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| taken on a much better day |
I tried to focus on good things. I figured if anyone picked up on my yucky energy it would be a way of fulfilling a day among others, but spent by myself.
I wanted to be optimistic, but the best I could hope for was to be present.
I met some wonderful women today, and enjoyed making the connections. Part of what really helps me is when I feel like I can say or do something that matters. For several months opportunities to feel that way have been quite limited especially since I don't get out much.
In some ways, that was why I felt like it was important for me to go to the conference. I felt like I had to go. Go, and be among some wonderful people. I had just hoped that I would find a way to get something from the day, and not come home feeling as depressed as I did when I left this morning.
Early in the morning, at the start of the event, Ginny Robertson (the creator of the conference) read:
"If you try to comprehend air
before breathing it,
you will die."
- Mark Nepo
It is the beginning of a poem, the rest of which you can read here. Given the way I have been feeling, it seemed rather apropos. So often I want to understand things, but the best I can do is just do what I can in the moment, despite my lack of understanding. I have no choice. But it doesn't mean I am content with that. It just means I logically understand that there is much I can't, or ever will, understand.
I think I am holding together by a thread. I was speaking with someone and I burst into tears. I explained how I felt lost and uncertain as to why I am still here. I explained how I felt. I explained that many people know what they can and should be doing, and aren't, and how when I was diagnosed with cancer I depleted that cache of things. I explained that while I may have known once what to do, I am at something at a loss now.
It occurs to me as I write this, that it isn't quite true. I still want to write a book. I still need to write a book. The 'problem" is my energy level. Small, short blog bursts are one thing, trying to put together a book is something significantly different. I only have so much energy for things, and even less for new things and things that fall in the more difficult range.
Putting that aside, though, I really don't know what to do. So much details are like working a business -which is hard enough when you are healthy. I used to easily put in 60+ hours of work a week before all of this. I can't do it now.
I told another person that I am not thrilled to explain things like I do, but that if I don't, people expect me to be just as anyone else is, and I am not. And the only way they're going to know is by me telling them.
I also said to a few others that there are times I don't know if I have "surrendered" to what is going on or if I have given up or how much of what I feel may be a combination of things. There really are times I just don't have it in me to care what happens. In some ways that is better than panic, but in other ways I fear I am just resigned and numb. I am struggling to care about taking the Mistletoe and supplements and caring about what I am eating. A part of me feels like, "what's the point?"
One thing I wasn't looking forward to today was the "what do you do?" conversation. Interestingly, I didn't even have one of them. In that regard the day was an incredible success.
I am really tired now. I think the day took a lot out of me. Even though it is somewhat "early," I think I am going to head off to bed. Maybe if I get some rest, I'll feel better. Things are always so much worse when lived through tiredness.
If any of the lovely ladies I met and spoke with today happen to read this, I want to thank you so much for your time. It was truly a pleasure speaking with you. I think I had exactly the kind of day I needed to have. Thanks for all the love and hugs. :)
The cherry of the event was meeting up with someone that I have only met with in person once. I hadn't expected to see her today, but she was going in as I was leaving. She is dealing with her own issues, but she has such incredible energy that I was glad that we had the chance to speak. I think we were both better off for it. At least I know *I* was, but I still got a way to go.
Well, I'm off. G'night.
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