Monday, September 9, 2013

Seeking a Miracle Maker

Later today I will be having quite a show on WorldofPerspectiveRadio.com. Ginny Robertson will be my co-host, and there will be 8 others who will be speakers at the On Purpose Women's Conference at the end of this month. It should be a show likely to be remembered, hopefully for the "right" reasons. I am looking forward to it, but am a bit nervous about it, given the hiccups that have been had. And with the number of people who will be involved, the potential for a problem is exponentially greater.

Of course it may sound like I am focusing on the negative. And it could very well be that I am. But I am also just saying what I am feeling, and moving forward.

from Cedonaah.Blogspot.com
Even though it has been a couple of days since my friend's closing, my life is no where near balancing out. I have such a list of things to deal with, not the least of which is a Pet Scan later this week. Someone wants to be there for me, and has been upset with me for how I have acted in regard to their offer to be present. It isn't someone I talk to easily. So often we come to life with different perspectives that don't always work well together.

It is not that I don't want the support. It is just that I am so used to doing things alone. I am not sure that I see support the same way that person does. At the same time, it could very well be that if it was needed, that person would be there when I didn't even realize that I would have wanted it or needed it.

I don't really know how to talk to this person sometimes. And sometimes it is because I can not fully understand things myself to be able to explain them to another. Ideally the person would just allow me to tell them what I need, when I need it, how I need it. That is the IDEAL. I am not sure what the reality "should be," though.

There is a good chance that person will read this, and I hope not to create more issues. As a matter of fact, I hope to have a conversation soon about things. I just don't know what to do sometimes. It is overwhelming enough for me to have to deal with myself and things I have to deal with without having to be concerned about others. But the fact is that I am concerned about others, and how some may take some of the things I say and feel as they are important to me. I just don't know how to balance it all, especially when I feel like I am teetering on the edge of a cliff.

I have referenced The West Wing several times lately, given that I have been watching the show from the beginning. There is a scene in which the President talks about how The First Lady is on the phone, talking to those who are concerned about their daughter, who has been kidnapped. He says that his wife just winds up comforting those she talks to.

I suspect that happens a lot. The person who is dealing with something that others have difficulty dealing with, winds up taking care of those who really need the care themselves. I am not judging it, as maybe on some level it is a good thing. At the same time, I would have to also question it, as when does that person get to truly feel what they are feeling if they are feeling something else in order to comfort another?

As always, dang questions.

I didn't intend to write now. But something told me to. I sometimes wonder when I sit down to write if there will be an unexpected "gift" at the end. So often I write about things I had no idea I was going to write about. I feel like there is something that has yet to be said, but I don't know what it is. Maybe there is nothing. Maybe it is just my anxiety, and the list of things I need to do. Maybe it is my concern over money, and needing to find a way to survive financially. Provided I get Disability, it could be another 5 months before that happens.

In case you were wondering, I still very much need help. I may seem settled. But it is only temporary, and money has been lower than it ever has been, but I haven't had time to think about it. I can barely focus on more than one thing at a time, and most days recently all I want to do but sleep, but haven't been able to because there were things that absolutely needed my attention. I can't imagine that it is good that I am not able to do what my body seems to need.

When it comes down to it, when all of the muck is out of the way, it is clear to me that I am scared. I am very scared. How does one move forward when she can barely lift her head off the pillow? What I really need is a break. What I really need is to focus on me, and be able to forget everything else. But, short of a miracle - that just ain't gonna happen.

Anyone got any miracles for me?

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