, and spent 6 months transitioning out. I loved working with her. I loved how I got to do things however I wanted to a great degree. She would say that I was her eyes and ears, and gave me great latitude. I got to be away from my desk a lot, and it couldn't have been a better job for me.
Her replacement had other ideas, though.
He saw my job as someone who should sit at her desk all of the time. He had no idea what my job was under my previous boss. Despite the fact that I spent a lot of time coordinating his welcoming/her exiting party, he was astounded by what I had done. I told him what I had been doing, but I guess somehow it had not registered. He was used to someone who would get him coffee and lunch. My job didn't last long after the transition was complete. I was trying to find other ways to contribute, but in the end, the job came to an end.
It was the beginning of the road I have been on the last several years. There are times I miss an office environment, especially like the one I had at that job. I miss the interaction with people. I miss the after hours get togethers. At the same time, it is incredibly rewarding working as a hypnotist and coach. Those one on one moments can be incredibly powerful and special. Since I haven't been working, I haven't even had those.
I suspect my soul is feeling deprived. The interaction we have with others is what shows us who we are. It is what gives us opportunities to express ourselves. I have often said I miss the me I am when I am in a relationship with someone. There is an opportunity in that context for me to be someone that I don't get to be in other contexts, and I miss her a lot. There are days I wonder if I will ever see her again. I hope to. But there are times I do have my doubts. A person dealing with cancer is wearing a sign that reminds people that the end is near. It could be just as near for someone not wearing the sign, but - they're not wearing the sign. It is easier to be in ignorance of that fact when it isn't so blatant. And then there are other issues and concerns, too. But I will not give up on the idea of being with someone unless I give up on everything else, too.
There are other mes I miss as well. All of which I hope will have a return. There are some days the only me I know is the one who can't get out of bed.
Today I was reintroduced to the me that did not want to eat. For me, that usually is indicative of something, as food often is a comfort for me, and I wind up eating more in times of stress. When I don't want to eat, that is not the best sign. But I did eat something, any way. It is odd to feel that way, though. It is quite unusual for me.
In a few hours (at 4:00 PM Eastern) I have my radio show WorldofPerspectiveRadio. I am wondering what to do on the show. Last week was a re-run of several of the speakers who were at the conference these last couple of days because I was just too tired to do a live show, and thought it would be a good idea, given that the event was coming up.
To push through or to go back to bed. There are other choices I would rather have instead.
Those moments of choice are so razor's edge fine. To give up, give in, or to walk the line.
Contact Me (Elizabeth Alraune)
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Monday, September 30, 2013
Saturday, September 28, 2013
Conference Day
 |
| taken on a much better day |
I tried to focus on good things. I figured if anyone picked up on my yucky energy it would be a way of fulfilling a day among others, but spent by myself.
I wanted to be optimistic, but the best I could hope for was to be present.
I met some wonderful women today, and enjoyed making the connections. Part of what really helps me is when I feel like I can say or do something that matters. For several months opportunities to feel that way have been quite limited especially since I don't get out much.
In some ways, that was why I felt like it was important for me to go to the conference. I felt like I had to go. Go, and be among some wonderful people. I had just hoped that I would find a way to get something from the day, and not come home feeling as depressed as I did when I left this morning.
Early in the morning, at the start of the event, Ginny Robertson (the creator of the conference) read:
"If you try to comprehend air
before breathing it,
you will die."
- Mark Nepo
It is the beginning of a poem, the rest of which you can read here. Given the way I have been feeling, it seemed rather apropos. So often I want to understand things, but the best I can do is just do what I can in the moment, despite my lack of understanding. I have no choice. But it doesn't mean I am content with that. It just means I logically understand that there is much I can't, or ever will, understand.
I think I am holding together by a thread. I was speaking with someone and I burst into tears. I explained how I felt lost and uncertain as to why I am still here. I explained how I felt. I explained that many people know what they can and should be doing, and aren't, and how when I was diagnosed with cancer I depleted that cache of things. I explained that while I may have known once what to do, I am at something at a loss now.
It occurs to me as I write this, that it isn't quite true. I still want to write a book. I still need to write a book. The 'problem" is my energy level. Small, short blog bursts are one thing, trying to put together a book is something significantly different. I only have so much energy for things, and even less for new things and things that fall in the more difficult range.
Putting that aside, though, I really don't know what to do. So much details are like working a business -which is hard enough when you are healthy. I used to easily put in 60+ hours of work a week before all of this. I can't do it now.
I told another person that I am not thrilled to explain things like I do, but that if I don't, people expect me to be just as anyone else is, and I am not. And the only way they're going to know is by me telling them.
I also said to a few others that there are times I don't know if I have "surrendered" to what is going on or if I have given up or how much of what I feel may be a combination of things. There really are times I just don't have it in me to care what happens. In some ways that is better than panic, but in other ways I fear I am just resigned and numb. I am struggling to care about taking the Mistletoe and supplements and caring about what I am eating. A part of me feels like, "what's the point?"
One thing I wasn't looking forward to today was the "what do you do?" conversation. Interestingly, I didn't even have one of them. In that regard the day was an incredible success.
I am really tired now. I think the day took a lot out of me. Even though it is somewhat "early," I think I am going to head off to bed. Maybe if I get some rest, I'll feel better. Things are always so much worse when lived through tiredness.
If any of the lovely ladies I met and spoke with today happen to read this, I want to thank you so much for your time. It was truly a pleasure speaking with you. I think I had exactly the kind of day I needed to have. Thanks for all the love and hugs. :)
The cherry of the event was meeting up with someone that I have only met with in person once. I hadn't expected to see her today, but she was going in as I was leaving. She is dealing with her own issues, but she has such incredible energy that I was glad that we had the chance to speak. I think we were both better off for it. At least I know *I* was, but I still got a way to go.
Well, I'm off. G'night.
Contact Me (Elizabeth Alraune)
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Friday, September 27, 2013
Please Don't Make Decisions for Me
Last night I posted this on Facebook:
Feeling anxious about my health insurance situation. I know there is nothing I can do at the moment, but it does not help. Despite what Obama said, I cannot keep my plan. It is being discontinued/replaced. With what? No one can tell me. I want to continue to be treated in the same place, but there are things that need to be considered along the way. I don't want to make a wrong/bad choice. I hope there is a way to figure this out and that won't cause my greater anxiety and financial worry and instability. I suppose I could say that I am grateful that I am still here to have this problem. I could. A part of me really wonders lately if I have surrendered to what is, or if I have just given up. I am anxious, but not. A part of me almost just doesn't care. I feel like I am swimming upstream, and I kinda feel like what happens, happens at this point. I really don't know what I can do, short of driving myself crazy, and worrying about every single choice I make not really knowing if any of them will truly affect a damn thing. At one point I said something to the effect of what if the idea that we can control anything is an illusion? What if there are just times the things we want coincidentally occur when we want them to? Interestingly, I saw a quote from Byron Katie recently that pretty much said the same thing, but instead of it being a question, she stated it as absolute fact that we can't control a damn thing. Although to be more accurate, I think she left "damn" out of it. A part of what exhausts me is the amount of energy I spend trying to figure out who is "right," because if I choose wrong, it could cost me everything, It is hard to live wondering if the choices I make are to blame for where I am and where I am headed. Sometimes it makes things impossible. Tonight I gave up eating the most perfect and healthy diet. I hate looking at many foods and seeing them as the poisonous enemy. I know some would say they are. But are they, really? My diet is better than it has ever been, maybe I will have to leave it at that. When my life is through, I would hate to be sitting there thinking about all of the energy I expended worried about something that may not have really made that much of a difference one way or another - if at all. There is no way to know, really. Some people eat raw, and still get cancer and die. Some people have a great belief in God's healing words and power and still die from cancer. There is more going on here than we know. We can pretend to know. We can hope we know. But if we know anything I think it is that we can more often than not be wrong - especially when we try to overlay what we think we know over another. If there were absolute answers, I think life would look a lot differently than it does. And of course I can be wrong. But I would guess I could also have a chance to be right, too. And there goes the seesaw of my mind. By the way, I am just speaking out loud. No cheerleading or solutions required. Thanks for getting this far - lol - if you did. Have a good night.
