Friday, September 6, 2013

The Sun Sets

Well. The sun has set on living in the house.

Yesterday the last things were moved out. I was in one of the upstairs bedrooms and took this picture. There were always the most beautiful sunsets from there.

There was no time for a long good bye. But as I left I said good bye to the house. Even though I knew it was coming, it just sort of showed up in the haze that has been the last several days.

I am beyond tired, and I am overwhelmed and emotional. I was speaking with someone who wasn't someone I should talk to when I am tired. I could have sworn I told her something, and apparently I did not. There was a misunderstanding and it was the beginnings of a fight. I didn't have it in me to have the conversation, and said as much, which only seemed to make matters worse.

As you may know, I have been watching episodes of The West Wing. One of the characters has a father who is dealing with Alzheimers. In the episode you see the difficulty of everyone in having to deal with it. Yesterday someone was telling me about how someone they know is about to deal with their mother and her bout with cancer. He could commiserate, because he had been there with both of his parents. The person my friend was talking to was beside himself, feeling overwhelmed about what was coming.

I say these things because I don't know how we humans manage to interact with each other - especially in times of difficulty - especially when the two interacting are dealing with their own major problems.

My inclination is to pull in when I have stuff to deal with, and I am overwhelmed. I don't ever want to bother anyone. I also don't always know how best to concern myself with another when I can't even handle myself.

I can only handle one thing at a time, and when more than one thing comes my way, I am in trouble. I don't think it would be easy in the day-to-day type of life without the added pressures of dealing with a major illness and moving, but these things make it all that much worse.

The times that I can be clear headed and calm amaze me. There are times I don't know how I do it. I am more amazed by that fact because of the many times I am incapable of doing it.

Today I need to focus on one two three, no two, things. After that, I may just go to bed. A couple of days ago I was so exhausted I couldn't keep my eyes open and fell asleep in the early evening. I may do just that after I have done the two things that I need to.

I am running as fast as I can. I just hope I don't drop any important balls. Yes. I know I mixed metaphors, but I don't really care. There are more important things to concern myself with.

Like surviving.

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