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Saturday, January 4, 2014

Barely Awake

I wish I was still sleeping. As I tried to sleep last night I tossed and turned. My mind was going going going. 

I found out yesterday my friend and I may not have the help we thought we would today. I will know in a few hours. I got on Facebook and made a plea to a community for help. 

Mostly silence.

Oh well.

It will work out. I just wish I didn't have to push so hard. When I do I wind up unable to do anything for several days. And while I want to get unpacked, I am a bit more concerned about what I need to do regarding treatment and my health. 

At the same time, unpacking and organizing and sorting and getting rid of stuff is essential to my well-being. Maybe it is the fact that I have been living in chaos for months now, or maybe it is there is so little I control, I want to seem to control something. Maybe I just want to be "normal," and act like I am OK.

It is OK. At least that is what a part of me says while another considers getting out of bed. If it wasn't for having to move, today I would not be getting out from under these covers. I barely feel like I can get out of bed.

4 comments:

  1. You say that you seem to want to be in control of something- You are! Even though there's a certain hoplelessness coming through from your writing, there is a greater deal of control coming through! You control your thoughts and how you cope and get through the day! I wish you strength and motivation! The inner fight you had- get out of bed or not is in some ways a good sign- you are still fighting :) You wouldn't be having this inner fight if you have given up! Best wishes!

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    1. Thanks for your comment. For clarity, I didn't say nothing was in control...just that so much is outside of it...and was speculating as to why I might feel as I am. Thanks for the support.

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  2. I agree with liisur! Not to minimize the challenge, but if you can take a deep breath and let yourself be WITH yourself (rather than trying to PUSH yourself) I think you will see something open to you. You may not know ahead of time what that will be, but the next step on your path is there ... and maybe you just need to let it reveal itself to you. Sending you warm energy this day ...

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    1. Thanks Paula. For clarification, anything I am doing at this point is pushing myself. I have to. Things need to get done. I am "being" with it, and rolling with it. However "it" is still a challenge and concern, and is a push to accomplish. I share my experience in full, one to get it out, two to perhaps inform, and three perhaps to help another. Thanks also for your support.

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