Someone who I helped with something yesterday commented on it, feeling badly about "bothering" me with her issue. The fact of the matter was that I was happy to help, and would not have, if I wasn't up for it. Yes, it took energy, but it was nice to feel useful.
I often think people don't want to "bother" me so they take it upon themselves to make decisions about how they interact with me. I am glad, really glad, that the person had not seen the posting first, and then chosen to decline my offer to help. When I can help, I do. When I can't, I don't.
It really is that simple.
I can't tell you how often people try to take care of me, and I don't want it. When I can do something I want to do it because it is often enough that it is a problem and I can't.
It is frustrating as heck.
If you know someone who is struggling, consider letting them make their own choices and decisions. If you offer help and they don't want it, don't push. I hate that! I know it comes from a good, kind place but it really isn't helpful - at least not in my case. If they offer you help, and you can use it - take it. It may mean more to them than you might realize.
I am trying to get things going in my life in some way, but it is painfully difficult and it is leaving me feeling useless as the things that I can be useful with lay at the side. I have had this thought a time or two, but more in passing than at the moment. You can be so helpful that you will help a person feel unneeded and unnecessary and I am sure that is hardly your intention.
I need to earn money. Even if Disability comes through, it is not enough to live on. I can earn up to $1000/mo on disability. I would love to earn enough to even to not have to go after it. It sometimes crosses my mind that people aren't helping me work because they don't want to bother me, and if that is the case, the good intentions are making things worse. Working may be difficult, but having no money to pay bills is even more so. I have to try.
Thanks for listening, and I hope the fact that I share these things are helpful in some way to you or someone you care about.
Contact Me (Elizabeth Alraune)
Read My Story
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About this (relate to cancer) Blog - Click Here
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Feeling anxious about my health insurance situation. I know there is nothing I can do at the moment, but it does not help. Despite what Obama said, I cannot keep my plan. It is being discontinued/replaced. With what? No one can tell me. I want to continue to be treated in the same place, but there are things that need to be considered along the way. I don't want to make a wrong/bad choice. I hope there is a way to figure this out and that won't cause my greater anxiety and financial worry and instability. I suppose I could say that I am grateful that I am still here to have this problem. I could. A part of me really wonders lately if I have surrendered to what is, or if I have just given up. I am anxious, but not. A part of me almost just doesn't care. I feel like I am swimming upstream, and I kinda feel like what happens, happens at this point. I really don't know what I can do, short of driving myself crazy, and worrying about every single choice I make not really knowing if any of them will truly affect a damn thing. At one point I said something to the effect of what if the idea that we can control anything is an illusion? What if there are just times the things we want coincidentally occur when we want them to? Interestingly, I saw a quote from Byron Katie recently that pretty much said the same thing, but instead of it being a question, she stated it as absolute fact that we can't control a damn thing. Although to be more accurate, I think she left "damn" out of it. A part of what exhausts me is the amount of energy I spend trying to figure out who is "right," because if I choose wrong, it could cost me everything, It is hard to live wondering if the choices I make are to blame for where I am and where I am headed. Sometimes it makes things impossible. Tonight I gave up eating the most perfect and healthy diet. I hate looking at many foods and seeing them as the poisonous enemy. I know some would say they are. But are they, really? My diet is better than it has ever been, maybe I will have to leave it at that. When my life is through, I would hate to be sitting there thinking about all of the energy I expended worried about something that may not have really made that much of a difference one way or another - if at all. There is no way to know, really. Some people eat raw, and still get cancer and die. Some people have a great belief in God's healing words and power and still die from cancer. There is more going on here than we know. We can pretend to know. We can hope we know. But if we know anything I think it is that we can more often than not be wrong - especially when we try to overlay what we think we know over another. If there were absolute answers, I think life would look a lot differently than it does. And of course I can be wrong. But I would guess I could also have a chance to be right, too. And there goes the seesaw of my mind. By the way, I am just speaking out loud. No cheerleading or solutions required. Thanks for getting this far - lol - if you did. Have a good night.
Someone who I helped with something yesterday commented on it, feeling badly about "bothering" me with her issue. The fact of the matter was that I was happy to help, and would not have, if I wasn't up for it. Yes, it took energy, but it was nice to feel useful.
I often think people don't want to "bother" me so they take it upon themselves to make decisions about how they interact with me. I am glad, really glad, that the person had not seen the posting first, and then chosen to decline my offer to help. When I can help, I do. When I can't, I don't.
It really is that simple.
I can't tell you how often people try to take care of me, and I don't want it. When I can do something I want to do it because it is often enough that it is a problem and I can't.
It is frustrating as heck.
If you know someone who is struggling, consider letting them make their own choices and decisions. If you offer help and they don't want it, don't push. I hate that! I know it comes from a good, kind place but it really isn't helpful - at least not in my case. If they offer you help, and you can use it - take it. It may mean more to them than you might realize.
I am trying to get things going in my life in some way, but it is painfully difficult and it is leaving me feeling useless as the things that I can be useful with lay at the side. I have had this thought a time or two, but more in passing than at the moment. You can be so helpful that you will help a person feel unneeded and unnecessary and I am sure that is hardly your intention.
I need to earn money. Even if Disability comes through, it is not enough to live on. I can earn up to $1000/mo on disability. I would love to earn enough to even to not have to go after it. It sometimes crosses my mind that people aren't helping me work because they don't want to bother me, and if that is the case, the good intentions are making things worse. Working may be difficult, but having no money to pay bills is even more so. I have to try.
Thanks for listening, and I hope the fact that I share these things are helpful in some way to you or someone you care about.
Contact Me (Elizabeth Alraune)
Read My Story
View My Vlogs
About this (relate to cancer) Blog - Click Here
Read about where things are currently
Would you like to be a guest blogger?
Thursday, September 26, 2013
Breast cancer Awareness Month
Several years ago, long before cancer ever touched me personally, I did a fundraising walk for an organization called SHARE in NYC. I wanted to do something to help others, and I even drafted several other people to do the walk with me and raise money. I thought I was doing good. I have to believe I was. But there was so much about cancer that I had no clue about until this past year. If I had known then what I know now, my inclination would not be to support an organization, unless I fully investigated them first. They would have to do more than sound good.
And even then, it would not be my first choice.
I have seen how too many people are hurting from the fallout of cancer and have no support. I have seen how so many I interact with figure there HAS to be support. There just HAS to be. There are too many organizations and companies that are supposed to help, right? Right?!
Wrong.
