Please Don't Make Decisions for Me

Last night I posted this on Facebook:

Feeling anxious about my health insurance situation. I know there is nothing I can do at the moment, but it does not help. Despite what Obama said, I cannot keep my plan. It is being discontinued/replaced. With what? No one can tell me. I want to continue to be treated in the same place, but there are things that need to be considered along the way. I don't want to make a wrong/bad choice. I hope there is a way to figure this out and that won't cause my greater anxiety and financial worry and instability. I suppose I could say that I am grateful that I am still here to have this problem. I could. A part of me really wonders lately if I have surrendered to what is, or if I have just given up. I am anxious, but not. A part of me almost just doesn't care. I feel like I am swimming upstream, and I kinda feel like what happens, happens at this point. I really don't know what I can do, short of driving myself crazy, and worrying about every single choice I make not really knowing if any of them will truly affect a damn thing. At one point I said something to the effect of what if the idea that we can control anything is an illusion? What if there are just times the things we want coincidentally occur when we want them to? Interestingly, I saw a quote from Byron Katie recently that pretty much said the same thing, but instead of it being a question, she stated it as absolute fact that we can't control a damn thing. Although to be more accurate, I think she left "damn" out of it. A part of what exhausts me is the amount of energy I spend trying to figure out who is "right," because if I choose wrong, it could cost me everything, It is hard to live wondering if the choices I make are to blame for where I am and where I am headed. Sometimes it makes things impossible. Tonight I gave up eating the most perfect and healthy diet. I hate looking at many foods and seeing them as the poisonous enemy. I know some would say they are. But are they, really? My diet is better than it has ever been, maybe I will have to leave it at that. When my life is through, I would hate to be sitting there thinking about all of the energy I expended worried about something that may not have really made that much of a difference one way or another - if at all. There is no way to know, really. Some people eat raw, and still get cancer and die. Some people have a great belief in God's healing words and power and still die from cancer. There is more going on here than we know. We can pretend to know. We can hope we know. But if we know anything I think it is that we can more often than not be wrong - especially when we try to overlay what we think we know over another. If there were absolute answers, I think life would look a lot differently than it does. And of course I can be wrong. But I would guess I could also have a chance to be right, too. And there goes the seesaw of my mind. By the way, I am just speaking out loud. No cheerleading or solutions required. Thanks for getting this far - lol - if you did. Have a good night.

Someone who I helped with something yesterday commented on it, feeling badly about "bothering" me with her issue. The fact of the matter was that I was happy to help, and would not have, if I wasn't up for it. Yes, it took energy, but it was nice to feel useful.

I often think people don't want to "bother" me so they take it upon themselves to make decisions about how they interact with me. I am glad, really glad, that the person had not seen the posting first, and then chosen to decline my offer to help. When I can help, I do. When I can't, I don't. 

It really is that simple.

I can't tell you how often people try to take care of me, and I don't want it. When I can do something I want to do it because it is often enough that it is a problem and I can't.

It is frustrating as heck.

If you know someone who is struggling, consider letting them make their own choices and decisions. If you offer help and they don't want it, don't push. I hate that! I know it comes from a good, kind place but it really isn't helpful - at least not in my case. If they offer you help, and you can use it - take it. It may mean more to them than you might realize.

I am trying to get things going in my life in some way, but it is painfully difficult and it is leaving me feeling useless as the things that I can be useful with lay at the side. I have had this thought a time or two, but more in passing than at the moment. You can be so helpful that you will help a person feel unneeded and unnecessary and I am sure that is hardly your intention.

I need to earn money. Even if Disability comes through, it is not enough to live on. I can earn up to $1000/mo on disability. I would love to earn enough to even to not have to go after it. It sometimes crosses my mind that people aren't helping me work because they don't want to bother me, and if that is the case, the good intentions are making things worse. Working may be difficult, but having no money to pay bills is even more so. I have to try.

Thanks for listening, and I hope the fact that I share these things are helpful in some way to you or someone you care about.

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