It is like the "reality" of my situation is hitting me. I imagine that getting through something like what I am facing takes a bit of denial on occasion.
I can't help but think the Avastin is not helping. I want to get off this ride, but I do not know how. I seriously was contemplating stopping the Avastin. It may not be helping in what it is supposed to be doing, and hurting me in other ways, too.
Plus, I don't need the doctors to be continually looking for me to get worse. I hate the term "re-staging." It seems to imply things getting worse. If they thought they were getting better, would they care as much?
I debated slightly about making this post public, knowing that too many would likely want me to "stay positive." Some would even think I should go to therapy.
Even the treatment center tells me they have people who I can talk to, who can help me.
I do not see how. It doesn't change a thing. It doesn't take away my pain. It is not like I never talk about how I feel, and need to get it out. Even the one time I relented and went, the therapist agreed with me.
Whatever this is, it is. And I need to be in it. It just feels like such a big, dark cloud at the moment. Like other storms, this too shall pass.
But, as for right now, I am getting soaked.