So many people give to organizations that have "cancer" in their name and SOUND like they would be helpful, but when it comes to someone who has to deal with cancer and really needs help, there is no one to turn to.
Today I saw the video below, and I am not happy about all of the kinds of things he talks about, either...but I mostly stay silent about them specifically, instead doing my best to educate people that things are nothing like they are led to believe. And the only reason I know it now is because I have a first hand awareness and knowledge of the fact that many people are bad places due to the repercussions of cancer with no help in sight while these types of organizations raise millions of dollars that never see the light of a cancer patient's day.
As I considered this, I thought of an alternative approach someone could take. It is interesting that it is called an "awareness" month. As if we aren't aware that breast cancer exists in a big way. I think what there needs to be a greater awareness of the plight of the individuals affected by the disease. I think there needs to be a greater awareness of the hardships and the impossible choices that come along with a diagnosis. And I am not just talking about the physical ramifications.
If you are seeing this, reading this blog entry, viewing the video, and the things make sense to you, and you have it in your heart to help, consider helping an INDIVIDUAL.
You may think that your contribution is better with a large fundraising effort, as it adds up to more, and you really think it can make a difference. But think about this: If you were a millionaire, and someone gave you a $1 would it have the same impact as if you had only $10.00? Which person do you think the contribution would mean more to?
Also consider the "adding up theory" when it comes to an individual. If you give $1 and 500 others do, too, that is $500. That could really make a difference for someone struggling to pay bills or even "just" eat.
If I could go back to the time I walked for SHARE, I would try to find someone in need and do everything I did for SHARE for that one person. I would do everything I could to raise money for them to get through their day-to-day life.
I am not saying that people shouldn't do what feels right to them. If contributing to an organization feels like the best route to take, please do so. However, having said that, I am also saying on behalf of the likely millions like me, please consider who you want to help, and see if that organization truly does what you want it to with your hard earned money. If you give, it's because you want it to help, so it would be good if it did more than pay for office furniture or gave someone a heftier paycheck, don't you think?
I am going to suggest that if you want to make a donation this upcoming month, you personally find someone in need and make them your cause. Yes. It will be more work, and it likely won't be tax deductible, but my guess is it will make your heart feel pretty damn good.
Thanks for listening/dropping by. Please feel free to share this with others. Much love to you.
Contact Me (Elizabeth Alraune)
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And even then, it would not be my first choice.
I have seen how too many people are hurting from the fallout of cancer and have no support. I have seen how so many I interact with figure there HAS to be support. There just HAS to be. There are too many organizations and companies that are supposed to help, right? Right?!
Wrong.
So many people give to organizations that have "cancer" in their name and SOUND like they would be helpful, but when it comes to someone who has to deal with cancer and really needs help, there is no one to turn to.
Today I saw the video below, and I am not happy about all of the kinds of things he talks about, either...but I mostly stay silent about them specifically, instead doing my best to educate people that things are nothing like they are led to believe. And the only reason I know it now is because I have a first hand awareness and knowledge of the fact that many people are bad places due to the repercussions of cancer with no help in sight while these types of organizations raise millions of dollars that never see the light of a cancer patient's day.
As I considered this, I thought of an alternative approach someone could take. It is interesting that it is called an "awareness" month. As if we aren't aware that breast cancer exists in a big way. I think what there needs to be a greater awareness of the plight of the individuals affected by the disease. I think there needs to be a greater awareness of the hardships and the impossible choices that come along with a diagnosis. And I am not just talking about the physical ramifications.
If you are seeing this, reading this blog entry, viewing the video, and the things make sense to you, and you have it in your heart to help, consider helping an INDIVIDUAL.
You may think that your contribution is better with a large fundraising effort, as it adds up to more, and you really think it can make a difference. But think about this: If you were a millionaire, and someone gave you a $1 would it have the same impact as if you had only $10.00? Which person do you think the contribution would mean more to?
Also consider the "adding up theory" when it comes to an individual. If you give $1 and 500 others do, too, that is $500. That could really make a difference for someone struggling to pay bills or even "just" eat.
If I could go back to the time I walked for SHARE, I would try to find someone in need and do everything I did for SHARE for that one person. I would do everything I could to raise money for them to get through their day-to-day life.
I am not saying that people shouldn't do what feels right to them. If contributing to an organization feels like the best route to take, please do so. However, having said that, I am also saying on behalf of the likely millions like me, please consider who you want to help, and see if that organization truly does what you want it to with your hard earned money. If you give, it's because you want it to help, so it would be good if it did more than pay for office furniture or gave someone a heftier paycheck, don't you think?
I am going to suggest that if you want to make a donation this upcoming month, you personally find someone in need and make them your cause. Yes. It will be more work, and it likely won't be tax deductible, but my guess is it will make your heart feel pretty damn good.
Thanks for listening/dropping by. Please feel free to share this with others. Much love to you.
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Wednesday, September 25, 2013
On Judgment
Judging something is to form an opinion about something, to come to some sort of conclusion. I am thinking about this today because someone that I haven't been speaking with brought it up. She said that I was judging her, and that I was being judgmental.
There was a time I quite proudly said I wasn't judgmental. I am pretty sure I believed it when I said it. Often people have shared things with me and I did not judge them for it. I did not tell them they shouldn't do it. I did not think less of them for it. There would be times I couldn't understand it. It wouldn't be for me. But for the most part I think people could feel safe telling me most anything.
As I think about this I wonder when judging something became a dirty word. When did it become a bad thing to judge something? We judge things all of the time. I think in some way we probably need to. I think when we form an opinion about something it helps us to know how we want to interact with it - or IF we want to interact with it.
As I am writing this I am reminded of a line from The West Wing. Jimmy Smits character at one point is for a bill until he's not. He is made out to be a flip-flopper for it. It turned out that he was for it when it was created, but then it became distorted, and something he could no longer support - so while it had the same name, it was no longer the same things, and he was against it.
While it is not quite the same thing, I think there are things in my life that I believed, until I no longer believed them. Things came into the equation that were not there originally and my mind - and opinion - was altered in the process. I think that happens to all of us at one time or another. It is like somehow we are supposed to be wedded to who we are always. I seriously doubt anyone appreciates it when it happens to them, and yet we've all done it to another.
One risk of judgment is being misinterpreted. If we form an opinion of something it could very well be that we are wrong in our assessment. I was wrong when I said I was non-judgmental. I had opinions of the things I heard, but I just didn't hold them against those I was talking to. A person could feel safe telling me something not because I would not judge what they would say but because my judgments would not affect how I interacted with them.
However, I acted a certain way and said certain things because I believed certain things. I certainly would have challenged anyone who thought I was incorrect. There is no doubt it served me to believe myself to be that way, and present myself to the world that way. Who knows what effect that had on anything in the process? Being "wrong" can certainly have effects on the things and the people in our lives.
"If loving you is wrong, I don't want to be right." Sometimes what is "wrong" just feels right. Sometimes even if we're wrong it works for us in some way.
I say these things as I contemplate a friendship. I contemplate the things I came to conclusions about. I contemplate what it costs me to believe those conclusions. I contemplate the case I am making to be OK with where I am about things.
So much of this experience of cancer has shaken up most anything that I believed about myself and my life. It has turned so much of my life on its ear. There are perspectives I could change. But at what cost? There are perspectives that have already had a cost.
