Storm Clearing

Well. The storm feels like it has passed. Feeling calmer tonight, even tired. Maybe I will be asleep before 3:00 tonight. That would be pretty nice.

I did some significant work with a shaman recently named Jean. She is a beautiful woman that I met while in New Mexico. 

I am thinking that stuff got stirred up. I have been all over the emotional map recently. My world really felt horrendous earlier. Very dark.

Now. Not long after, I am once again feeling on the stronger, clearer side. It really is amazing when I allow myself to process  the stuff that wants to be processed - instead of resisting or fighting it.

Funny thing? I sat down to write about something specific, but it has slipped my mind. Oh well.

Tonight I was watching another video with Anita Moorjani. I found myself wondering something I may have to ask. Since we are so sure in life of the things we believe, and there are so many variances of what is "right," is it possible that in death something similar happens? Could we have different types of events there, too?

Another thing I have been contemplating on and off is removing my port. It is for chemo or Avastin. For convenience, it can also be for blood collection. 

The thing is, though, I do not know how I feel about the Avastin any more. I know how I feel about the chemo. I am not sure the medical profession has much to offer me right now that is worth keeping the port.

It needs maintenance so that it remains useful, and it is a foreign object inside of me. I keep thinking I would like it out. If I decide to stop treatment I may wait a bit to do it, but I am really thinking its days could be numbered. 

I already know that no one will recommend it given the way things are. But I obviously don't care what they think, or I would be listening to them already.

Sometimes I really feel like I am OK. A part of me has to believe I am. Only time will tell what that "OK" means. I sure hope it means I get to stick around for a while. When I am not down or frustrated, I get really excited about the possibilities.

And, with that, I will wish you a good night. I will be posting a link to Anita's video on Facebook.com/Relatingtocancer. It is rather lengthy, a bit over an hour, but if you feel inclined to watch it, it will likely be well worth the investment.

Sweet dreams when you get there.