Saturday, September 14, 2013
If things continue, the trend seems to indicate that one or both will become necessary. And the oncologist is talking more like when, not if.
I don't know what it was, but when he told me I wasn't too upset, at first. I was rather calm, actually. The tears came later.
A part of me has felt like everything would be "OK" but, as I thought, there are different ways it can be OK, many of which would not be my preferred choice. So maybe things are OK, just a whole heck of a lot more freaking complicated than I want them to be.
In 6-8 weeks I will be having another scan, and I will be consulting with a surgeon, and then I will know more. The "good" news is that if I have to have surgery it will not be the same type as last year. I don't yet know what that means, though. Although it likely means a lot less than 17 days in the hospital.
I would much rather not have surgery or chemo in the first place.
A part of me wants to say, "damn body."
I was asking all kinds of questions yesterday, trying to find ways to fix things. It is ironic, perhaps, given how much I am not big on the idea of a "fix." But if there is any way that I can do something to avoid surgery and/or chemo, it would be a good thing. Well, great, really.
The thing is I am exhausted.
The thing is there are things that might be able to help that cost money.
The thing is that my resources in all kinds of ways are depleted.
The thing is that taking care of myself in the way I need to will require a lot of effort. A Nutritionist I spoke with warned me against going crazy about diet - given that there does not seem to be any "proof" that a restrictive diet is integral to being well. I know others who would most certainly disagree.
I have often had a question in my mind about it, given the strength of conviction of those who have taken that route, and the success they seemed to have. At the same time, there have been those who have eaten healthy, and had healthy lifestyles, that are not still here due to cancer's involvement in their life.
I can't help but wonder what I am doing wrong, or not doing right, or not doing at all that is leading me down this path. A part of me doesn't want to go there. I am not sure it is a productive destination. I am not even sure it is a place I should head at all, not just because of the potential negativity of it, but because it may not be an accurate conclusion to make.
So many people talk about cause and effect. If it is true that there is a cause for every effect, then, yes, something must be at cause of what is going on. Some would say that if I claim to be the cause, it is the only power I have in the matter. If someone else or something else is at cause, then I have no control, and we know how little human beings love to be out of control. As I think about it, the same people talk about going with the flow of life, and about how little we do control. So how do we know we truly control those things we think we control and that it is not an illusion?
Which leads me to...
How do we know that what we think we know is what we know? How do we know that the thing we think we control isn't just something that is happening at the same time we want it to? In some ways that makes a bit more sense to me, as how many times does something not happen the way I want it to?
There is the thought that our unconscious (which we are driven by 88-90% of the time, by the way) is what is creating the things that get in the way of some of the things we want. And then there are the intangibles of past life events, karma, lessons to be learned in this lifetime. It has always seem kind of cruel to me to have a desire and not know how to make it happen. But that isn't as bad as being told that we aren't given a desire without a way to make it happen. It is one thing to be unable to do something. It is another to be told that we are able to, but not have a clue how to make it happen, and it never does. We obviously did something wrong. And we know how good that makes us feel, right?
A part of me says to just keep living. It is all I can do. But what does that mean? It is really hard to keep living, when I really feel like I don't have a life to live. People ask me what I am doing over the weekend. The assumption is that I can do something. I don't have the money to do anything, and even if I did, as I am writing my eyes just want to close.
I'll be lucky to get to the grocery store today.
Which I am going to have to push to do because I decided yesterday that I am going to do everything I can to eat as well as possible in the next several weeks. I already am eating quite well, but not as well as I could be - by the standards of those who believe diet is everything when it comes to cancer. I am not sure it will be much different. But if the bit that I haven't been doing has the potential to make a difference, then I have to at least give it a try along with everything else.
Yesterday my sister said she was amazed at how well I seemed to be doing. I kind of shrugged it off. It kind of felt like someone told me how well I was drowning. I know it was meant as a good thing, a supportive thing, but it didn't feel that way to me.
I had posted on Facebook that I was going for a test, for anyone who wanted to send support, to please do so. Many people posted. Afterward, I posted that things weren't so great. You could almost hear crickets. I suspect many people just don't know what to say. It is so much easier to be a cheerleader in the abstract, I think. Although, if you know me, you know I am not a big fan of cheerleading.
The cheerleaders don't really help the team play the game. Odds are good if the team is good, they are more focused on their play than what is going on in the sidelines. What I need are special teams. I need the people who can come in and help me get the money I need to help me get by. And it isn't "just" about donations. It is about finding avenues to get income, whether it is sponsors, clients, advertisers, speaking engagements.
I need other help, too. Moving will be on the agenda again in a couple of months, and especially if I have to have surgery or chemo, I will need help in a big way, and may even have to sell my furniture, or find money to move, or money for storage.
If I am going to go with the advice of my alternative doctors, I need to go on some products, like now.
Mistletoe - $150/per month
Supplements - $300/per month
Monthly health insurance is nearly $700/per month
I am already doing some of what they want, but this is the time to do all of it. I am probably going to have to start charging another credit card, which I so do not want to do. I already have too much debt, and will have yet another monthly bill to pay.
That's not everything. But those are huge, important chunks, and for someone not making any money, that is a huge problem. I have considered trying a funding page just for medical expenses instead of one generically asking for money/help. I just don't know what to do to "market" my need. And how I so hate that it seems that "marketing" is just what I need to do.
I need help. If anyone can help, please do so. In some ways, I am in a battle for my life, and it is on so many fronts. I can't do it by myself. I figured out the other day that I might have been given about $10,000 since this all began. I can't even begin to say how grateful I am for the support I have received. It often is easier to focus on my more immediate need than it is to see how far I have come, but I do recognize with gratitude that transcends words the fact that I have gotten this far. It pains me to have to be at a point that I have to keep asking. It really does.
And yet, I the only choice I have is to give up. Believe me a part of me is so ready to. It is almost too ready; it scares me. The other day I was thinking about the act of drowning. I don't remember why. But I was thinking about it, and thinking about how for some there comes a point in the struggle when it probably is just easier to surrender, and give in to what might at that moment seem inevitable. When someone is under water without equipment, the time available to get above water is limited. The need to get above it, urgent.
There are times I feel more OK than others, and some of the best are when I have a total lack of regard for the urgency of my situation. The recent move took all of my energy, and I had none to give my situation. I had very little reserve to do much of anything other than what I was. It occupied my mind and body in my waking hours, and then I would go to sleep. Little else happened, or even could.
But I can't live like that every day. Well, maybe I could if I could just get some reprieve. If I could just get some financial support to allow me to focus on other things, like taking care of myself so that there will still be a me in the world.
I know it is all too easy to ignore and shrug off things like this. I bet it is painful to read, and you probably have your own issues. However, you, too, have the choice to ask for help, and if you ever do, I hope that you get what you need from those around you. It sucks to be in a position of great need with the majority around you in great silence.
If you would like to help me financially, see how here. On Paypal you can do a donation for as little as $1. Anyone in a position like mine will tell you it adds up in ways that you may never have had to consider, and hopefully never will. Thanks.
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