One thing that occurs to me is that I have judged those I know. I have judged how they have been with me throughout this. I read something early on that said that the people in your life will surprise you. The ones you think will step up will step back and those you hardly know may be there for you in ways those closest to you are not.
Some of the most supportive, helpful people have been ones I either didn't know or barely knew a year and a half ago. Some of those I thought would step up, didn't. I can't help but come to some conclusion about that. You'd like to think that those closest to you would be there in a way that others would not, and when they're not, what do you do with it? What do you do with them? What do you do with yourself?
Dealing with cancer doesn't give me much patience to deal with things these days. It is much easier to walk away from something than to take precious, limited energy to try to fix it - especially when I am not sure it was working in the first place.
I know you are likely forming your judgments of what I am saying right now. There would have been a time I would not have shown the sides of me I thought you might judge harshly. You are just as likely as me to judge, and to judge me in a way that I may not like, or think is accurate. It is just a part of the "game" that we play as human beings.
One thing I am discovering is that it doesn't so much seem to be about the fact that we judge as much as it is about what we do with our assessments. In the end, it would seem that is really what we care about and what matters the most. And even then, my guess is that in the process if there is a cost, it costs us more than the person we judge.
It is just a guess, though. As all I am really trying to do is figure things out, to make some semblance of balance and sense and peace. cancer has a way of really screwing with you. While you think you have years of tomorrows ahead of you things don't carry nearly the same weight as when you are acutely aware of your mortality and the fact that odds are good that the amount of time you have left no where is near the time that has already been spent.
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There was a time I quite proudly said I wasn't judgmental. I am pretty sure I believed it when I said it. Often people have shared things with me and I did not judge them for it. I did not tell them they shouldn't do it. I did not think less of them for it. There would be times I couldn't understand it. It wouldn't be for me. But for the most part I think people could feel safe telling me most anything.
As I think about this I wonder when judging something became a dirty word. When did it become a bad thing to judge something? We judge things all of the time. I think in some way we probably need to. I think when we form an opinion about something it helps us to know how we want to interact with it - or IF we want to interact with it.
As I am writing this I am reminded of a line from The West Wing. Jimmy Smits character at one point is for a bill until he's not. He is made out to be a flip-flopper for it. It turned out that he was for it when it was created, but then it became distorted, and something he could no longer support - so while it had the same name, it was no longer the same things, and he was against it.
While it is not quite the same thing, I think there are things in my life that I believed, until I no longer believed them. Things came into the equation that were not there originally and my mind - and opinion - was altered in the process. I think that happens to all of us at one time or another. It is like somehow we are supposed to be wedded to who we are always. I seriously doubt anyone appreciates it when it happens to them, and yet we've all done it to another.
One risk of judgment is being misinterpreted. If we form an opinion of something it could very well be that we are wrong in our assessment. I was wrong when I said I was non-judgmental. I had opinions of the things I heard, but I just didn't hold them against those I was talking to. A person could feel safe telling me something not because I would not judge what they would say but because my judgments would not affect how I interacted with them.
However, I acted a certain way and said certain things because I believed certain things. I certainly would have challenged anyone who thought I was incorrect. There is no doubt it served me to believe myself to be that way, and present myself to the world that way. Who knows what effect that had on anything in the process? Being "wrong" can certainly have effects on the things and the people in our lives.
"If loving you is wrong, I don't want to be right." Sometimes what is "wrong" just feels right. Sometimes even if we're wrong it works for us in some way.
I say these things as I contemplate a friendship. I contemplate the things I came to conclusions about. I contemplate what it costs me to believe those conclusions. I contemplate the case I am making to be OK with where I am about things.
So much of this experience of cancer has shaken up most anything that I believed about myself and my life. It has turned so much of my life on its ear. There are perspectives I could change. But at what cost? There are perspectives that have already had a cost.
One thing that occurs to me is that I have judged those I know. I have judged how they have been with me throughout this. I read something early on that said that the people in your life will surprise you. The ones you think will step up will step back and those you hardly know may be there for you in ways those closest to you are not.
Some of the most supportive, helpful people have been ones I either didn't know or barely knew a year and a half ago. Some of those I thought would step up, didn't. I can't help but come to some conclusion about that. You'd like to think that those closest to you would be there in a way that others would not, and when they're not, what do you do with it? What do you do with them? What do you do with yourself?
Dealing with cancer doesn't give me much patience to deal with things these days. It is much easier to walk away from something than to take precious, limited energy to try to fix it - especially when I am not sure it was working in the first place.
I know you are likely forming your judgments of what I am saying right now. There would have been a time I would not have shown the sides of me I thought you might judge harshly. You are just as likely as me to judge, and to judge me in a way that I may not like, or think is accurate. It is just a part of the "game" that we play as human beings.
One thing I am discovering is that it doesn't so much seem to be about the fact that we judge as much as it is about what we do with our assessments. In the end, it would seem that is really what we care about and what matters the most. And even then, my guess is that in the process if there is a cost, it costs us more than the person we judge.
It is just a guess, though. As all I am really trying to do is figure things out, to make some semblance of balance and sense and peace. cancer has a way of really screwing with you. While you think you have years of tomorrows ahead of you things don't carry nearly the same weight as when you are acutely aware of your mortality and the fact that odds are good that the amount of time you have left no where is near the time that has already been spent.
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Day 15: LaKisha Mitchell
30 Days. 30 Causes. 30 Dollars. Today I have chosen someone who has come to my attention through Mandisa. I am not sure how I came to Mandisa's website, but when I got there I saw a video called Overcomer (see below). She says the song was inspired by a friend, LaKisha Mitchell, whose fundraising page she links to.
LaKisha, or Kisha, as Mandisa knows her, was diagnosed with breast cancer around the same time she was pregnant with her second child. When I looked at her fundraising page, she has seemingly raised only a small portion of what she is asking for ($25,000). I can't help but wonder if there may be some who think that Mandisa will help her and choose not to help. For all anyone knows, she receives much of what she needs "behind the scenes."
The thing is, though, the page is there. The request is there. It would seem a need is there. All kinds of assumptions can be made, while she and her family try to cope with the repercussions of her diagnosis and treatment. I tend to think that if there wasn't a need there wouldn't be a page. I also tend to think that even if I am "wrong" about the need, what is a $1? We can question everything and everyone and do nothing, or we can take risks and try to help out another in need. I think so often we think someone is taken care of so we do nothing. And while everyone is busy assuming something is being done, nothing is.
I think we are in big trouble if we shut ourselves down totally to those who we do not know personally. It is that type of connection that can make a big difference...sometimes bigger than the one that can be made by those closest to us.
If you are seeing this, consider there may be a reason, and please consider helping.
(The rest of this entry is a repeat from a previous one.)
If you don't know me, you may not know that I am really in no position to be spending my money on others. I am running out myself after having dealt with cancer since last May. I began this #303030 as a way of living into the idea that each and every $1 matters. I have often said it, but up until this past year, I was not likely to be one to help another, even with a $1. It wasn't that I didn't want to, but often I would be concerned how I would look (cheap?), or think that somehow the recipient might think that it didn't mean anything, or I would intend to do it later, which never came.
I decided to change that. I had to change it. So often I will see those in great need echo my words. They, too, know the value of the little things adding up. It is those who have never had that great need who would likely question the value of what would seem a minor contribution.
