If I didn't know better, I'd swear Mercury was Retrograde this morning. I have spent several hours since awakening trying to figure out things that shouldn't require figuring out. My email is not working properly, and the company I deal with is annoying me. I expressed an issue, and instead of the person offering to do something with it, what I said was addressed as if it was some other question.
I have been trying to get a new YouTube account going on my phone. For some odd reason, videos will upload from my current account, but will not upload from my new one. I really wonder who works for the companies who set this stuff up. They can't possibly think that it makes sense, or is that self explanatory, because it's not. Even the things that are supposed to explain things don't help. Then there are the forums that companies set up so that users can help each other. I was thinking today how "smart" that was on their part: let others who don't get paid do the work for you.
On top of everything else, I have so little patience for things these days. I am not sure I would have been much better before "everything," but I think there is a notable difference. I am sure I probably came off as a bitch earlier. I was fed up and frustrated. I expressed how the host company was screwing up a lot lately and making me rethink staying with them. The person who I was talking to didn't seem to care. Maybe she is told not to address it. I don't know.
I often think back to jobs I had. If someone spoke with me, and I was not the one who could help them, I would see what I could do to get them some sort of help. I'd either have them speak with someone else, or I'd try to find the info and get back to them myself. I took great pride in my approach. No one was ever left hanging, if I could in any way help it.
It seems that so few companies operate that way these days. You're even lucky if you can get someone on the phone to help. If they're going to be that way, the least they could do is make it so that you don't need some advanced understanding or training in understanding things to comprehend how to make things work.
It is my desire to get a new channel on YouTube going. I just have to figure out how the heck I am going to do it. As I write, I had to upload my phone videos to Dropbox, download them to my computer, and then upload to YouTube. I can't go through this every time. Grrr.
Yesterday I spent some time with my friend as he looked at houses. It was nice to get out for a change. The thing was I was so tired at the end of the day. I still am. Tired. Annoyed. Frustrated.
On top of everything else, I got a letter about impending insurance changes. Apparently I have to pick of new plans given the changes that are coming due to the insurance industry overhaul. I am scared. Very scared. I don't know what it all will mean price-wise. All they did was say something was coming, but gave zero detail of what it all means. So I will be having to deal with that soon, too.
As I write, I hear voices in my head. I can hear them tell me that I am adding too much together. That I need to take one thing at a time. That things aren't as bad as they seem.
I hate it.
Instead of being helpful, I want to tell them to shut up. Shut the...up. Funny how I edit myself sometimes. I am not sure why, other than I know it bothers some people when I am expressive in the ways that I sometimes am. Screw it. I am sorry to anyone who cares, but I want to say, "Shut the fuck up."
I know you knew that. I just had to say it, though. I could feel pressure building because I was holding back. Yes. I write this blog in some part because it helps others, but this is MY blog, and my thoughts and my experience, so why should I hold back just because some people take offense at how I express what I do?
There are times that what I feel is very strong, and as I set at the outset, I don't have much patience for anything that takes work these days, and especially when I feel like this and it takes more work for me to have to tip-toe around things than it does to flat out express them. As tired as I am, I can't afford it. I have to stop second-guessing myself.
Whether or not things aren't as bad as they seem, it doesn't matter. It is my current reality. I often using a drowning metaphor, and it occurs to me that it fits here, too. Imagine you have someone floating in the water. They're holding one thing. You give them another. And then you strap something on their back. They can't see what's in the back, but the weight still has an impact. Then you give them something else. And something else. They start to sink. They tell you they're struggling, but you look at them, and you tell them it can't be as bad as they say, it's only this, and only that, and only the other thing.
If things keep going the way they are, the person will drown. It doesn't matter what anyone says or thinks. They can say or think anything, and all it will do is accompany the drowning.
Yes, you could tell them to let go of one thing, or another. But who are you to say? Maybe the person doesn't feel it can be dropped. Maybe it is something the person feels needs to handled in some way. Maybe your at a distance observations can seem like "the" answer or "the" fix, but your answers come from a distance. There is a difference to the person who has to deal with the things in an up close and personal way.
This is not to say that those observations can't sometimes be helpful, but rather that there may be more times than not that they only become one more thing to weigh that person down. There is nothing worse than someone stating what seems to be an obvious solution or statement to someone struggling. More times than not the chances are good the person has not only thought about what you've said, but found it sadly lacking in its ability to help.
As with every other time I have been in this kind of mood, I will work my way through it. I will roll in it. I'll feel miserable for a time, and I will get to the "other side." At least, I certainly hope so. I have to admit there are times I do have my doubts. There are times things feel so dark, so depressing, so scary I do wonder if I make it to the light. One thing that I have in the back of my mind is the hope and desire to end life on a positive note. I don't want to fade away. I don't want to be suffering. I don't want things to be long and drawn out. I get scared that despite what I say I want, life may have other plans. So much of my life has gone differently than I would have liked. But it is still there. That hope. That desire.
I am not giving up, but it sure is really hard to keep going sometimes.
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