Friday, February 21, 2014

I am Hurting

I am hurting, and I am thinking (hoping) it is a good thing. I am thinking it is a way of telling me that there is pain that hasn't been dealt with, or pain that needs to be dealt with. The easy way of dealing with it would be to not deal with it. I could walk away from the source of the pain. But the thing is, it won't help. It would, in some way, seem easier, but it wouldn't necessarily be better.

"A" and I have spoken a few times now. It has been challenging and confusing. I sometimes think I have a handle on things, but then there are other times, not so much. Waters that I am wading in are often murky. Most times intimate relationships end, they really end. I was telling him tonight that it would have been a lot easier if I just called him all kinds of names and never wanted anything to ever do with him again.

The thing is that I have done what I am attempting to do before. There have been others in my life that I have cared deeply for, but had to choose what was the most important thing. If it was important for me to have that person in my life in some way, then I had to find a way to work through the range of emotions that followed - especially in times that the choice not to go a certain direction wasn't mine.

So much of societal conditioning says that the end should be the end. It also says so many other things that are not in any way conducive for an on-going dynamic of any kind.

In addition, when we struggle we are often trained to go a direction that takes us away from the struggle - and not through it. Most people - if I was willing to talk to them about this - would likely encourage me not to talk to him. But I have been pulling in in regard to it, and have only discussed it with one person who has been supportive of me, and even supportive of the struggle. After all, there is something potentially wonderful to be gained in the process.

I learned a long time ago that you can love someone madly, deeply and completely but that it doesn't have to "look" a certain way. You can love someone that way and never even see or talk to them. You can love them that way and not be in a "relationship."

In learning that, I have had some incredible gifts in my life. I was telling "A" that things were pretty wonderful until they weren't - that they were booby trapped. I got lulled into something, only to get bitten by the trap. We also talked about how I felt he resented being there for me toward the end because he was doing something he really didn't want to do, and he took it out on me. I could feel it, although at the time I didn't know exactly what was going on, or why.

I feel like talking to him now is an incredible gift. It allows me to say how I feel and felt about things, and he has grown to the point that he can hear the things I say. At the point that he told me he stuck around because of my diagnosis I told him I hated him. That was all he heard even though I also said that the reason I hated him was because I loved him as much as I did. You can't hate something you don't care about. But he didn't hear any of that - until today.

The fact that we are talking is helping me to not only express myself, but he is helping me feel validated after doing so much to invalidate my feelings previously. He really started to make me start questioning myself more. There is nothing worse than feeling something but being told over and over that what you feel isn't accurate. Do you believe your feelings, or do you believe the person? In my case, I wanted more to believe the person.

I know "A" feels badly about things, and as much as much of the situation that has occurred sucks, I truly feel like if he learned something throughout this, it is a good thing. I feel the same way about the GI doctor who was so freaking arrogant with me. I never spoke with him again after he called me back with his personal cell phone number after telling me about my 10cm tumor.

If he gave me that number, you know he had to be feeling pretty damn lousy. I could even hear it in his voice on the first call. He knew he screwed up. But, more than that, I could tell he felt badly. I have hoped more than once that he learned something from what happened, too. In that way, he can take it on to his practice in regard to other patients. Odds are good he will probably not see another case of ovarian cancer - so many never even see one - but I can only hope that he learned something from the way that he was with me.

If I had just walked away like he told me to, there is a good chance I would probably not be here now, and I suspect he knows that.

We learn from the things in life we interact with. Some we choose, and others seem to be thrust upon us. As much as I don't like the way I feel with "A," I have been here before, and it gives me some level of confidence that I can find my way. How I ever did it the first time, I will never know, but what an incredible gift that has been many times over.

We all have our sucky moments in life. We may not be able to find our way through to the other side of all of them. Had I died late last year, "A" and I would never have had this opportunity. I am grateful that we were able to get here. I don't know where we go next, but I am grateful for having the ability to choose the path that allows me to remember the person I fell in love with, even if we're not going "there."

I appreciate what life has offered me in Love Lessons. They have been profoundly incredible, and incredibly painful. Provided I get to stick around for a while, I truly, deeply hope that I will find an experience of love that doesn't get punctuated by such incredible pain. Each time has been harder than the last, and cut so much more deeply.

A note to any Powers there might be: Can we please just consider this a lesson learned, and move on? I would be most grateful. As a secondary note, can we move on to the type of relationship I always knew I could have? The kind that so many think is illusive. You know the one. I would love nothing more than to be right about what I believe is possible. Well. Actually. More than that, I would just love the opportunity to love and be loved in a healthy and sane and beneficial and sweet and supportive way within the context of a relationship with a man. Some think I should be specific to get what I want. Well. I know you know what I want. We've talked about it enough over the years. And I thought you had given it to me. And I am thankful for what it was as long as it lasted. But...next time, please?

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