It really does mean something to someone who really is struggling. I guarantee it. Not sure if they are legit, or not? It is a valid question. At the same time, if it is "only" $1 to you, then does it really matter if they're not?
I keep telling people to feel free to reference me if they are looking to raise funds. I really don't mind. Part of my reason for doing this is to show people that if I can do it, they can, too. Even if it was one person, $1, over 12 months, it is making a difference in 12 people's lives in ways you could only possibly imagine.
I really do wonder in the super-sized world we live in if we think small enough often enough.
**
Want to take my idea a step further? Share this concept with others. Imagine what an incredible difference it would make in the world if one day each and every person took a dollar and gave it to someone in need. The thought, quite frankly, blows my mind. In the best possible way of course. I wonder if there would be some way to start that movement. Anyone got any ideas?
Even if not, the $1 you contribute still does matter.
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Hard to Know What to Root For
For a long time we knew that changes in medical insurance were coming. One thing we were told was that we could keep what we had. Another made it sound like rates would be going up. That piece, along with the fact that I am already paying almost $700 per month for my insurance, does more than a bit unnerve me. Another significant point of concern has also been where I will be treated. It is important to me that I am able to continue to be treated by the same facility. I would not want to risk losing that.
One thing that was good about it was that people like me would be protected. I would never run the risk of losing my insurance, and I would always be able to have insurance of some kind. The few times I went online to look up information on how it would work, I found nothing that was helpful, even in the slightest way. Add to the fact that many spell the plan as D-O-O-M for our economy, I have had very mixed emotions about it.
The subject is a powder keg.
Well yesterday news started to come out about it. That, coupled with the hint of changes I got from my insurance company, still leaves me with questions. The good news looks like I will be paying significantly (dare I hope?) less for my insurance as my insurance has been through one of the most states with the highest premiums. A look at the map I saw showed a handful of states that indicated premiums would likely be going down.
The bigger concern for me is how I am going to be able to insure treatment with my doctors, and also how the plan will be configured. I have zero income at the moment, so I cannot afford to have to pay for medical expenses. I also don't know if I will be able to continue to have insurance out of NY, or if it will need to change to MD, and if it changes to MD, what if I wind up back in NY? There are still a number of questions that have yet to be answered.
I still don't know what to root for, but I will just have to hope for the best.
Fingers, toes and eyes crossed.
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One thing that was good about it was that people like me would be protected. I would never run the risk of losing my insurance, and I would always be able to have insurance of some kind. The few times I went online to look up information on how it would work, I found nothing that was helpful, even in the slightest way. Add to the fact that many spell the plan as D-O-O-M for our economy, I have had very mixed emotions about it.
The subject is a powder keg.
Well yesterday news started to come out about it. That, coupled with the hint of changes I got from my insurance company, still leaves me with questions. The good news looks like I will be paying significantly (dare I hope?) less for my insurance as my insurance has been through one of the most states with the highest premiums. A look at the map I saw showed a handful of states that indicated premiums would likely be going down.
The bigger concern for me is how I am going to be able to insure treatment with my doctors, and also how the plan will be configured. I have zero income at the moment, so I cannot afford to have to pay for medical expenses. I also don't know if I will be able to continue to have insurance out of NY, or if it will need to change to MD, and if it changes to MD, what if I wind up back in NY? There are still a number of questions that have yet to be answered.
I still don't know what to root for, but I will just have to hope for the best.
Fingers, toes and eyes crossed.
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Tuesday, September 24, 2013
Simmering Potpourri | Recipe
'Tis the time of year for something yummy.
You can make with pineapple juice in addition to/instead of water
for something extra yummy.
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Progress
I had a thought today...
Maybe 'progress' isn't the sacred thing we make it out to be.
Maybe it is just our collective ego's way of showing off?
Maybe 'progress' isn't the sacred thing we make it out to be.
Maybe it is just our collective ego's way of showing off?
For Caregivers (Resource)
When someone I knew had to cope with being a caregiver to two people in his life, it was not easy. In fact, it was downright difficult. He didn't have help. The closest immediate family was states away and the next closest couldn't cope well with what was happening, so they stayed at a distance. Friends said if they could help, they should let them know, but when he said he needed help, they weren't available.
There are many times I am reminded of that as i cope with my situation. I never want to be a burden on my friend. If things were to head so south in regard to my general ability to take care of myself, I will have to leave. That is, of course, if I get to stay until that happens. Of course, I hope it never does become an issue. That would suck beyond all suckiness.
I share this along with the website Lotsahelpinghands.com. It is a site that is supposed to help those who are helping others. It is likely the site owners hope that those who help others can get some support before they are at their wits' end. In my friend's case, I don't know that it would have helped, but that doesn't mean it can't help others.
In my experience, too, I don't always know what someone can help me with. My taxes hang over me from the last two years, and nothing about it is organized enough that someone else could step in. I need to organize things and figure out the details to give to the person who does my taxes. No one can do it for me. I don't really know how anyone could help, but if it came down to it, and I needed it, perhaps someone could go grocery shopping for me. I would hate that in a way, too, as it is one of the few ways I get out these days. It was one of the few things I did when I was actively getting chemo. It took a lot of energy and effort and time, and false starts of getting out of the house, and often happened several days after my first intended attempt, but it was nice to get out of the house.
I suppose with my sharing of this I wonder if it will be of any help. I am a witness to how difficult it is for various reasons to get it or ask for it. But that doesn't mean that help isn't possible. I would like to think the site is helpful in some way to those who know how others can help them, and are willing to ask for help.
If you use the site, I would love to hear of the good that comes from it. Please share, if you are willing. Thanks.
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Hard to Keep Asking for Help
I posted this on GoFundMe and Facebook last night:
Much of 2013 I have spent in the brink. Having to deal with post-chemo issues and now the prospect of surgery and chemo again has left me depleted. I spent what allowance of energy I had today trying to fo something worthwhile. The net result was fruitless.
It is so hard to do anything that even slightly resembles work. My living environment is a mess. And while I have not put out any messages of panic, I am lower financially than I have ever been. I have tried to ask for help before I was in desperate need of assistance - before I got to the point I wasn't going to be able to pay what I needed to.
My life is in the basics mode right now, but even that has to include me trying to do alternative things to help myself, and they ain't cheap. Chemo needs to be a choice of last resort because there aren't many options for my type of cancer and history. If I get treated and it doesn't work, it could be the end of the road sooner than I would likely like. That is why I need to do what I can for myself, but the stress and strain is enormous. I have tried to offer what I can in exchange for help.
With what little energy I have I would like to pursue speaking engagements at universities. I am trying to help myself. I am doing the best I can, and I greatly fear at times it may not be enough.
So many tell me how great I am and what a message I have, and what a difference I make. While I appreciate that, I sadly need more. Without help I would not have gotten this far, and without help, I do not know how I am going to make it.
If you are a person who sees value in who I am and what I can and do provide I am asking you to please consider finding a way to help me to continue to float. I had wondered at one point what it would be like to ask each person I met for $1 to help someone in need. It is an exercise I seriously have thought about doing, but haven't, in part, because I do not know who I would do it for. It is not the same if I do it for myself. It doesn't help, either, that I do not get out much.
I think about these things because I realize that what I ask of you is no small thing. I have never known anyone to be in my predicament. I would like to think at this point that if someone I knew and meant something to me was in need, I'd personally see what I could do to stir up some funds - even if "just" a dollar from those I knew.
If only I knew what to do, or what to do differently. It is one thing when you know what to do, but haven't, but it is all together something different when you not only don't have a clue, but even if someone came along and said do this, this and this it is not like you think you could.
I am so sad as I write this. I sometimes wonder if I am giving up little by little. I certainly hope not, but the life of struggle and survival can be very wearing. Please help if you can. Even $1 helps. Paypal will accept $1 payments. Say you are sending it to a friend, and there is no fee. ThankYou at JoLoPe.com is the address you can send it to. Http://GoFundMe.com/rioj8 works, too. But the minimum is $5 and there is a greater fee taken out of it.
You have no idea how sorry I am to ask. Help. Please. And if there ever is anything I can do for you, please ask. There are so many possibilities. Thank you.
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Monday, September 23, 2013
Relate to cancer II (Video)
Here is segment to in my "Relate to cancer" series. As you may have seen from my previous blog, I am having issues getting the videos up. But I am trying. If anyone knows how I can get my iPhone to cooperate, I am all ears. It is a new account, and while the phone will upload from my first/original account, it won't upload to the new one. I need things to be easier, so any help would be appreciated.
Thanks.
9/24 *Redone.You can view it now.*
9/23 *Need to re-do this video* Will re-upload when I get a moment. All I have had today is frustration with technology. Some companies might be better off with the KISS method. So frustrated.
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Thanks.
9/24 *Redone.You can view it now.*
9/23 *Need to re-do this video* Will re-upload when I get a moment. All I have had today is frustration with technology. Some companies might be better off with the KISS method. So frustrated.
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It isn't the easiest thing...
If I didn't know better, I'd swear Mercury was Retrograde this morning. I have spent several hours since awakening trying to figure out things that shouldn't require figuring out. My email is not working properly, and the company I deal with is annoying me. I expressed an issue, and instead of the person offering to do something with it, what I said was addressed as if it was some other question.
I have been trying to get a new YouTube account going on my phone. For some odd reason, videos will upload from my current account, but will not upload from my new one. I really wonder who works for the companies who set this stuff up. They can't possibly think that it makes sense, or is that self explanatory, because it's not. Even the things that are supposed to explain things don't help. Then there are the forums that companies set up so that users can help each other. I was thinking today how "smart" that was on their part: let others who don't get paid do the work for you.
On top of everything else, I have so little patience for things these days. I am not sure I would have been much better before "everything," but I think there is a notable difference. I am sure I probably came off as a bitch earlier. I was fed up and frustrated. I expressed how the host company was screwing up a lot lately and making me rethink staying with them. The person who I was talking to didn't seem to care. Maybe she is told not to address it. I don't know.
I often think back to jobs I had. If someone spoke with me, and I was not the one who could help them, I would see what I could do to get them some sort of help. I'd either have them speak with someone else, or I'd try to find the info and get back to them myself. I took great pride in my approach. No one was ever left hanging, if I could in any way help it.
It seems that so few companies operate that way these days. You're even lucky if you can get someone on the phone to help. If they're going to be that way, the least they could do is make it so that you don't need some advanced understanding or training in understanding things to comprehend how to make things work.
It is my desire to get a new channel on YouTube going. I just have to figure out how the heck I am going to do it. As I write, I had to upload my phone videos to Dropbox, download them to my computer, and then upload to YouTube. I can't go through this every time. Grrr.
Yesterday I spent some time with my friend as he looked at houses. It was nice to get out for a change. The thing was I was so tired at the end of the day. I still am. Tired. Annoyed. Frustrated.
On top of everything else, I got a letter about impending insurance changes. Apparently I have to pick of new plans given the changes that are coming due to the insurance industry overhaul. I am scared. Very scared. I don't know what it all will mean price-wise. All they did was say something was coming, but gave zero detail of what it all means. So I will be having to deal with that soon, too.
As I write, I hear voices in my head. I can hear them tell me that I am adding too much together. That I need to take one thing at a time. That things aren't as bad as they seem.
I hate it.
Instead of being helpful, I want to tell them to shut up. Shut the...up. Funny how I edit myself sometimes. I am not sure why, other than I know it bothers some people when I am expressive in the ways that I sometimes am. Screw it. I am sorry to anyone who cares, but I want to say, "Shut the fuck up."
I know you knew that. I just had to say it, though. I could feel pressure building because I was holding back. Yes. I write this blog in some part because it helps others, but this is MY blog, and my thoughts and my experience, so why should I hold back just because some people take offense at how I express what I do?
There are times that what I feel is very strong, and as I set at the outset, I don't have much patience for anything that takes work these days, and especially when I feel like this and it takes more work for me to have to tip-toe around things than it does to flat out express them. As tired as I am, I can't afford it. I have to stop second-guessing myself.
Whether or not things aren't as bad as they seem, it doesn't matter. It is my current reality. I often using a drowning metaphor, and it occurs to me that it fits here, too. Imagine you have someone floating in the water. They're holding one thing. You give them another. And then you strap something on their back. They can't see what's in the back, but the weight still has an impact. Then you give them something else. And something else. They start to sink. They tell you they're struggling, but you look at them, and you tell them it can't be as bad as they say, it's only this, and only that, and only the other thing.
If things keep going the way they are, the person will drown. It doesn't matter what anyone says or thinks. They can say or think anything, and all it will do is accompany the drowning.
Yes, you could tell them to let go of one thing, or another. But who are you to say? Maybe the person doesn't feel it can be dropped. Maybe it is something the person feels needs to handled in some way. Maybe your at a distance observations can seem like "the" answer or "the" fix, but your answers come from a distance. There is a difference to the person who has to deal with the things in an up close and personal way.
This is not to say that those observations can't sometimes be helpful, but rather that there may be more times than not that they only become one more thing to weigh that person down. There is nothing worse than someone stating what seems to be an obvious solution or statement to someone struggling. More times than not the chances are good the person has not only thought about what you've said, but found it sadly lacking in its ability to help.
As with every other time I have been in this kind of mood, I will work my way through it. I will roll in it. I'll feel miserable for a time, and I will get to the "other side." At least, I certainly hope so. I have to admit there are times I do have my doubts. There are times things feel so dark, so depressing, so scary I do wonder if I make it to the light. One thing that I have in the back of my mind is the hope and desire to end life on a positive note. I don't want to fade away. I don't want to be suffering. I don't want things to be long and drawn out. I get scared that despite what I say I want, life may have other plans. So much of my life has gone differently than I would have liked. But it is still there. That hope. That desire.
I am not giving up, but it sure is really hard to keep going sometimes.
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I have been trying to get a new YouTube account going on my phone. For some odd reason, videos will upload from my current account, but will not upload from my new one. I really wonder who works for the companies who set this stuff up. They can't possibly think that it makes sense, or is that self explanatory, because it's not. Even the things that are supposed to explain things don't help. Then there are the forums that companies set up so that users can help each other. I was thinking today how "smart" that was on their part: let others who don't get paid do the work for you.
On top of everything else, I have so little patience for things these days. I am not sure I would have been much better before "everything," but I think there is a notable difference. I am sure I probably came off as a bitch earlier. I was fed up and frustrated. I expressed how the host company was screwing up a lot lately and making me rethink staying with them. The person who I was talking to didn't seem to care. Maybe she is told not to address it. I don't know.
I often think back to jobs I had. If someone spoke with me, and I was not the one who could help them, I would see what I could do to get them some sort of help. I'd either have them speak with someone else, or I'd try to find the info and get back to them myself. I took great pride in my approach. No one was ever left hanging, if I could in any way help it.
It seems that so few companies operate that way these days. You're even lucky if you can get someone on the phone to help. If they're going to be that way, the least they could do is make it so that you don't need some advanced understanding or training in understanding things to comprehend how to make things work.
It is my desire to get a new channel on YouTube going. I just have to figure out how the heck I am going to do it. As I write, I had to upload my phone videos to Dropbox, download them to my computer, and then upload to YouTube. I can't go through this every time. Grrr.
Yesterday I spent some time with my friend as he looked at houses. It was nice to get out for a change. The thing was I was so tired at the end of the day. I still am. Tired. Annoyed. Frustrated.
On top of everything else, I got a letter about impending insurance changes. Apparently I have to pick of new plans given the changes that are coming due to the insurance industry overhaul. I am scared. Very scared. I don't know what it all will mean price-wise. All they did was say something was coming, but gave zero detail of what it all means. So I will be having to deal with that soon, too.
As I write, I hear voices in my head. I can hear them tell me that I am adding too much together. That I need to take one thing at a time. That things aren't as bad as they seem.
I hate it.
Instead of being helpful, I want to tell them to shut up. Shut the...up. Funny how I edit myself sometimes. I am not sure why, other than I know it bothers some people when I am expressive in the ways that I sometimes am. Screw it. I am sorry to anyone who cares, but I want to say, "Shut the fuck up."
I know you knew that. I just had to say it, though. I could feel pressure building because I was holding back. Yes. I write this blog in some part because it helps others, but this is MY blog, and my thoughts and my experience, so why should I hold back just because some people take offense at how I express what I do?
There are times that what I feel is very strong, and as I set at the outset, I don't have much patience for anything that takes work these days, and especially when I feel like this and it takes more work for me to have to tip-toe around things than it does to flat out express them. As tired as I am, I can't afford it. I have to stop second-guessing myself.
Whether or not things aren't as bad as they seem, it doesn't matter. It is my current reality. I often using a drowning metaphor, and it occurs to me that it fits here, too. Imagine you have someone floating in the water. They're holding one thing. You give them another. And then you strap something on their back. They can't see what's in the back, but the weight still has an impact. Then you give them something else. And something else. They start to sink. They tell you they're struggling, but you look at them, and you tell them it can't be as bad as they say, it's only this, and only that, and only the other thing.
If things keep going the way they are, the person will drown. It doesn't matter what anyone says or thinks. They can say or think anything, and all it will do is accompany the drowning.
Yes, you could tell them to let go of one thing, or another. But who are you to say? Maybe the person doesn't feel it can be dropped. Maybe it is something the person feels needs to handled in some way. Maybe your at a distance observations can seem like "the" answer or "the" fix, but your answers come from a distance. There is a difference to the person who has to deal with the things in an up close and personal way.
This is not to say that those observations can't sometimes be helpful, but rather that there may be more times than not that they only become one more thing to weigh that person down. There is nothing worse than someone stating what seems to be an obvious solution or statement to someone struggling. More times than not the chances are good the person has not only thought about what you've said, but found it sadly lacking in its ability to help.
As with every other time I have been in this kind of mood, I will work my way through it. I will roll in it. I'll feel miserable for a time, and I will get to the "other side." At least, I certainly hope so. I have to admit there are times I do have my doubts. There are times things feel so dark, so depressing, so scary I do wonder if I make it to the light. One thing that I have in the back of my mind is the hope and desire to end life on a positive note. I don't want to fade away. I don't want to be suffering. I don't want things to be long and drawn out. I get scared that despite what I say I want, life may have other plans. So much of my life has gone differently than I would have liked. But it is still there. That hope. That desire.
I am not giving up, but it sure is really hard to keep going sometimes.
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Sunday, September 22, 2013
It Makes Me Wonder
I was amazed when I found out the nuclear energy is "green" energy. I understand why they say it. At the same time, if something goes wrong, there is nothing less green. Some say our energy needs are so great we have no choice. It makes me wonder what it would be like if we just collectively said (and did what we say), "we have just this much energy...let's make it work...let's raise thermostats in the summer, lower them in the winter...let's take shorter showers...let's
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Saturday, September 21, 2013
Day 14: #303030 Kristina Kleczko
30 Days. 30 Causes. 30 Dollars. Today I have chosen someone who has come to my attention through her Facebook postings.
Kristina is coping with Stage IV cancer, and is asking for help for non-conventional methods given that the conventional ones don't seem to offer any hope at this time. (You can also Paypal her at KristinaKleczko at yahoo.com). I hadn't intended to help her. I didn't even know she needed help. I had contacted her because I wanted her permission to share the comments she made in relation to this video:
Her blog is heartofacat.blogspot.com.
So much of what she shared I believe will resonate for anyone who is dealing with cancer. I even said some similar things yesterday in a video. I am glad to see people sharing what they do. The more who do, the better.
We exchanged messages for a little while last night, and I found out more about her so I could share. I also found out she is doing a fundraiser in October and wants to help others who may have needs like we do (info to come). Western medicine only helps you with medicine, and yet other things can help. But they cost money. Money that most who are dealing with what we are dealing with don't have.
If you can help with even "just" $1, I am sure she will welcome it.
The rest of this entry is a repeat from a previous one. It is info I definitely think worthy of repetition. I will also likely be making a video of this content as yesterday I decided that I wanted to make videos talking about the stuff that people don't talk about. I have no idea if anyone will listen or pay attention, but I have to try. There are too many people who need help, and there are too few in a position to help that are listening and/or paying attention.
Thanks for coming by.
**
If you don't know me, you may not know that I am really in no position to be spending my money on others. I am running out myself after having dealt with cancer since last May. I began this #303030 as a way of living into the idea that each and every $1 matters. I have often said it, but up until this past year, I was not likely to be one to help another, even with a $1. It wasn't that I didn't want to, but often I would be concerned how I would look (cheap?), or think that somehow the recipient might think that it didn't mean anything, or I would intend to do it later, which never came.
I decided to change that. I had to change it. So often I will see those in great need echo my words. They, too, know the value of the little things adding up. It is those who have never had that great need who would likely question the value of what would seem a minor contribution.
It really does mean something to someone who really is struggling. I guarantee it. Not sure if they are legit, or not? It is a valid question. At the same time, if it is "only" $1 to you, then does it really matter if they're not?
I keep telling people to feel free to reference me if they are looking to raise funds. I really don't mind. Part of my reason for doing this is to show people that if I can do it, they can, too. Even if it was one person, $1, over 12 months, it is making a difference in 12 people's lives in ways you could only possibly imagine.
I really do wonder in the super-sized world we live in if we think small enough often enough.
**
Want to take my idea a step further? Share this concept with others. Imagine what an incredible difference it would make in the world if one day each and every person took a dollar and gave it to someone in need. The thought, quite frankly, blows my mind. In the best possible way of course. I wonder if there would be some way to start that movement. Anyone got any ideas?
Even if not, the $1 you contribute still does matter.
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Separated from our Humanity (Video)
I saw this Louis CK video first
and then I saw this one:
Both were profound. One thing that they shared was a perspective about how when we truly interact and connect we are more empathic. They express how "easy" it seems to be to say something about another in their absence.
There are many other things that were said that are worth the time spent to watch. In a world in which technology has the ability to bring us closer than we have ever been, it seems it also has the ability to separate us from our humanity. We interact with a "thing" instead of a person. And since things have no feelings, we receive no feedback that may have us question how we do and say what we do and say.
I was thinking about this in relation to what is going on in our society in regard to many things, and in particular in regard to cancer. As long as people keep their distance from what someone is dealing with, they don't have to deal with it. If they get more familiar with it, if it becomes more personal, it has the potential and ability to alter how they interact with it, and those who are dealing with it.
It makes me want to be even more proactive in the world in regard to getting the message out. Many times I do feel like I am standing alone, and very few are listening or paying attention. I don't blame anyone, really. I was once them. But I suspect that if we could relate more to each other than to the idea of another, perhaps we would interact differently than we do now.
It is what I will work toward as long as I have the ability to do it. Hopefully I will be around for a while and able to make a difference in the process.
Days like this make me feel like there is a reason I am still here. Now if I could just figure out how to make some money, it would help. A lot. I can't continue to extend my limited energies and not be able to pay bills. It just can't work.
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and then I saw this one:
Both were profound. One thing that they shared was a perspective about how when we truly interact and connect we are more empathic. They express how "easy" it seems to be to say something about another in their absence.
There are many other things that were said that are worth the time spent to watch. In a world in which technology has the ability to bring us closer than we have ever been, it seems it also has the ability to separate us from our humanity. We interact with a "thing" instead of a person. And since things have no feelings, we receive no feedback that may have us question how we do and say what we do and say.
I was thinking about this in relation to what is going on in our society in regard to many things, and in particular in regard to cancer. As long as people keep their distance from what someone is dealing with, they don't have to deal with it. If they get more familiar with it, if it becomes more personal, it has the potential and ability to alter how they interact with it, and those who are dealing with it.
It makes me want to be even more proactive in the world in regard to getting the message out. Many times I do feel like I am standing alone, and very few are listening or paying attention. I don't blame anyone, really. I was once them. But I suspect that if we could relate more to each other than to the idea of another, perhaps we would interact differently than we do now.
It is what I will work toward as long as I have the ability to do it. Hopefully I will be around for a while and able to make a difference in the process.
Days like this make me feel like there is a reason I am still here. Now if I could just figure out how to make some money, it would help. A lot. I can't continue to extend my limited energies and not be able to pay bills. It just can't work.
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Friday, September 20, 2013
Telling the Story (Video)
So many feel they can't talk about cancer for one reason or another. The result is that so few know what a person dealing with cancer is really dealing with. I had an idea today. We'll see how it goes. This video will explain more.
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Thursday, September 19, 2013
Vlog Updates (Videos)
Here are 3 videos from the last 4-6 weeks. They go in order from oldest to newest. I wish I could keep more current, but it has been difficult with everything that has been going on and how I have been feeling. At some point I may choose to be more public with these videos on YouTube. I am coming closer every day. I am just not there yet. Until then the only place you can see the videos is where they are embedded, and this is one of the few places that is the case.
I wouldn't be surprised if I have done over 100 videos at this point since my diagnosis. If you don't know me, that is saying a lot.
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I wouldn't be surprised if I have done over 100 videos at this point since my diagnosis. If you don't know me, that is saying a lot.
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Recipe: Make Your Own Chocolate Covered Bananas
There is a chocolate coating you can buy to cover bananas with. I don't know what is in it, but I suspect it isn't nearly as healthy as what you can make yourself.
I thought I would share a recipe for it as it really is pretty simple and quite yummy.
I use a brand of chocolate chip without soy lecithin in it. If you pay attention, you will notice many things have that ingredient in them these days. If you look online you will also find a number of opinions that express why it isn't the best ingredient. Whether or not it is, I won't dispute, but I figure the simpler the ingredients are, the better. I think if there is a wrong to get to when it comes to comes to some things, the simpler you go, the less likely you are to get there.
The original recipe called for butter. But coconut oil is a healthy addition to my diet, per my doctor, so I thought I would try it instead. Apparently it isn't in the best interest of some with certain blood types, so I guess you need to decide for yourself what works. However if coconut oil works for you, I highly recommend you go for it.
I always keep frozen bananas. They make good "ice cream" when I want some. So when the mood strikes me for the chocolate covered ones, I am good to go. You will want bananas peeled and frozen at least a few hours before dipping them in the chocolate.
You will want to melt the chocolate in a double boiler. If you don't have one, just stick a smaller pot in a bigger one with water in the bottom. Mix in the butter or oil, and stir til melted.
The original recipe called for more chocolate per banana. I imagine it would work well for a large banana, or if you want a really thick coating. However, the amount below can work nicely if the banana is about 6" or smaller.
Next time I will try to take a picture. I wanted to share while I was thinking about it/able to. So often the "excuse" we have not to do things is "no time." I imagine it takes no longer to do the bananas this way than it does with the package, and better yet it will be better for you.
Enjoy.
For each banana you will need:
1/2T coconut oil (or butter)
1/4c melted chocolate chips (or similar)
You can add nuts or sprinkles or other things, and it is recommended that they go back into the freezer for an hour or so to firm up. I have not tried the toppings. The chocolate only version is ready to eat right away. The cold of the banana hardens the chocolate almost immediately.
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I thought I would share a recipe for it as it really is pretty simple and quite yummy.
I use a brand of chocolate chip without soy lecithin in it. If you pay attention, you will notice many things have that ingredient in them these days. If you look online you will also find a number of opinions that express why it isn't the best ingredient. Whether or not it is, I won't dispute, but I figure the simpler the ingredients are, the better. I think if there is a wrong to get to when it comes to comes to some things, the simpler you go, the less likely you are to get there.
The original recipe called for butter. But coconut oil is a healthy addition to my diet, per my doctor, so I thought I would try it instead. Apparently it isn't in the best interest of some with certain blood types, so I guess you need to decide for yourself what works. However if coconut oil works for you, I highly recommend you go for it.
I always keep frozen bananas. They make good "ice cream" when I want some. So when the mood strikes me for the chocolate covered ones, I am good to go. You will want bananas peeled and frozen at least a few hours before dipping them in the chocolate.
You will want to melt the chocolate in a double boiler. If you don't have one, just stick a smaller pot in a bigger one with water in the bottom. Mix in the butter or oil, and stir til melted.
The original recipe called for more chocolate per banana. I imagine it would work well for a large banana, or if you want a really thick coating. However, the amount below can work nicely if the banana is about 6" or smaller.
Next time I will try to take a picture. I wanted to share while I was thinking about it/able to. So often the "excuse" we have not to do things is "no time." I imagine it takes no longer to do the bananas this way than it does with the package, and better yet it will be better for you.
Enjoy.
For each banana you will need:
1/2T coconut oil (or butter)
1/4c melted chocolate chips (or similar)
You can add nuts or sprinkles or other things, and it is recommended that they go back into the freezer for an hour or so to firm up. I have not tried the toppings. The chocolate only version is ready to eat right away. The cold of the banana hardens the chocolate almost immediately.
Contact Me (Elizabeth Alraune)
Read My Story
View My Vlogs
About this Blog - Click Here
Read about where things are currently
Would you like to be a guest blogger?
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